The Jason Neighborgall Fact of the Day

I’m starting this. I feel kinda bad because the whole Jason Neighborgall story is a bit sad but oh my god his B-R page is unbelievably awesome. Long story short, Jason Neighborgall was a pitcher in the Diamondbacks system with legendary stuff with possibly the worst command of all time. The numbers are staggering. Here’s today’s stat.

i don't fux with BB's

i don’t fux with BB’s

Padres pitching prospect Robbie Erlin is known for his elite pitchability and command. Over 326.2 minor league innings, Erlin has unintentionally walked a total of 50 batters. In Neighborgall’s brief 42.1 inning career, he unintentionally walked ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT BATTERS. Yes, 128.

Dealing With Your Natitude in the Offseason

Michael Morse Is Yelling At You To Deal With It

So you lived in a city without a competitive baseball team, when all of a sudden you’re swept off your feet by a rag-tag group of dreamers. A gloriously hot Washington summer followed, full of overpriced pizza, president races, and horrible walk-up music. Then came the playoffs and you thought you regained your faith in humanity when Teddy won. Then came what seemed to be the biggest moment in Washington baseball history. And in the 9th inning of game 5 it all seemed so perfect, how could all this go wrong? Well it did go wrong. And it was tragic, and depressing, and sad, and you felt it in your stomach for days. And now you have to deal with it.

Your natitude is probably un-ignited right now. It’s probably off in the corner of your bedroom gathering dust because you couldn’t bring yourself to look at a curly W for a while. Ignoring your natitude might be the best idea for right now, but if you plan on your natitude to keep you warm during the cold winter, you’re going to need to find other ways to get that shit ignited.

  • Find a fat guy named Teddy and challenge him to a race. 
  • When buying a 4 dollar beer, give the cashier 4 extra dollars to replicate a stadium environment.
  • Find Terrence at a Wizards game.
  • Get Tommy John surgery on your elbow just for funsies.
  • Shoot your gun out the window of your car 
  • Do your eyeliner like this.
  • Say RGIII all the time regardless of the context.

Peace. Love. Natitude. Baseball.

Walk-Up Music, Part 1: The NL West (because no one ever starts with the NL West)

Hungry Hungry Wily Mo.

Hungry Hungry Wily Mo.

While there are a seemingly unlimited number of ways to experience the game of baseball through social media from the comfort of your own home, there are a few things that you can only truly get by attending a game. One of these, is the walk-up music chosen by the players of the home team. I’ve recently been exposed to the fact that many of the walk-up songs for specific players are available online on each team’s respective site. This is fantastic news for those of us who aren’t so lucky as to visit every MLB park and hear each player’s music. Here at CFB I’m gonna take a look at some of the highlights of this rather awful collection of music that MLB players have decided represent them/pump them up/introduce them best.

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Arizona Diamondbacks:

eric hinske

Eric Hinske has maintained a 10.5% walk rate over his 10 year career, so maybe this is just some way to remind the few fans left in the stadium that care about him of that. Maybe he’s reminding himself.  “okay, Eric, take your pitches, take your pitches…” *looks at three straight strikes* “aw well okay maybe next time”

john mcdonald

I don’t know about you, but when I think John McDonald, I think Gangsta Nation.

josh collmenter

And here we have our first Call Me Maybe of the series. I’m curious to see how many more we come across. Josh Collmenter and his hilarious arm slot represent Carly Rae pretty well though. I like it.

Colorado Rockies:

rafael betancourt

Jim Tracy: I don’t know Rafael, you’re really asking for a lot. Giving you the closer role was a big step in our relationship, but everything…

Rafael Betancourt: EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

dj lemaheiu

For whatever reason it took me a while to realize what this was, but now it’s even funnier. I would love to have musical motivation from Lil Wayne if my name was DJ, so this one is absolutely approved.

josh roenicke

“I thought I told you Imma a star/ You see that ice? You see the cars…”

Los Angeles Dodgers:

nick punto

I don’t really know what to say. I just feel extremely uncomfortable.

aaron harang

Aaron Harang looks like Droopy the dog. And apparently he Can’t Stop.

zack greinke

Snow is really cold, but not nearly as cold as Zack Greinke’s soul was whenever this picture was taken. Goodness.

San Diego Padres:

mark kotsay

The  “we” is awfully misleading. Sure, Yasmani Grandal is young. Cameron Maybin is still very young. Maybe he’s referring to San Diego’s incredibly loaded and deep farm system. But Mark Kotsay was drafted a little over two years after top prospect Max Fried was born sooooooooooooooo yeah.

anthony bass

Besides being awfully amused by the name of the band, I wonder if this song plays at Petco every time Bass comes out for another inning, or what. The “More” is a bit unclear as well.

kyle blanks

One of my absolute favorites. “Stinkfist” alone should win Blanks some award but having a song called “The Second Coming” as well is just incredible. He’s Kyle Blanks (!!!). He’s got a career 31.6% strikeout rate and four wonderfully uncoordinated limbs. You go, Kyle Blanks.

San Francisco Giants:

buster posey

“Hell On Wheels” AKA Scott Cousins. Too soon ? Too soon. Whatever, Giants fans. TWO WORLD FUCKING SERIES IN THREE YEARS. Bye.

tim lincecum

Loving the mugshot-esque headshot to go along with the probably bad hip-hop song that I’ve never actually heard. “Loud” just isn’t the word I’d use to describe Lincecum anyway.

dan otero

I honestly have zero idea who Dan Otero is or why he is planning to stop science, but we should probably all be very afraid.

Jonathan Broxton Is Fat

Two men. One pant.

Here are some facts

  • This is a picture of Tim Collins and Everett Teaford fitting into one pair of Jonathan Broxotn’s pants.
  • Collins is 5″7, 170 pounds. Teaford is 5″11, 157 pounds. Broxton is 6″4, 300 pounds.
  • Jonathan Broxton was traded mid-season. I hope his pants were too.
  • Those are some huge pants.
  • I don’t know who Everett Teaford is.
  • Jonathan Broxton is fat.

Enjoy your monday.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22947691&topic_id=&c_id=mlb&tcid=vpp_copy_22947691&v=3

Potential Logjams: Mariners

Mariners DH/1B/C: John Jaso, Jesus Montero, Kendrys Morales,  Justin Smoak.

The current Mariners depth chart has Montero behind the dish with Morales at DH and Smoak at first. This leaves Jaso on the bench. This plan has a major issue: Jesus Montero’s defense. The problem with Jesus Montero’s defense is that it is awful, as bad as it gets. I was watching an Orioles-Mariners game with my mother. She turned to me and asked why the Seattle catcher looked so silly. It’s that bad. The late Gary Carter rolls over in his grave whenever Montero gets into his crouch. His name might be Jesus, but his defensive ability is sinful.

The Mariners cannot play Montero at catcher for 100 games and expect positive results. Montero’s position is hitter and the Mariners will probably come to grips with this at some point this year. They must platoon Montero with Jaso at least half the time as to not be completely killed by Montero’s defense. Putting Jaso at catcher moves Jesus to DH because Montero’s bat needs to be in the lineup. This is where the real problem comes to life. Morales or Smoak?

If the Mariners are ready to declare Smoak a bust, this makes everything easier. This doesn’t seem to be the case though, but trading for Morales was a warning to Smoak, that if he doesn’t start fulfilling the potential he had when the Mariners got him in the Cliff Lee deal, he won’t continue to play on a regular basis. Morales and Smoak should split at bats at the start of the season, but if Smoak doesn’t pick it up as the season wears on expect the M’s to play Morales more regularly.

This logjam doesn’t even take into account Jason Bay and Raul Ibanez, both signed this offseason, both old, both incapable of playing defense. The Mariners could be a suprise contender if they play their hand right, but if not they end up giving too much playing time to defensively inept guys like Montero, Bay, and Ibanez.

New Years Resolutions

So now that the excitement of balls dropping is over, its time to talk new years resolutions. I asked a player on each team around the league about their new years resolutions. The answers were startlingly beautiful and I thought I would share them with you. Keep in mind that all of these are about as real as Dee Gordon’s power potential.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Willie Bloomquist

  • Willie’s New Years Resolution is to find out what the hell a Didi Gregorius is.

Atlanta Braves: Andrelton Simmons

  • Andrelton just wants to find a jockstrap big enough to satisfy his needs.

Baltimore Orioles: Pedro Strop

  • Pedro has decided to wear his hat like a regular human being.

Boston Red Sox: Mo Vaughn

  • Mo’s gonna lose some weight this year.

Chicago Cubs: David DeJesus

  • As “The-Jesus”, David is looking forward to his holy New Years Resolutions, which include turning water to wine, saving lost souls, and helping the Astros win 60 games.

Chicago White Sox: Chris Sale

  • Chris Sale is going to continue trying to become eligible for Tommy John.

Cincinnati Reds: Todd Frazier

  • Todd just wants to let Scott Rolen know that he’s sorry.

Cleveland Indians: Jason Kipnis

  • Jason wants to be not living in Cleveland by year’s end.

Colorado Rockies: Michael Cuddyer

  • Michael’s resolution is to show that he’s a strong independant man that don’t need no UZR

Detroit Tigers: Miguel Cabrera

  • Miggy’s resolution is to stop WAR in its tracks.

Houston Astros: Carlos Pena

  • Carlos just wants to hit some homers and doesn’t give a crap about anything else.

Kansas City Royals: Alex Gordon

  • Alex said “I’m looking forward to welcoming new teammate Wil My–” *holds back tears* “– er sorry” He stammered “I meant James Shields… not… Will… Myers…” 

Los Angeles Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw

  • Clayton is planning to find out what Brandon League could have possibly done to deserve 21.5 Million.

Miami Marlins: Logan Morrison

  • LoMo’s resolution is to raise his OPS above his DTAPP (Daily Tweets At Probably Prostitutes)

Milwaukee Brewers: Ricky Weeks

  • Along with his brother in Oakland, Ricky is planning to “parent trap” Major League Baseball itself.

Minnesota Twins: Aaron Hicks

  • Aaron’s resolution is to be just like his mentors Ben Revere and Denard Span and get the hell out of Minnesota.

New York Mets: Johan Santana

  • Johan swears he won’t throw 134 pitches in a game again, even if he’s in the middle of a no hitter.

New York Yankees: Mark Teixeira

Oakland Athletics: Yoenis Cespedes

  • Yoenis told me he wanted to plan a family dinner online, but was having some trouble setting up a website. I felt bad letting him know that the domain cespedesfamilybarbecue.com was taken.

Philadelphia Phillies: Michael Young

  • Michael is looking forward to leaving Texas and bringing his 80 Class to Philly, where his talent-to-intangibles ratio fits in better with the team, as well as the city.

Pittsburgh Pirates: A.J. Burnett

  • A.J.’s claims he’s going to turn over a new leaf this season and only get 6 new tattoos.

St. Louis Cardinals: Oscar Tavares

  • OSCAR WANTS TO SWING BAT FAST.

San Diego Padres: Chase Headley

  • Chase Headley is set on proving that he doesn’t need a smaller Petco to terrify you with a wooden stick and his mind.

San Francisco Giants: Angel Pagan

  • The Giants’ center fielder will devote most of his time towards finding out whether he is angel, pagan, human, or dancer.

Seattle Mariners: John Jaso

  • After being traded for a rapist, John’s goal is to be traded to a more offensive friendly ballpark, for someone without a criminal record.

Tampa Bay Rays: David Price

  • Price wants to find his dog, Astro, a significant other. Price’s dog is excited to be the second best Astro in Major League Baseball.

Texas Rangers: Ron Washington

  • Ron’s resolution is a two-pronged plan. He is either going to personally bring Michael Young back to Arlington or he is going to trade himself to the Philies for the ghost of Juan Pierre and a cheesesteak.

The The Angels Angels of Anaheim: CJ Wilson

  • This year CJ promised himself he would just chill out and relax.

Toronto Blue Jays: Emilio Bonifacio

  • Emilio just wants you to remember that he exists.

Washington Nationals: Jayson Werth

  • Jayson swore that he would try his best to evacuate the letter “Y” from his first name.