The Giancarlo Stanton Injury: A Tragedy In 21 Screenshots

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The Calm Before the Storm (of Sadness)

Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history of baseball and he’s a marvel to watch do anything, whether it be playing baseball or simply existing on the same planet as us mortals. After a long home run drought to start the season, Stanton finally broke out over the weekend with three bombs, one of which traveled to another dimension.

On the night of April 29th, hearts were shattered across the baseball universe.

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Here’s the situation: The Marlins of Miami are facing the Mets of New York. After a fierce pitching duel between two upcoming stars, the two teams battle it out on their way to extra innings in front of approximately 127 fans at the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW MARLINS BALLPARK. Stanton is facing Mets cLOLser Bobby Parnell with one out and a runner on first. Parnell throws a slider in an 0-1 count, and Stanton chops it right in front of home plate. The Marlins “fans” behind home plate look absolutely exhilarated.

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Stanton takes off for first base. We’re used to seeing this monster hit the ball 440 feet, not 4.4 feet. His 6″6, 240 pound frame rumbles down the line. He actually looks like he might make it. A swinging bunt hit for Giancarlo? Sure, why not.

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Mets catcher/potential NL MVP John Buck throws down to first, and Stanton is out. It’s close, but the ball is clearly there in time.

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Oh no. The Beast clutches his right thigh. The Marlins first base coach remains intensely focused on first base for no reason. The umpire is admiring Ike Davis’ backside.

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The collapse begins. Stanton begins his horrifying descent towards the demoralizing grass of Marlins Park. The first base coach has still yet to notice, as he turns his attention to the umpire who is still perplexed by Ike Davis’ physical features.

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Man down. The giant lays motionless aside the foul line; his right leg upward as if to signal for help. There is no one in sight. The one Marlin fan that was watching gasps. An eerie echo is heard throughout the cavernous stadium.

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Millions of souls across the nation clutch their keyboards, eager to see a sign of life from our wounded hero.

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Alas, a moment of humanity. Giancarlo, head and helmet in hands, ponders what just happened.

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Slowly but surely, Stanton, still under his own power, manages to get up on his knees.

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He Is Risen.

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An unidentified Marlins coach (I think?) imitates the world.

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The broadcast decides that they haven’t tortured our souls enough. They cut to this slow-mo shot from the perspective of the right field foul pole.

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“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”

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“I HAVE TO PEE SO BADLY”

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“I JUST CAN’T” *falls*

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“haha I remember Slip ‘n Slides”

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“BUT MY HAMSTRING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

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“there is………….no………….hope.” *smashes distraught fist into ground*

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“why just why”

***

After the game, Giancarlo Stanton was placed on the 15-day disabled list with a strained hamstring. He should be fine.

(If you want to watch what actually happened, click here.)

(If you only have 10 seconds to watch what actually happened, click here.)

These Cleats Are Made For Walking: Update Número Dos

We’re about a month into the season now, and it’s Monday morning. So let’s check in again.

Through a total of 688 plate appearances and 193 games played, Welington Castillo, Rajai Davis, Jeff Keppinger, Endy Chavez, A.J. Pollock, Salvador Perez, Andres Torres, Juan Pierre, Rick Ankiel and Luis Cruz have combined for a mind-numbingly awful SEVEN WALKS. 

See ya in a week.

Who Is Bo Jackson?

Who Is This Man?

A man hunched over at the waist. Hands clasped on his knees as a single light shines through his chiseled frame. A battle-worn face presents itself. But who, oh who, is this man?

 I Am Bo Jackson

Okay so apparently that’s Bo Jackson. That’s progress. We know his name, but do we really know him? What kind of person is this? What makes him tick? Who is Bo Jackson?

What Sports Does Bo Jackson Play?

Bo Jackson seems to be an athlete so we should figure out what sports he plays. We can eliminate hockey, tennis, and chess (slightly racist). That leaves basketball, baseball, football, and cricket. Let’s go to the tape.

Well it seems to be a football that he rubs in his armpit so that’s sport number one. Is that a cricket whacker or a baseball slapper? Indiscernible. We’ll go with Cricket.

Will He Let Me Borrow A Hat?

My head is cold and I would like a hat, but I don’t have one. Hey Bo Jackson do you have a hat I could borrow?

That’s very kind of you, Bo Jackson. Thanks!

What IS Bo Jackson?

I’m pretty sure he’s saying “I am a husband and I am a farmer”. What is he farming? Oats? Cows? Organs? Is Bo Jackson an organ farmer? Is he an organ farmer or an Oregon farmer?

Has Bo Jackson Been Successful In Life?

Clearly a fine collection of Bo’s farming trophies. He also seems to store his farming trophies (what is a farming trophy?) in a nice conference room with at least three swivel chairs. That’s success if I ever saw it.

Did Bo Jackson Just Soil Himself?

Bo. Did you wee wee?

Bo wee weed. 

Bad Baseball Pun of the Day: R.A. Dickey Is Not Magical Anymore :(

This is a .gif of R.A. Dickey giving up a home run to Brennan Boesch. Brennan Boesch is terrible at major league baseball. R.A. Dickey is supposed to be not terrible at major league baseball. What happened ?

Now he’s just somebody traded for d’Arnaud.

(I’ll be here all week)

.gifs From Last Night: Silly Mike Baxter

Mets-Phillies

  • Good thing the Mets have two other all-star level outfielders to make up for plays like this…
  • To be fair, if there was a giant rawhide sphere barreling through the air in my direction, I would get the hell out of the way too.
  • That’s a lot of advertising concentrated in one specific corner of Citi Field. I count 5. Do you?
  • I like how Baxter turns and is briefly immersed in the possibilities of freecreditscore.com before he realizes the ball is about to drop.
  • It also looks like baseball Jesus just dropped the ball out of the sky because the trajectory of the ball looks like something from Angels in the Outfield.
  • Is that trash on the warning track? Get your shit together, Citi Field.

.gifs From Last Night: Unorthodox Deliveries

Angels-Mariners

Last night in Seattle, Carlos Peguero hit a ball 450 feet to dead center. Somehow, this wasn’t the most extraordinary thing that happened at Safeco that evening. In one fell swoop, Angels right-hander (left-hander?) Garrett Richards revolutionized the art of pitching.

In the potentially groundbreaking .gif above, we see Mariners designated “hitter” Justin Smoak making his way to the plate. Is he trying to gain momentum by running towards the plate a la Happy Gilmore or is something even deeper going on here?

For whatever reason, Richards begins slightly offset to the left of the mound. His delivery begins with the ball in his glove, as most deliveries do. However, Richards has the glove raised and pointing towards first base. He drops his glove cautiously as if he’s catching a very delicate egg, and proceeds to whip his arm around  and release the ball with stunning accuracy. This motion clearly does not allow Richards to take advantage of about 93% of his body, as his right side is just along for the ride and doesn’t play much part in delivering the ball to the catcher. There is an unusual amount of movement in the lower half that includes several steps backward to help Richards make sure he’s still on the rubber. Let’s slow it down.

This .gif allows us to see the incredible conclusion of this play. Smoak, in all his glory, turns on the circus pitch and rips it right back to the pitcher. Richards, who is already pointing at the plate as if he’s prepared for a comebacker, snags the ball with his bare hand. The sheer velocity of the ball propels him backwards, returning him back to a more familiar position at the top of the mound.

Mechanics Report Card

richards chart

We’re gonna keep an eye out for this mystery of a motion throughout the season, but we doubt we’ll see it again any time soon. For one wondrous moment, Garrett Richards changed baseball. We hope it’s not the last time.

A Brief Examination of Death By Yu Darvish

私はいじめっ子です

As if the Internet hasn’t freaked out about Yu Darvish enough over the last 24 hours, I’m back to take a look at two of Darvish’s victims from his days in Japan. Since half the world’s population has already seen this .gif (as they should), I’ve decided to take a different route.

When Darvish came over last year, we all scurried to our computers or mobile devices to watch some video of the half Japanese, half Iranian freak show of awesomeness. It did not disappoint. While scouring said video, I came across two strikeout victims of Darvish’s that stood out to me.  Let’s take a look.

VICTIM 1:

Darvish unleashes a true 80-grade slider to an innocent batter who simply collapses while attempting to make contact. This is a batter that probably has a wife and kids. Those beloved assumed family members had to watch him fall victim to this torturous sin of a pitch. His back leg straight up dies on him and then the rest of his embarrassed body goes down with it. I enjoy the catcher receiving the pitch and then turning away as if to avoid looking at the dumbfounded batter…or he got hit in the nuts. I can’t really tell. Anyway, I love this. But it’s not nearly as awesome as this next one.

VICTIM 2:

Darvish throws a 90 MPH fastball Up and In and the batter swings, quite literally, for his life. The fact that it wasn’t actually that close to his head makes this even better. Let’s just imagine the thoughts of each human being involved in this beautiful sequence.

  • Darvish: Okay, he wants up and in. I can do that.
  • Catcher: Up and in, Yu. Right here.
  • Batter: oh my god oh my god oh my god what am I gonna do
  • Umpire: how the hell am I supposed to call this guy
  • Darvish: *goes into windup*
  • Batter: okay man you got this just go into your leg kick and
  • Darvish: *releases ball*
  • Batter: DEAR GOD WHAT THE SHIT  *swings* *dies*
  • Catcher: *catches pitch* whoops
  • Umpire: uhhh is he breathing
  • Darvish: *sheepishly touches back of head* hehe I’m Yu Darvish
  • Batter: *is still dead*

***

Daily Darvish. Get some.

Hate-Watching the 2013 NFL Draft: A Timeline

“Come forth young players of the football, and prepare for thy first concussion.”

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I don’t watch football anymore. I tried to watch the NFL Draft. This is how it went.

7:47 PM: ESPN cuts away to what is most likely their final commercial before the draft begins. There is an intense montage showcasing three athletic looking humans that I have never seen in my life. One of them is named Geno.

7:52 PM: Mel Kiper is yelling at me about Geno’s mobility. They don’t seem to be listing his home to first time, so it’s hard to say how fast he actually is.

7:57 PM:  They’re discussing potential top pick Eric Fisher who is approximately 7″4 and 478 lbs. He apparently plays on the offensive line which I assume is a line of similar 20 grade bodies who only profile at first base.

8:02 PM: Chris Berman seems already be intoxicated and I’m reminded that I know nothing about football anymore. I am delightfully content with this. “It’s as if we’re kicking off the season tonight!”, Berman exclaims. No. Just no.

8:04 PM: Commissioner Roger Goodell gives heartwarming introduction. While attempting to remember the victims of the West, Texas and Boston bombing tragedies, he is booed mercilessly by the drunken ballfoot fans of New York. USA chants break out. What the hell is this?

8:11 PM: Kiper mentions trading down for someone named Ryan Madson. I was almost positive he was on the DL, but maybe he’s draft eligible…? Not sure this would be the best career move for him. While admittedly the role as Angels closer is an intimidating task, entering the League of National Football seems ill-conceived.

8:12 PM: Barkevious Mingo sounds like an awful, awful disease. And is unquestionably straight from Key & Peele.

8:17 PM: The aforementioned unfathomably large Fisher is taken number one overall by the Kansas City Chiefs. It’s nice to be reminded that the #BARVES and the Indians aren’t the only professional teams left offending Native Americans on a daily basis.

8:20 PM: I switch over to the Reds-Nationals game and am instantly more entertained by Bronson Arroyo’s facial hair than anything that has happened in the NFL Draft so far. Bryce Harper doubles down the left field line because duh.

8:31 PM: Berman is yelling random stuff at Kiper and Jon Gruden and they literally don’t know how to respond, resulting in an uncomfortable amount of silence.

8:33 PM: The Raiders trade their pick to the Dolphins for some reason that I don’t care about but man oh man I wish teams could trade draft picks in the MLB draft.

8:35 PM: Miami takes a guy named Dion Jordan who is on the phone in tears and an underwhelming bow-tie. Gruden looks mortified. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM ?!?!?!?!?! When asked about the trade, Jordan explains to Suzy Kolber “it surprised me, cause it’s my first time”. As opposed to…?

8:43 PM: I’m reminded that a lot of the music played over ESPN football highlights sounds like it’s straight from Mario Kart 64. The E-A-G-L-E-S take another large human named Lane Johnson. Lane’s VIP table in the back includes a young woman with braces (who I can only assume is related to Alcides Escobar) and a short old man with a 70 grade mustache and a cowboy hat.

8:47 PM: Chris Berman compares the draft to playing with Legos. Not sure where to go from here.

8:51 PM: With the fifth pick, The Lions take a guy who is apparently from Ghana named Ezekiel Ansah. He gives who I presume is his mother an extremely slow hug. He has cornrows and is wearing hipster glasses that I’m 83% sure do not have lenses. Wait no, 100% sure. Wow. Apparently he plays football.

8:55 PM: The Cleveland Oranges take Mingo. He looks like a fine upstanding citizen but more importantly HIS NAME IS LITERALLY BARKEVIOUS MINGO. HOW EVEN

9:10 PM: The St. Louis Rams take speedy WR Tavon Austin. Would Tavon be better than Trayvon in center field? These are the vital questions that ESPN fails to ask.

9:17 PM: The Jets are about to draft someone and everyone is going to boo. It’s the excessive pitching change of the NFL Draft.

9:18 PM: The Jets draft someone and everyone boos.

9:27 PM: The Titans, my favorite team as a child (RIP Steve McNair) draft an immense offensive lineman from Alabama who apparently could not find a jersey that fit him during his entire career there. Yay?

9:31 PM: I can’t take it anymore. I’m off to make more Darvish .gifs.

<3