Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse

ANALYSIS:

  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.

.gifs From Last Night: Walk Off Walk Off Flame

White Sox vs. Indians

In which Ramon Troncoso realizes he plays for the Chicago White Sox as the fans behind him cheer with glee. I’ll be honest, I had no idea who Ramon Troncoso was before I looked up number 40 on the White Sox, but he certainly sounds like a reliever and this just looks like a reliever who is quite relieved to not be relieving any longer. What a relief. (boooooooooooooooooooo)

Here we see 93 year old Jason Giambi throwing up his helmet and catching it. Clearly he decided that scoring was not the priority here and he just wanted to show everyone on his team that he still has really good hands. (Sidenote: he doesn’t). It’s unclear why the Indians were given the victory seeing as Giambi never scored but I suppose the umpires were so impressed with Jason’s coordination that they decided the deserved the W anyway.

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An Ode To Alfonso Soriano

People always talk about players that are better in person. You’ve heard these quotes from your friends before:

“Man, you gotta see Puig in person.”

“Felix live is sick!”

“Watching Pedro Florimon hit changed my life.”

I never had that kind of experience seeing a player live until I went to Wrigley Field. I wasn’t blown away by speed, power, athleticism, or even grit. No sir. You see, what really struck me was how much fun Alfonso Soriano had with the game of baseball. So on that note, I wrote a little poem about my new favorite player.

Alfonso, Alfonso.

You arrived in this world so damn clean.

Pants always tight and pristine.

You’re not Aaron Hicks, but 1976, was when you emerged from your mothers vahin.

San Pedro De Macoris is your home.

You are better than Pedro Florimon.

Then you grew from a boy to a man

And spent two derpy years in Japan

In 06 you came to DC

And proceded to give the entire league an STD.

You, Bonds, Canseco, Oh Lordy

A-Rod, and a Mercer named Jordy.

Achieved such a feat, you danced to the beat, all but one of them have hit 40-40.

The time in DC ended shitty.

But you came up to the Windy City.

You picked up your bat, and you put on your hat, and you’re way better than Alex Liddi.

You never played for the Detroit Tigers.

You never played with Alex Meyer

Your swings make me cry, your socks are so high and only your spirits are higher.

You smile, you laugh, and you play.

You always take my breath away.

May you never retire, may your socks go up higher, to Alfonso a hip hip hooray.

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Pitching Backwards: Let’s Get Analytic

Pitching genius and overall awesome dude Doug Thorburn is a writer for Baseball Prospectus. He knows things about pitching that astound the common mind. The dude is a boss and you should read all his stuff. And because we could never do what he does, we decided to analyze pitching in our own special CFB way. That’s how we started our new series: Pitching Backwards: Let’s Get Analytic. Hope you like it. 

Dan Jennings:

Jennings is a relatively underwhelming pitcher. He doesn’t throw particularly hard or have particularly great movement. He’s just a crafty lefty who can throw 90 mph. And like all crafty lefties, Jennings was looking for an edge.

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Happy Darvish Day ! (Start #19)

It’s been a while since I did one of these, so it felt right to bring it back tonight as Darvish is coming off the DL to face the Yankees at home. Despite missing a few starts due to injury, Darvish is tied for the major league lead in strikeouts with 157 in 119.1 innings. Tonight, he will face a desecrated Yankees lineup and should be able to strike out Luis Cruz more than once. In case you forgot how fantastic Yu is, here’s a refresher:

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The Chevy “Strong” Commercial (CFB Remix)

Everyone who watched the Home Run Derby experienced the longest commercial in the history of the world, courtesy of Chevy. It was painful and patriotic and had very little to do with Chevy, as usual. We decided to create our own version of this monstrosity. It might be even worse. It includes…

  • Bronson Arroyo
  • Old Ibanez
  • Dallas Latos
  • All the naked 1990’s shortstops
  • Jose Bautista
  • More Bronson 
  • Alfonso Soriano and his blue Hummer
  • Christ Davis working overtime
  • Bills are piling up (Billy Butler and Billy Hamilton)
  • Tough-E Gosewisch
  • Terry Francona
  • Buster and Timmy
  • Rock Shoulders
  • Raffy Palmeiro in court 
  • ALL THE SUNS
  • Brayan Pena goes down
  • Naked Giancarlo Stanton
  • More Bronson

Sorry/you’re welcome.

#CFB