Yes, I’m completely aware that this video has already been destroyed by the entire internet in more ways than one but I really don’t care because I love chow m-m-m-m-mein more than you do and I’m prepared to look at this atrocity one frame at a time.
Before reading, go listen to Lana Berry react to watching Chinese Food for the first time by clicking here.
(Also, Alison Gold was our unofficial musical guest for Barbecast 11.)
Next, go read this MTV interview with superstar artist Alison Gold on the making of the video by clicking here.
If you haven’t actually seen the video and or want to follow along, here’s the fancy embedded YouTube video:
HERE WE GO.
It begins with a nice Asian man who sorta looks like Jon Jay. He is talking to us in what is presumably Mandarin without any subtitles as he’s cooking noodles with two massive broom handles or something. Solid subtle Snapple product placement in the background even though I’m absolutely positive Snapple did not approve of it. I have to point out the sign that says “WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE.” I feel like they maybe should have refused all of the people involved in filming this video in this restaurant.
OH SHIT A RAINBOW IS COMING OUT OF MY MAGIC NOODLES AND NOW THE MUSIC IS LEADING INTO THE FIRST VERSE AND
“After balling, I go clubbing…” oh god oh god oh god where was she balling? Or clubbing, for that matter? She seems to be in a deserted park in the day time and I’m unsure how much balling or clubbing she’s been doing there unless this is the morning after she’s gone out and balled and clubbed…or whatever.
“Then I’m hugging,” wait what like what does this even mean? Who is she hugging and where and why and Jesus Christ Davis she’s 13 years old and okay what’s next…”Then I’m hungry.” Oh, okay. An actually reasonable feeling for a growing young teen to have. Then she tells us she’s getting getting getting getting GRUMPY. What’s she gonna do about it?
KICK A SODA CAN.
AND PUSH OVER THAT FUCKING TRASH CAN. YEAH. TEEN ANGST.