Yes, I’m completely aware that this video has already been destroyed by the entire internet in more ways than one but I really don’t care because I love chow m-m-m-m-mein more than you do and I’m prepared to look at this atrocity one frame at a time.
Next, go read this MTV interview with superstar artist Alison Gold on the making of the video by clicking here.
If you haven’t actually seen the video and or want to follow along, here’s the fancy embedded YouTube video:
HERE WE GO.
It begins with a nice Asian man who sorta looks like Jon Jay. He is talking to us in what is presumably Mandarin without any subtitles as he’s cooking noodles with two massive broom handles or something. Solid subtle Snapple product placement in the background even though I’m absolutely positive Snapple did not approve of it. I have to point out the sign that says “WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE.” I feel like they maybe should have refused all of the people involved in filming this video in this restaurant.
OH SHIT A RAINBOW IS COMING OUT OF MY MAGIC NOODLES AND NOW THE MUSIC IS LEADING INTO THE FIRST VERSE AND
“After balling, I go clubbing…” oh god oh god oh god where was she balling? Or clubbing, for that matter? She seems to be in a deserted park in the day time and I’m unsure how much balling or clubbing she’s been doing there unless this is the morning after she’s gone out and balled and clubbed…or whatever.
“Then I’m hugging,” wait what like what does this even mean? Who is she hugging and where and why and Jesus Christ Davis she’s 13 years old and okay what’s next…”Then I’m hungry.” Oh, okay. An actually reasonable feeling for a growing young teen to have. Then she tells us she’s getting getting getting getting GRUMPY. What’s she gonna do about it?
KICK A SODA CAN.
AND PUSH OVER THAT FUCKING TRASH CAN. YEAH. TEEN ANGST.
Oh wow, she’s suddenly in a much better state. She “sees chow on her right”. Okay, when is the last time anyone ever has referred to food as chow? I’m REALLY REALLY hoping she wasn’t talking about the breed of Chinese dog but oh wow not even gonna go there since then she tells us that she “smells food in the air”.
“IT’S CHINESE FOOD. MY FAVORITE.” No, but literally, the restaurant seems to be called “Chinese Food”. Just gonna ignore that the entire sign looks and most likely is entirely CGI.
OH YEAH DEFINITELY HER FAVORITE
SHE LOVES IT SO MUCH THAT SHE BETTER JAYWALK THERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
Here comes the chorus that’s in everyone’s head. “I LOVE CHINESE FOODDDDDD”, etc. The cashier is no older than eight years old and she is handing a bowl of mystery food to a girl who looks no older than 10 years old. Not even sure why they advertise what credit cards they take when the entire population of the restaurant seems to be small children. (ALSO IT TURNS OUT THE RESTAURANT THEY FILMED IN WAS ACTUALLY A MONGOLIAN RESTAURANT.)
HERE’S ALISONNNNNNNNNNNN. The hilariously young cashier looks awfully amused at her restaurant being taken over by a grumpy teenage white girl and her film crew.
I never did correlate chow mein with pretending to throw dolla dolla billz everywhere but Alison doesn’t care and breaks out this move with zero hesitation. CHOW M-M-M-M-MEIN.
Cut to the child cashier viciously typing away while trying to process Alison’s absurdly out of control order. Where are her parents?
The cashier is so done with Alison’s bullshit. Stop singing and tell me how many god damn orders of fried rice you want. The price on the register never changes from “65” the whole video. I don’t even know.
If you feelin’ like an over-privileged teenager singing about noodles, go and brush your shoulders off.
Well good, at least Alison has finally taken a seat. She seems to be sitting alone, surrounded by a bunch of other elementary school students at neighboring tables. She is eating on paper plates. She has six different dishes in front of her, including her “chicken wings, make it spicy” which are obviously at every Chinese food restaurant.
“Fortune cookies, tell my future.” Alison receives her dessert even though she’s barely eaten anything.
Ummmm okay. Probably for the best, since she’s sitting alone and I can’t imagine she has too many other friends with her balling and clubbing habits. I also doubt that many 8th graders want to hang around someone that destroys public property at such an unpredictable rate. #RIPChineseFoodTrashCan
NO PLEASE NO WHY IS THERE A PANDA SITTING THERE AND OH BY THE WAY THE SUBTITLES ARE IN HEBREW BECAUSE THE SUBTITLES ARE ARE A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE FOR EVERY LINE BECAUSE DNDJKADNJKASDU28DNISNFS9DASN
Okay so I guess this was a matching fortune with Alison’s fortune cookie which is already ridiculous but okay I guess it’s nice that Alison has a new fr
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT OKAY
*has run out of words to describe how uncomfortable this is*
Hey creepy panda friend, look in the sky! It’s a cloud!
A cloud that looks like a bowl of soup! Of course! What a fun time we are having looking at the bowl of soup in the sky!
I’m just overjoyed that Alison’s parents let creepy panda friend over for what seems like a sleepover with a bunch of middle school girls. 80 grade parenting. Oh god why do I hear a rap verse coming no please don’t tell me the panda is gonna
It’s fat Usher, the same brilliant rap phenom from Rebecca Black’s “Friday” video. Wonderful. Why is he wearing that hat? Why am I asking about his hat when there is so much else to worry about?
“Get me broccoli, while I play Monopoly.” Okay, he’s about to put a piece down but there’s no way he’s gonna put it
OKAY YEAH YUP HE DID THAT
“Don’t be a busy bee, cause it’s your fantasy…”
“…to eat Chinese food, Egg roll and Chop suey!” *makes it rain Monopoly money in a middle school girl’s bedroom while wearing a panda suit*
Oh cool, now he’s back chillin’ on his park bench in some random neighborhood. I feel bad for the innocent cars in the background that ended up in this video. I really hope they got consent from those motor vehicles before getting them involved.
Back to the chorus. Alison has returned to the Mongolian restaurant to sing about Chinese food with…more small children dressed up as JAPANESE geishas. GEISHAS. Simply amazing. Oh and creepy panda is still lurking in the background.
GOOD GOD I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS SLEEPOVER BUT NOW A PILLOW FIGHT…wait a minute…the girl on the left looks awfully familiar…maybe because IT’S THE CASHIER FROM THE RESTAURANT. Did Alison beg her to come back to her creepy panda party after her shift was over?
The morning after. It’s so fucking weird. HOW MANY TIMES CAN I ASK WHERE THIS GIRL’S PARENTS ARE
Creepy rapper panda tosses Alison a fortune cookie and then this happens:
The roof of what looks to be Alison’s multi-million dollar home is destroyed by the fucking panda jumping into space through the power of a rainbow. He couldn’t have possibly left through the front door like most creepy rapper pandas. After the roof is demolished and her panda buddy has vanished, Alison reads the fortune.
Great. Just fucking fantastic. So glad it nailed that one.