Kansas City Royals Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Royals BP Top 10 Prospects.

John Buck, Country Breakfast, and Jeff Francouer write-ups are courtesy of the nicest Mark in America, Mike Ferrin. Mike is on MLB Network Radio because he is a big shot. You can follow him on Twitter @MikeFerrinSXM. You can listen to him share his baseball wisdom with us on our 10th Barbecast by clicking here. 

System Quote: “In a small way, having Chevrolet as a sponsor makes me feel like we’ve won the World Series.”

Royals Top Ten:

  1. Gil Meche
  2. Mark Teahen
  3. Chevrolet 
  4. Mark Grudzielanek
  5. Coco Crisp
  6. Mike Sweeney
  7. John Buck
  8. Country Breakfast
  9. Bizarre Eric Hosmer
  10. Jeff Francoeur

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.05.10 PM1. Gil Meche

 Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Mark Teahen  

eBay Description: “#55 MECHE SHIRT IS FADED AND SCREEN PRINT IS CRACKED/DISTRESSED”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Meche is still busy walking away from $12 million dollars. It’s unclear how far away he’s managed to get from said $12 million dollars.

Strengths: When people repeatedly ask you why in the world you would wear a derpy Gil Meche jersey, just remind them that Mr. Meche was drafted 662 spots ahead of Roy Oswalt in the 1996 draft. Yeah. That happened. You’re also getting a combo package with the equally derpy Mark Teahen.

Weaknesses: You don’t want to be mistaken for Gil Meche, the guy who walked away from $12 million dollars. Also, much most Royals fans, this shirsey is DISTRESSED.

Overall Future Potential: 7; non all-star all-star level derp shirsey for all occasions

Realistic Role: 5; you walk away from it and never wear it again

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Meche isn’t coming back to baseball any time soon, so his beautifully mediocre MLB legacy should remain the same forever and ever

The Year Ahead: He’ll continue to walk away from the previously mentioned $12 million dollars. Maybe he’ll even start running away.

Wardrobe ETA: 1996

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.07.33 PM2. Mark Teahen

Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Gil Meche  

eBay Description: “#24 TEAHEN SHIRT HAS A SPOT ON FRONT SIDE STOMACH REGION”  

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Teahen started the year with the Rangers and played a couple months in Round Rock before his release. He then signed on with the Independent York Revolution and proceeded to revolutionize things.

Strengths: Just like the brother Gil Meche shirt, the lettering is not normal. It looks kinda skinny. I guess Teahen’s been working out. Despite problems that come with the white shirt, the material looks fantastic. Great price.

Weaknesses: There’s a stain on the front; common of white shirts which are prone to such staining. This shirsey will probably make you ground into a lot of double plays in daily situations. I don’t know what that means but Mark Teahen led the majors in GIDP in 2007 so that’s where that joke came from. Alright.

Overall Future Potential: 6; makeup shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than expected

Realistic Role: 5; solid major league shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than you want it to

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; the stain potential here is immense

The Year Ahead: Could be quickly transformed into a Teahen Tie-Dye shirsey and we all know how much we love/hate/love/hate/love those.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 12.15.09 AM3. Chevrolet 

 Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $4.99 + $2.99 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Please let me know if you have any questions”  

The Tools: 7+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 2 truck obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Chevrolet’s “STRONG” ad campaign drove baseball fans to the brink of spontaneous combustion. We retaliated with fire… and Rock Shoulders.

Strengths: “Who’s Chevrolet?” Your friends will ask “Did he play second base?” Because let’s face it, John Chevrolet sounds like a scrappy second baseman from somewhere in southern Indiana. Raised by Irish-American parents, he fought his way through elementary school, curb stomping bullies with his kid size 12 light up Mickey Mouse shoes. From there, he grew up to become the all time points leader for the Jebediah A. Whoppingham Junior High School basketball team as a 4’8 twelve year old. Chevy, as his friends called him, finally started focusing solely on baseball during his sophomore year for the Murray Stinkytits High School Fighting Root Canals. He went on to dominate D7 college baseball at the University of The Lord’s Redeemed Savior’s Holy Cross Christ Davis College in Jesus, Indiana. After being drafted 1st overall by the Royals he shot up their minor league system as well as heroine which unfortunately sidetracked his career and led to his untimely death in 1987. He is survived by his dog Abacus and his pet box of goldfish Mark.

Weaknesses: “Please let me know if you have any questions” Uh, excuse me, I HAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS.

Overall Future Potential: 6; it could be the kind of shirsey that helps you find your cow in the rain.

Realistic Role: 3; it will probably break down in Triple-A

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; a lot of miles on that bad boy.

The Year Ahead: If we fix the rear axel and tweak the steering dynamics, we might be able to salvage a career for Chevrolet. If not, we’re looking at a shirsey you wear at the gym and eventually use as nothing more than a rat tailing weapon.

Wardrobe ETA: 20STRONNNNNNG

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.16.12 PM4. Mark Grudzielanek

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $25.00 + $6.15 Shipping  

eBay Description: “NEW – NEVER WORN KANSAS CITY ROYALS SHIRT”  

The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Climbed Mount Kilimanjaro with his blind dog Steve.

Strengths: That’s a lot of letters. Fifteen is a fantastic number. The diamond strategy to deal with the long name is preferred to the infamous “Lombardozzi Curve.” I’m not sure why his nickname wasn’t “The Grudes”.

Weaknesses: Questions remain to whether or not this is actually a shirsey. A move to a jersey would make the derp and awesomeness almost non existent. Price could hamper production.

Overall Future Potential: High 5; you’ll wear it to the movies

Realistic Role: 4; car wash time

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate risk; only concern is spelling Grudaks… Grazdalun… fuck this.

The Year Ahead: 2014

Wardrobe ETA: Also 2014

Screen Shot 2013-11-21 at 2.47.49 AM5. Coco Crisp

 Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $10.99

eBay Description: “This is a gently worn 1x MLB KANSAS CITY ROYALS BASEBALL T-SHIRT, #2 CRISP, Sz. LRG.”

The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Coco Crisp continued to play baseball on teams that were not the Kansas City Royals

Strengths: Coco Crisp is awesome and the number 2 is always a good one to have on the back of your shirsey. “Crisp? What is Crisp?” people might ask. “Your face is crisp”, you’ll respond, forgetting that you’re wearing a Coco Crisp Royals shirsey.

Weaknesses: This is an imaginary shirsey. There is no possible way that Coco Crisp actually played for the Royals. Coco Crisp was never a Royyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll.

Overall Future Potential: High 6; has a lot of elite shirsey tools but it’s hard to comprehend them coming together to create a full successful shirsey product

Realistic Role: High 5; *gives high five*

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; Coco gonna Coco which means Coco Coco Coco injuries Coco Coco

The Year Ahead: Another year of based ballz for Mr. Crisp. Hopefully someone will ask him about that one year in Kansas City that I SWEAR DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

Wardrobe ETA: 2009

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.14.18 PM6. Mike Sweeney

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.00

 eBay Description: “You are bidding on a M.Sweeney tshirt”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Wikipedia tells me he joined MLB Network as a studio analyst over two years ago but I’ve never seen him on anything so it’s safe to say that Billy Ripken ate him or something.

Strengths: I’ve always been a huge fan of the black Royals design even if it makes no sense. He was one of the greatest Royals of all time.

Weaknesses: He was one of the greatest Royals of all time :/

Overall Future Potential: High 5; cool looking shirsey that you wear out to Chipotle

Realistic Role: 5; usable shirsey but doesn’t make it out of the house more than once a month

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Michael John Sweeney is about as low risk as it gets

The Year Ahead: He will continue to love Jesus Christ and brag about having one more career home run than Jeff Conine.

Wardrobe ETA: HAHAHAHAHA MIKE SWEENEY DEBUTED ONE DAY BEFORE JAKE WAS BORN (9/4/95)

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.03.11 PM7. John Buck

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $5.00 + $4.80 shipping

 eBay Description: “90% COTTON, 10% POLYESTER, MADE BY FRUIT OF THE LOOM.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: During a family crisis, Buck was called on to watch his 2 nieces and his nephew. Wackiness ensued.

Strengths: Drying clothes in a microwave, threatening handsy teenage boys, peeing in urinals at a middle school. .

Weaknesses: Horse racing, reliability, commitment; likely tax dodger.

Overall Future Potential: 6; Buck’s always been an underachiever, but has flashed potential and occasional reliability that’s kept Chanice around long enough.

Realistic Role: 4. One bad week at the track and he’s likely back to his “get rich quick” schemes, and mooching money of his dweeby brother-in-law

Risk Factor/Injury History: A gambler, without steady income, who has a history of drinking, carousing and no work ethic. What could go wrong?

The Year Ahead: In helping Tia handle Bug, not turning Miles & Maizy over to DCFS, and finally showing Chanice what kind of a man he’s capable of being, this is a big season for the big guy to prove he’s no longer an overgrown child, but an adult, who’s capable of making sound decisions. But he could use to borrow $50. You know he’s good for it.

Wardrobe ETA: 1990

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 11.39.55 AM8. Country Breakfast

 Size: S/L/XL/YM/YL

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $15.00 + $3.00  

eBay Description: “If you are wanting to get your Country Breakfast shirt in time to support Billy for All-Star festivities, I will do my best to meet you places in town and get your shirts to you with time running out for shipping.”  

The Tools: 7+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Was devoured while also playing one of those games with the plastic golf tees, where you have to jump over the other tees, until there’s only one left.  That game is a lot tougher than it seemed.

Strengths: Bacon, Sausage Gravy, Buttermilk Biscuits, Pancakes, Maple syrup, Eggs, Cheese, Ham, Potatoes.

Weaknesses:  Sweet & Low in your coffee, side of fruit and tomato, egg whites. Walking into the restroom with the newspaper at 9:45am.

Overall Future Potential: 7; breakfast is the most important and delicious meal of the day. With plus-plus meat, and 600g of carbs, it’s likely to stay with you all day long.

Realistic Role: 7; Incredibly polished, Country Breakfasts have a high floor, even when they include a fruit cup.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Severe. Cardiac Arrest & high cholesterol are likely.

The Year Ahead: Sure to be highly sought after on family vacations, business trips with an expense account, and by college students at 2:30am on a Wednesday after they’ve closed down the Avenue Tap

Wardrobe ETA: 2013. Chances are it’s already shown up on your clothes this year, and been worn throughout the day, because you don’t carry a Tide Stick.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 12.05.52 AM9. Bizarre Eric Hosmer

 Size: M/XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Retail: $39.99″

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Air Kozma continued to be the most beloved Cardinals shortstop since Ozzie Smith and carried the St. Kansas Louis City Cardinal Royals all the way to the World Series. He also won a Gold Glove.

Strengths: Jason Parks has a huge crush on Mr. Hosmer so transitive property blah blah Jason Parks might have a crush on you if you wear this (he won’t).

Weaknesses: Clearly fake numbers on the back lead to serious questions about this shirsey’s origin and conception.

Overall Future Potential: 7; “He’s a classic third-spot hitting first baseman with average and power.” – Kevin Goldstein, 11/19/10. Not sure if he was talking about shirseys.

Realistic Role: 5; not Pete Kozma

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; this shirsey is built to underwhelm through and through

The Year Ahead: Completely regardless of how well Eric Hosmer does on the field, this will still be a remarkably strange shirsey.

Wardrobe ETA: 2019

Screen Shot 2013-11-21 at 2.33.13 AM10. Jeff Francoeur

 Size: YS/YM/YL/YXL

Current Status: Available for traffic

Website: Grandslam New York

Price: $31.99

Online Description: High Quality Screen Printed Graphics

The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Starting RF on opening day in the 2nd year of his $13.5 Million extension, he was released an…wait….this T-Shirt is $31.99? What the hell? What is this a Mitchell & Ness vintage Francouer T-Shirt? Did Jeff once wear this to Sizzler so it’s authentic?

Strengths: Throwing arm, leadership, willingness to buy beer.

Weaknesses: Frenchness; plate discipline.

Overall Future Potential: Seriously. This is a $32 Jeff Francouer T-Shirt. That doesn’t bother you?

Realistic Role: Likely to be unsold. Even to Jeff’s family. I mean, can you imagine a Hosmer shirt going for $31.99? Or Holland? Is this in Euro? It’s THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS. My god.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Risk? RISK? I mean, he doesn’t even play for the Royals anymore. And he likely won’t get a major league deal from any team, and this T-Shirt costs $31.99. You really need me to assess the “Risk”? Man, you’re daft.

The Year Ahead: 2014. It comes next on the calendar.

Wardrobe ETA: The only way you’ll get this is if you ask rich uncle Marvin to send it to you for Hanukkah. But it might be more fun to watch him light the money on fire.

System Overview:

Much like the actual Royals system, this shirsey system has clearly graduated a lot of talent to some lucky owners. The system remains strong with the Meche/Teahen duo at the top and some limitless ceiling shirseys like #COUNTRYBREAKFAST in the lower minors. The mysterious one-year-in-KC Coco shirsey is a sneaky nice shirsey that could stick around for a long time. The one shirsey you have to look out for in this sytem is the Grudzielanek; it’s the kind of shirsey that is only going to add letters as it gains experience and we’re all curious to see how many letters a shirsey can actually fit at once. This is an above-average shirsey system. In a small way, GM Dayton Moore feels like he’s won the World Series.

(e-mail us any shirseys you own or have found online at cespedesfb@gmail.com)

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