Los Angeles Dodgers Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Dodgers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”

Dodgers Top Ten:

  1. Kershaw Women’s Irish
  2. Ethier Lakers
  3. Neon Yellow Kershaw
  4. Moker
  5. Juan Pierre
  6. Manny Ramirez
  7. Greg Maddux
  8. Andruw Jones
  9. Viva Puig
  10. Shawn Green

Screen Shot 2014-01-27 at 12.43.09 PM1. Kershaw Women’s Irish

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”

The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.

Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.

Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.

Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.

Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?

The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.

Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.

Screen Shot 2014-01-27 at 12.46.39 PM2. Ethier Lakers

Size: L

 Current Status: No longer listed

 Website: eBay

 Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!

Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.

Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.

Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.

Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.

The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?

Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.

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Episode 25 (Part 1): The Barry Bonds Big Head Bonanza Barbecast (featuring Carlos Rodon)

It happened. After weeks of anticipation and mental preparation, Barbecast 25 is here. This is the big one. AND THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST PART. We spent an hour talking to the best worst college baseball pitcher since Stephen Strasburg, Carlos Rodon. Carlos is a left-handed pitcher for NC State and you might have heard of him at some point. So that was a thing that happened. Next, Sam Miller of Baseball Prospectus joined us to talk about the new Baseball Prospectus 2014, as well as participate in our heated Baseball-Reference Battle. Oh, and before all that, we had about a dozen of our best e-mails yet. Little Poop included. Yeah, it’s close to three hours, but this is only part one. CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO.

E-mail us suggestions for Carlos Rodon’s walk-up music: cespedesfb@gmail.com

Buy the Baseball Prospectus Annual: http://www.amazon.com/Baseball-Prospectus-2014/dp/1118459237

iTunes link (rate and review us! seriously!): https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357

Link to all previous podcasts: http://cespedesfamilybarbecue.com/the-barbecast-cfb-podcast/

Tweeterz: https://twitter.com/CespedesBBQ

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CespedesFamilyBBQ

Click here for the RSS feed

Episode 25 (Part 2): The Barry Bonds Big Head Bonanza Barbecast

Hey! Welcome to Part 2! We talked to the ORIGINAL GUEST OF THE BARBECASTCraig Goldstein. It was a disaster. Then, we talked to the official minor leaguer of CFB, Kieran Lovegrove, about his off-season habits. And finally, Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry was spent reflecting on the ridiculous number of Barbecasts we’ve made her do. It got pretty emotional. IT’S BARBECAST 25; the most absurd podcast we’ve ever produced. Thanks for listening <3

iTunes link (rate and review us! seriously!): https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357

Link to all previous podcasts: http://cespedesfamilybarbecue.com/the-barbecast-cfb-podcast/

Tweeterz: https://twitter.com/CespedesBBQ

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CespedesFamilyBBQ

Click here for the RSS feed

Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Diamondbacks BP Top 10 Prospects.

Williams, Johnson, Reynolds, Gonzalez, and Counsell write-ups are courtesy of diarrhea. And by diarrhea I mean @diarrhea. We thank him. 

System Quote: “Sticking with a marriage. That’s true grit, man.”

Diamondbacks Top Ten:

  1. Matt Williams
  2. Randy Johnson
  3. Mark Reynolds
  4. Luis Gonzalez
  5. Craig Counsell
  6. David Dellucci
  7. Augie Ojeda
  8. Troy Glaus
  9. Ryan Roberts
  10. Richie Sexson

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.34.19 AM1. Matt Williams

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A PORTION OF EVERY SALE GOES TO SUPPORT JUNIOR GOLF PROGRAMS ACCROSS THE NATION.”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Matt insists he is the Diamondbacks’ Special Assistant General Partner but GM Michael Scott Towers insists he’s Special Assistant to the General Partner.

Strengths: Baldness (when you’re late to work and don’t have time to comb your hair).

Weaknesses: Baldness (when you’re late to work and you have to put sunblock on your pasty egg-like dome to keep it from frying).

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll always be able to get to 3rd base with a girl while wearing this, and being fairly balding.

Realistic Role: 3; you’re wearing a Matt Williams (who was/is bald) Diamondbacks shirsey. People will question your decision making process immediately.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Anything you do while wearing this might end up in the Mitchell Report or in a Bosley flyer as the before pic retroactively.

The Year Ahead: Gonna get balder.

Wardrobe ETA: Bald.

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.38.52 AM2. Randy Johnson

Size: YM

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $0.99 + $3.00

 eBay Description: “17 pit to pit”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Your back is gonna hurt constantly. Invest in Doan’s and Tiger Balm.

The Year Ahead: Don’t talk back to me.

Wardrobe ETA: Knock it off, alright?

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Episode 24: #80Flail and Doug the Thug

Episode 24 is here and is significantly less exciting than any episode of “24”. Our special guest this week is Doug “The Thug” Thorburn, pitching guru and Ubaldo Jimenez hater. Doug writes for Baseball Prospectus about pitching mechanics and he is the best of the best of the best at it. We talked to him for about an hour about his favorite and least favorite deliveries in baseball, as well as some ridiculous analysis on Jake’s pitching mechanics. Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry was actually pretty decent; we talked about Richard Sherman and why more athletes should take credit for their awesomeness. We had a particularly impressive crop of e-mails this week that covered Barry Bonds as a fetus, walk-up music, Eric Sogard, and Big Poop with another legendary piece of poetry. Our musical guest is DJ YRS JERZY for reasons that we cannot possibly explain. Next week is going to be CRAZY. Thanks for listening <3

Netball: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBuxsRnU50A

Original Jake pitching video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynXhwDF7GxU

iTunes link (rate and review us! seriously!): https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357

Link to all previous podcasts: http://cespedesfamilybarbecue.com/the-barbecast-cfb-podcast/

E-mail: cespedesfb@gmail.com

Tweeterz: https://twitter.com/CespedesBBQ

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CespedesFamilyBBQ

Click here for the RSS feed

San Francisco Giants Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Giants BP Top 10 Prospects.

Bonds, Lincecum, Posey, Roward, and Cepeda write-ups are courtesy of SB Nation MLB overlord, Grant Brisbee. You already follow him on Twitter. 

System Quote: “Also, this story is about Barry Bonds’s Baseball Reference page, and I’m calling it a ‘she’ because I want to have sex with it.”

Giants Top Ten:

  1. Barry Bonds
  2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson
  3. Patriot Lincecum
  4. Buster Posey Tweetup Shirt
  5. Omar Vizquel 
  6. Noah Lowry
  7. Aaron Rowand
  8. Camo Orlando Cepeda
  9. Chevrolet
  10. Aubrey Huff

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.46.51 PM1. Barry Bonds

 Size: L

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “As one of the longest-established baseball teams, they have won the most games of any team in the history of American baseball, and any North American professional sports team.”

 The Tools: 2 derp; 8 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He slipped again in the rankings of “Best Hitter Alive,” dropping to seventh place.

Strengths: His strength

Weaknesses: Being a human, dammit. Being a human being. Being insecure and unwilling to look the other way when the world was making out with Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. You aren’t so different, you smug bastard. YOU AREN’T SO DIFFERENT.

Overall Future Potential: 8; If you want a shirt that says, “I’m a Giants fan. Also, fuck you”, you aren’t doing better than this shirsey. Unless you actually print those exact words on a shirsey. Which would be rad.

Realistic Role: 8; Something to wear when you’re a groomsman or bridesmaid, even if you have to put it over the stupid clothes they’re expecting you to wear.

Risk Factor/Injury History: If you think “done getting swole” is an injury, then, yeah, you’ll get injured. You’ll done get swole if you wear this. So big.

The Year Ahead:  Still the best hitter ever.

Wardrobe ETA:  2089 (Cooperstown only)

 Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.50.24 PM2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $12.99 + $4.99

 eBay Description: About the seller:  “esdeadjim” is not a hulking faceless unsmiling weasel-like international corporate conglomerate; he is a carbon-based two-legged humanoid with an unceasing desire to fix & feed his kingdom of feral cats.  Pulled from the smoldering wreckage of a rocket ship from the planet Absurdia, “esdeadjim” sprung from his meager beginnings to procure treasures from near and far to offer them at reasonable prices to the good citizens of Planet eBay.

 The Tools:  7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Brian Wilson returned to the baseball world as a legitimate bullpen option. Brian Wilson also went to Australia where he was lucky enough to run into me.

Strengths: I didn’t actually know that Brian Wilson was of Irish decent, but I can’t say I’m surprised. If Brian Wilson were to wear this shirt at an Irish pub, I assume he could drink an irresponsible amount of beer. That’s just the magic of the Irish I guess.

Weaknesses: Comparisons to leprechauns. Cops mistaking you for the actual Brian Wilson. Better ways to express pride for Irish heritage include, but are not limited to, eating a potato, drinking Jameson, and not wearing this shirt.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if worn at an Irish pub in San Francisco that Brian Wilson stumbles into at 1 in the morning, expect a raucous rest of your evening.

Realistic Role: 5; you probably shouldn’t be wearing a shirsey to a bar in the first place now should you? Have some class why dontcha.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; when you put this shirt on you should expect your evening to end in a hospital visit.

The Year Ahead: Shirsey should maintain its value if Wilson doesn’t denounce his Irish heritage, which is a legitimate possibility.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever you feel like respecting your, or Brian Wilson’s ancestors.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.54.25 PM3. Patriot Lincecum

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.99 + $5.99

 eBay Description: “I usullay ship next day”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Patriot Lincecum threw a no-hitter. Patriot Lincecum walked everyone. Patriot Lincecum watched all of Miyazaki’s movies in one off day and ordered out.

Strengths: Murica

Weaknesses: That annoying “flag code” that states “The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery” and “The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform.” Bunch of nancies came up with that steaming pile of bureaucracy, I’m sure.

Overall Future Potential: High 5. Shirseys used to be the best! Now they’re fodder for stupid satire pieces on blogs. Like this.

Realistic Role: 5. It’s for when you want to let your blind date know that you’re a little counterculture, but a little patriotic, too.

Risk Factor/Injury History: 8. You don’t even have to ice the sleeves.

The Year Ahead: It’ll cost too much, but you don’t want to see some Goodwill-shopping freak wear it, so you’re keeping it.

Wardrobe ETA:  2008 or so.

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Picking A New Twitter AVI For Masahiro Tanaka

If you belong to the popular social media site Twitter dot com and you follow a plethora of baseball related accounts, you may have been somewhat confused earlier this morning. Prized free agent pitcher, Masahiro Tanaka tweeted something in Japanese that was reportedly (Google) translated as “I have decided” or “I decided” or “I can’t decide.”

But once a variety of native Japanese speakers were awoken from their respective slumbers it was revealed that Tanaka’s tweet had nothing to do with free agency, or even baseball for that matter. You see, Mr. Tanaka wanted to select a new twitter avatar and just could not decide which picture to choose. So while the rest of the baseball internet is laughing at their own stupidity, I’ve decided to tackle the real issue here: that Masahiro is still stuck with his current Twitter AVI. Rather than doing something trivial with my time, I’m going to give the Japanese hide-slinger some options for a new Twitter avatar that helps him appeal to his new American fan base.

AVI Option #1: PRINCE OF DERP

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 11.42.44 AM

Overview: While Tanaka will never be able to overthrow the King of Derp, his majesty Jeff Karstens, this picture has the potential to thrust Tanaka into the higher rungs of the derp royal family. It also looks like Tanaka is trying to give someone a kiss, which would help him appeal to fans who would love some smooching time with Mr. Tanaka.

Appeals To: Ian and Riley from Productive Outs, fans of funny faces, and those desiring Mr. Tanaka’s kisses.

Does Not Appeal To: Those wishing to engage in staring contests, and derp detractors.

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Michael Clair’s #Blogathon2014

In case you haven’t heard, our friend Michael Clair over at oldtimefamilybaseball.com has been doing a remarkably cool event known as the Blogathon for Doctors Without Borders. He’s done this for a few years and it’s a fantastic idea that he has executed remarkably well this year especially. Jake and I were both fortunate enough to be asked to contribute to the guest post portion of the blogathon, and we were happy to oblige.

Link to donate (and you should really donate!)

Jake wrote about the 2004 Baltimore Orioles’ role in The Wire:

http://oldtimefamilybaseball.com/post/73874479861/the-wire-baltimore-orioles

I wrote about Barry Bonds and my 25 favorite Bonds facts:

http://oldtimefamilybaseball.com/post/73935637744/25-greatest-barry-bonds-facts

San Diego Padres Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.

Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts. 

System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”

Padres Top Ten:

  1. Mat Latos
  2. Tenthman
  3. Carrasco?
  4. Ryan Klesko
  5. Bruce Bochy
  6. Tony Gwynn Jr.
  7. Dave Winfield
  8. Mike Piazza
  9. Mike Cameron
  10. Kevin Kouzmanoff

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.40.48 PM1. Mat Latos

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping

 eBay Description: Cool polyester material

 The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.

Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.

Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.

Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.

Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.

The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.44.40 PM2. Tenthman

 Size: Small

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.

Strengths: wow

much retro

so Tenthman

very Padres

Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.  

Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks

Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?

The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.

Wardrobe ETA: 1988

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Colorado Rockies Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.” 

Rockies Top Ten:

  1. Haltertop Jason Giambi
  2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki
  3. Autographed Manny Corpas
  4. Jackie Robinson
  5. Vinny Castilla 
  6. Rafael Betancourt
  7. Yorvit Torrealba
  8. Dante Bichette
  9. Mike Hampton
  10. Jason Jennings

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 5.42.14 PM1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

 Size: One Size Fits all  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”  

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

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