Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.
System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”
Dodgers Top Ten:
- Kershaw Women’s Irish
- Ethier Lakers
- Neon Yellow Kershaw
- Juan Pierre
- Manny Ramirez
- Greg Maddux
- Andruw Jones
- Viva Puig
- Shawn Green
Current Status: Available for purchase
eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.
Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.
Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.
Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.
Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?
The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.
Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.
Current Status: No longer listed
Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”
The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!
Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.
Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.
Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.
Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.
The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?
Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.