If you belong to the popular social media site Twitter dot com and you follow a plethora of baseball related accounts, you may have been somewhat confused earlier this morning. Prized free agent pitcher, Masahiro Tanaka tweeted something in Japanese that was reportedly (Google) translated as “I have decided” or “I decided” or “I can’t decide.”
But once a variety of native Japanese speakers were awoken from their respective slumbers it was revealed that Tanaka’s tweet had nothing to do with free agency, or even baseball for that matter. You see, Mr. Tanaka wanted to select a new twitter avatar and just could not decide which picture to choose. So while the rest of the baseball internet is laughing at their own stupidity, I’ve decided to tackle the real issue here: that Masahiro is still stuck with his current Twitter AVI. Rather than doing something trivial with my time, I’m going to give the Japanese hide-slinger some options for a new Twitter avatar that helps him appeal to his new American fan base.
AVI Option #1: PRINCE OF DERP
Overview: While Tanaka will never be able to overthrow the King of Derp, his majesty Jeff Karstens, this picture has the potential to thrust Tanaka into the higher rungs of the derp royal family. It also looks like Tanaka is trying to give someone a kiss, which would help him appeal to fans who would love some smooching time with Mr. Tanaka.
Appeals To: Ian and Riley from Productive Outs, fans of funny faces, and those desiring Mr. Tanaka’s kisses.
Does Not Appeal To: Those wishing to engage in staring contests, and derp detractors.
AVI Option #2: THE SPOKESMAN
Overview: This photo is from a TV ad Tanaka did for a Japanese drink called Mitsuya Cider. Created in 1884, Mitsuya Cider is older than Coca Cola, but isn’t actually a cider and is described as a cross between Ginger Ale and Sprite. The slogan in the photo translates to “More delicious, sugar free.”
Appeals To: People who find Sprite and Ginger Ale just a tad boring, fans of striped polo shirts, those watching their weight, and those who are thirsty.
Does Not Appeal To: Those who believe drinks labeled as “ciders” should taste like cider, women ages 11-14, and blind people.
AVI Option #3: THE BASEBALL BLOGGER
Overview: For whatever reason, about two years ago, Tanaka tweeted this picture. He seems to be enjoying what I assume must be a Japanese pastime; beer and lima beans in a martini glass. Both consumables appear to be resting on a table made of fine mahogany. He seems to have finished a good part of his drink which may explain why he was eating lima beans out of a martini glass. Baseball bloggers, forever obsessed with craft beer and weird foods, would absolutely love Tanaka if he were to make this his Twitter AVI.
Appeals To: Baseball bloggers, craft beer drinkers, lima bean enthusiasts, and lovers of fine mahogany.
Does Not Appeal To: Those who believe martini glasses should be used only for martinis, lovers of oak, lovers of walnut, lovers of other woods, and Keith Law, who would never eat lima beans with a spoon.
Thanks to native Japanese speaker, friend of the BBQ, and overall good dude Kaz Yamazaki for helping out with translating.