Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Diamondbacks BP Top 10 Prospects.

Williams, Johnson, Reynolds, Gonzalez, and Counsell write-ups are courtesy of diarrhea. And by diarrhea I mean @diarrhea. We thank him. 

System Quote: “Sticking with a marriage. That’s true grit, man.”

Diamondbacks Top Ten:

  1. Matt Williams
  2. Randy Johnson
  3. Mark Reynolds
  4. Luis Gonzalez
  5. Craig Counsell
  6. David Dellucci
  7. Augie Ojeda
  8. Troy Glaus
  9. Ryan Roberts
  10. Richie Sexson

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.34.19 AM1. Matt Williams

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A PORTION OF EVERY SALE GOES TO SUPPORT JUNIOR GOLF PROGRAMS ACCROSS THE NATION.”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Matt insists he is the Diamondbacks’ Special Assistant General Partner but GM Michael Scott Towers insists he’s Special Assistant to the General Partner.

Strengths: Baldness (when you’re late to work and don’t have time to comb your hair).

Weaknesses: Baldness (when you’re late to work and you have to put sunblock on your pasty egg-like dome to keep it from frying).

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll always be able to get to 3rd base with a girl while wearing this, and being fairly balding.

Realistic Role: 3; you’re wearing a Matt Williams (who was/is bald) Diamondbacks shirsey. People will question your decision making process immediately.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Anything you do while wearing this might end up in the Mitchell Report or in a Bosley flyer as the before pic retroactively.

The Year Ahead: Gonna get balder.

Wardrobe ETA: Bald.

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.38.52 AM2. Randy Johnson

Size: YM

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $0.99 + $3.00

 eBay Description: “17 pit to pit”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Your back is gonna hurt constantly. Invest in Doan’s and Tiger Balm.

The Year Ahead: Don’t talk back to me.

Wardrobe ETA: Knock it off, alright?

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.41.39 AM3. Mark Reynolds

 Size: YXL

 Current Status: Listing ended

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.99

 eBay Description: “All of our recycled fan products are free of rips”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got signed by the Brewers as a publicity stunt wherein every golden sombrero that he accrues, the team donates 1,000 Bernie Brewer sombreros to the homeless.

Strengths: Ability to generate electricity for your home just by swinging at stuff.

Weaknesses: You’re gonna strike out with the ladies even though you’re wearing the shirsey of a very handsome man.

Overall Future Potential: 7; your hair is gonna have plus-plus bounce and plus-plus volume to go with sheen that can also flash plus-plus.

Realistic Role: 3; what’s most likely gonna happen is you being subbed out for a defensive replacement everywhere you wear this shirsey. That’s embarrassing.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderately high (Pride)

The Year Ahead: Mark is going to generate lots of wind while being handsome and (hopefully) wearing some of Ryan Braun’s dragon and skull shirts.

Wardrobe ETA: Late-Rememberwhenwehadprincefielder?sigh

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.45.51 AM4. Luis Gonzalez

 Size: XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $10.49 + $3.77

 eBay Description: “Shirt has 2 black stains front, top right side of shirt”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Grey goatee, power alleys, and crows feet in tow, he seems to be trying to look like a dad in a Cialis commercial. Whether or not he is pursuing a second career in male enhancement commercials is yet to be determined.

Strengths: This shirsey is made to enhance any weird arm veins that you have. Also, the arm veins will grow goatees.

Weaknesses: You view weird arm veins with goatees as a weakness? You’re boring and I hate you.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you happen upon someone wearing a Mo Rivera shirsey, you can legally do anything you want to him. It’s the law.

Realistic Role: 5; the most likely scenario is that you leave the house wearing this and you end up in a tub that’s outside and adjacent to another tub and a tire swing. I hope you like cougars and Sammy Hagar.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the only thing you risk is being constantly confused for Juan Gonzalez.

The Year Ahead: You’re gonna create a Hispanic Cliff Lee lookalike club and it is going to rule.

Wardrobe ETA: 2001

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.43.05 AM5. Craig Counsell

Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “Logo: Chest back”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hopefully running for city counsell hahahahahahaha

Strengths: If you’re just an average run of the mill whitey, you can tell people that you’re Craig Counsell and they’ll probably believe you.

Weaknesses: Being seen as an ironic hipster piece of garbage because even Craig’s mom wears her Counsellabilia ironically.

Overall Future Potential: 8; if a cop catches you doing something very illegal and says “put your hands up” you can do the Craig Counsell batting stance and make him laugh and you’ll probably just go have a Bud Light Lime-a-rita together somewhere.

Realistic Role: 2; the above scenario will never happen. Put that shirsey back, you giant bag.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Back and buttock injuries due to sitting on benches all day.

The Year Ahead: Craig Counsell is going to become even whiter and nerdier. Congrats to him. He’s really worked hard at this.

Wardrobe ETA: Coachella

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.56.50 AM6. David Dellucci

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99

 eBay Description: “All sizes are listed on the tag”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Dellucci continued to Dellucci as he proceeded living his life as the husband of a Price Is Right model.

Strengths: You might lead the league in triples in your second year of Major League Baseball.

Weaknesses: No you won’t; you suck at baseball, let alone Major League Baseball.

Overall Future Potential: 5; if you go to Texas with this shirsey on, you might have some unexpected success

Realistic Role: 4; don’t expect that unexpected success to last for very longer than a year

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; more condiments have been spilled on this shirsey than your average shirt

The Year Ahead: Dellucci will come on down his marble staircase every morning and eat a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

Wardrobe ETA: 2005

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.59.08 AM7. Augie Ojeda

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “Other: Very nice shape.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 3 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Augie, Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie. Augie Augie Augie; Augie Augie Augie Augie!

Strengths: Augie? Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie. Augie.

Weaknesses: Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie (Augie Augie Augie), Augie Augie Augie.

Overall Future Potential: Augie; Augie Augie Augie.

Realistic Role: Augie; Augie Augie/Augie [Augie Augie, Augie Augie].

Risk Factor/Injury History: Augie; Augie Augie Augie Augie% Augie Augie Augie$ Augie Augie.

The Year Ahead: Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie for the Aggies.

Wardrobe ETA: Augie

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 12.00.44 PM8. Troy Glaus

Size: XL

 Current Status: Not listed anymore

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99

 eBay Description: “Color gray”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Troy Glaus did Troy Glaus things, like biking, fishing, and hanging out with his kids. I love Troy Glaus!

Strengths: Purple and teal pairs well together like few other things in this lovely world. You’ll surprise your friends, who like me, never even knew that Troy Glaus was on the D-Backs. Glaus is a fun word to say because it rhymes with many other words like house, mouse, moss, toss,  and even couch. I love Troy Glaus!

Weaknesses: 25 is Barry Bonds’ number, but the name isn’t Barry Bonds, it’s Troy Glaus. I love Troy Glaus!

Overall Future Potential: 6; Troy Glaus hit 47 homers in 2000, which is the most Hank Aaron ever had in a single year. Who doesn’t love Hank Aaron?!

Realistic Role: 6; high floor because I love Troy Glaus!

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; purple and teal could make a dead man sing.

The Year Ahead: Troy Glaus will continue contributing to various charities, while maintaining a lovely home life with his family.

Wardrobe ETA: When Troy Glaus gets in the HOF, so like, tomorrow.

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 12.04.09 PM9. Ryan Roberts

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “Other: nice shape”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Roberts played his first full year in Tampa Bay in which he didn’t play very many games. His Tattoos Above Replacement remained elite. He signed a minor league deal with the #Cubes last month.

Strengths: If you have an absurd amount of tattoos that you’re embarrassed by, just throw on this shirsey and tell everyone that the tattoos came with it and obviously aren’t permanent.

Weaknesses: That’s not how tattoos work! Silly internet consumer.

Overall Future Potential: 6; high energy shirsey off the bench

Realistic Role: 4; high energy shirsey off the bench that isn’t a very cool shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; people might judge your character and your baseball talent evaluation skills

The Year Ahead: Hopefully Roberts makes the #Cubes roster out of spring training to see him and Junior Lake compete for starting 2B/3B/LF.

Wardrobe ETA: 2011

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 12.03.10 PM10. Richie Sexson

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “Keep the planet green – recycle”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was even more majestic than he was in 2012. Richmond Lockwood Sexson. Also, let’s remind everyone how Richie even got to Arizona from Milwaukee. “Sexson was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks in December 2003 along with pitcher Shane Nance and a player to be named later (Noochie Varner) for infielders Junior Spivey, Craig Counsell, Lyle Overbay, catcher Chad Moeller, and pitchers Chris Capuano and Jorge de la Rosa.”

Strengths: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was the tallest batter in major league history. Richmond Lockwood Sexson.

Weaknesses: Richmond Lockwood Sexson was probably too tall to be playing baseball. Richmond Lockwood Sexson. Richmond Lockwood Sexson only played 23 games for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Overall Future Potential: 6″8; Richmond Lockwood Sexson.  

Realistic Role: 5; Richmond Lockwood Sexson

Risk Factor/Injury History: High (Tall); Richmond Lockwood Sexson.

The Year Ahead: Richmond Lockwood Sexson will return to his hometown of Portland and put birds on things. He might even pickle that.

Wardrobe ETA: 2004

System Overview:

Not to be outdone by the other impressive NL West shirsey systems, Arizona’s organization boasts an enviable collection of purple and teal masterpieces. This group of shirseys brings back vivid memories of the good ol’ days in Arizona when World Series games were being won and Tony Womack was scampering around second base. Matt Williams mega-derp sits atop this list for many reasons, the biggest of which is the screen printed buttons. SCREEN PRINTED BUTTONS. Jake made a good move getting this shirsey despite never having the balls to wear out outside of his dorm room. I don’t blame him, though. Any Randy Johnson shirsey on any team at any time in any place in any social situation with any pair of pants is a good choice, and that’s why it’s the number two prospect in this system.  Augie Augie Augie Augie Augie this the 7th best Augie Augie Augie. And most importantly: We love Troy Glaus!

One comment to Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

  1. Clifford Applegarth says:

    I am surprised this video didn’t make it into the Richie Sexson segment, although it may have been before your time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei-kUkoGkJ8
    It was easily the first boner inducing homer in Diamondbacks history. Plus that video is great if you love random shots of Alex Cintron, Steve Finley, Brandon Webb (RIP), and Carlos Baerga!

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