2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Houston Astros

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Off-season Haiku:

Scott Feldman, new ace.

Stole Fowler from the Rockies.

Japhet Amador.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • DH Japhet Amador
  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • SS Chan Moon
  • RHP Rayderson Chevalier
  • LHP Geronimo Franzua
  • RHP Yonquelys Martinez
  • LHP Christhoper Santamaria
  • LHP Starlyng Sanchez
  • 3B Arturo Michelena
  • SS Kristian Trompiz
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • 2B Parker Hipp
  • RHP Jandel Gustave
  • RHP Luis Ordosgoitti
  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • RHP Euris Quezada
  • OF Brauly Mejia
  • LHP Austin Nicely
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • 3B Adam Nelubowich

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • In a tragic twist of fate that shocks the entire baseball universe, Jose Altuve experiences a growth spurt at the age of 23 and grows a full foot over the course of the season.
  • Lance Berkman disguises himself as a Venezuelan minor leaguer named Ylance Beracmando and slugs .893 before his costume falls off in mid-August.
  • Matt Dominguez tests positive for PED’s, but claims his positive test was caused by the new breakfast waffle at Taco Bell. After brief deliberation, Bud Selig revokes the 50 game suspension and commends Dominguez for always living mas.
  • Frustrated with his team’s lackluster play during the first half of September, Jeff Luhnow calls up himself, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Elias, Mike Fast, and Colin Wyers. Wyers gets on base at a 40% clip, but his base-clogging status soon relegates him to the bench.
  • Jason Castro switches places with American Idol contestant Jason Castro. The Astros are instantly confronted by a lack of catching depth, but an abundance of horrible smelly dreadlocks.

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