2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Chicago Cubs

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Projected Lineup

CF: Text Turf Owl

SS: Stir Link Ass Troll

1B: Anne Toner Is Hoe

RF: Whore Hazer Lair

C: McElm Aunt Terror

3B: Cur Surprise Ant

2B: Coffee Arab Eyes

LF: Harry Cement He Elk Hand Torah

SP: Jawless Turd

SP: Shea Carry Header

SP: Shea Sean Mammal

SP: Caulk N. Drinks

SP: Soup Yoshi Water

Off-season Haiku

The World Series champs!

Step aside, Sir Barry Bonds;

Kris Bryant is here.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Anthony Rizzo off Ryan Vogelsong – 466 feet

Besides Colby Rasmus, no one crowds the plate quite like Anthony Rizzo. Vogelsong tried to run a change-up away from Rizzo here and just nope nope nope shouldn’t have done that.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Luis Valbuena off Billy Buckner – 345 feet

This was the only game Billy Buckner pitched in last year.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Yoanner Negrin
  • RHP Donn Roach
  • RHP Trey McNutt
  • 2B Stephen Bruno
  • LHP Rob Zastryzny
  • 2B Gioskar Amaya
  • OF Bijan Rademacher
  • RHP Daury Torrez
  • C Cael Brockmeyer
  • 2B Chesny Young
  • 3B Jeimer Candelario
  • OF Yasiel Balaguert
  • SS Gleyber Torres
  • OF Charcer Burks
  • RHP Adbert Alzolay
  • LHP Andin Diaz
  • RHP Greyfer Eregua
  • 3B Varonex Cuevas
  • OF Eloy Jimenez
  • OF Shamil Ubiera
  • 3B Adonis Paula
  • RHP Assael Aquino
  • RHP Erling M0reno
  • RHP Andri Rondon
  • RHP Aneuris Rosario
  • RHP Deibi Torres
  • C Martin Hodwalker
  • SS Frandy Delarosa
  • OF Jenner Emeterio
  • RHP Harrinson Bermudez
  • RHP Alfredo Colorado
  • LHP Yapson Gomez
  • LHP Eugenio Palma
  • RHP Mauro Vides
  • C Roberto Vahlis
  • 3B Wladimir Galindo
  • SS Andruw Monasterio
  • 2B Henrry Pedra
  • OF Moises Colasante
  • OF Fidel Matos

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Javier Baez is sent back to Triple-A after he begins swinging at pitches when he isn’t even batting, endangering his teammates in the dugout.
  2. Jon Lester collects his first career base hit on Opening Night against St. Louis, demolishing a 102 MPH Trevor Rosenthal fastball onto Waveland Avenue for the vaunted walk-off dinger-complete game shutout combo. It will be his only hit of 2015.
  3. After realizing they are out of the playoff hunt come August, the Cubs keep their World Series hopes alive by attempting to compete in the Little League World Series. Despite a six home run game from Tommy La Stella and a dominating performance on the mound from Travis Wood, they lose to Jackie Robinson West in the regional championship on a walk-off wild pitch from Pedro Strop.

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