2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cincinnati Reds

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bile He Milton

3B: Turd Frizzer

1B: Shoe Heave Otter

C: Diving Messy Rocky

RF: Gabe Ruse

2B: Browned Hen Flips

LF: Maryland Purred

SS: Sack O’Shart

SP: Chaw Knee Kuwait Her

SP: Home Orb Allie

SP: My Clique

SP: Toe Niece Ingrained

SP: Die Linux Hell Road

Off-season Haiku

Latos, Simon: gone.

Marlon Byrd in left field now.

PLEASE STAY, CUETO! PLEASE!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Ludwick off Yohan Flande – 458 feet

At :10, Yohan Flande expresses two decades-worth of Coors Field frustration with a single look.
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brayan Pena off Jim Henderson – 340 feet

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Donovan Hand
  • RHP Euclides Leyer
  • 1B Marquez Smith
  • 2B Hernan Iribarren
  • 3B Irving Falu
  • RHP El’Hajj Muhammad
  • SS Zach Vincej
  • OF Beau Amaral
  • OF Jeff Gelalich
  • OF Sebastian Elizalde
  • C Chad Tromp
  • SS Carlton Daal
  • 1B Avain Rachal
  • RHP Tejay Antone
  • RHP Soid Marquez
  • C Shedric Long
  • 1B Argenis Aldazoro
  • 3B Alberti Chavez
  • SS Josciel Veras
  • OF Aristides Aquino
  • RHP Israel Cuevas
  • RHP Franderlyn Romero
  • LHP Mason Felt
  • C Mitch Trees
  • SS Montrell Marshall
  • OF Narciso Crook
  • OF Reydel Medina
  • OF Jose Siri
  • OF Jonathan Martijn
  • RHP Wendolyn Bautista
  • RHP Eriberto Garcia
  • LHP Yean Paredes
  • RHP Adolfi Telleria
  • C Pabel Manzanero
  • 1B Derik Capitillo
  • OF Sucre Doval

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Todd Frazier, easily the most dad player in all of MLB, fulfills his destiny by getting traded to the Padres at the trade deadline for Rymer Lirano and Yangervis Solarte’s credit card debt.
  2. Three more casual Reds fans finally learn who Zack Cozart is.
  3. Billy Hamilton gets a 50 game suspension after an umpire discovers that his blazing speed on the basepaths has been aided by wheels at the bottom of his cleats. That’s right people; Billy Hamilton wears Heelys to work.

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