2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Detroit Tigers

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Projected Lineup

2B: He And King Slurp

CF: Ray Jade Avis

1B: Mink Elk Appear Uh

DH: Sphinx Termer Teens

RF: Your Anus Say PED’s

LF: Jane D Marty’s Knees

3B: Knee Kissed Allan Goes

C: Alexa Vile

SS: Hoe Says Igloo Says

SP: Day Per Ice

SP: Juice Denver Lanyard

SP: On The Balls Hand Cheese

SP: Shame Careen

SP: Elf Rodeos I’m On

Off-season Haiku

Bye, Rich Porn Seller!

Detroit smells like dinger time.

Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off Tyler Matzek – 445 feet

“Hit a ton, but there’s a lot of room out there for Stubbs OH NOPE IT’S MIGUEL CABRERA ALRIGHT”

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off John Lackey – 329 feet

This would be a foul ball at your local little league park.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Jheyson Manzueta
  • RHP Guido Knudson
  • RHP Warwick Saupold
  • RHP Endrys Briceno
  • RHP Whit Mayberry
  • RHP Montreal Robertson
  • RHP Scott Sitz
  • LHP Trent Szkutnik
  • C Grayson Greiner
  • C Arvicent Perez
  • 1B Dominic Ficociello
  • OF Raph Rhymes
  • RHP Josh Laxer
  • RHP Confesor Lara
  • RHP Cale Elam
  • RHP Gage Smith
  • 3B Joey Pankake
  • C James Philibossian
  • 1B Corey Baptist
  • 1B Giancarlo Bugnoni
  • OF Orvin Tovar
  • 1B Magglio Ordonez Jr.
  • RHP Wildenson Yanez
  • RHP Adenson Verastegui
  • RHP Jesus Paricaguan
  • LHP Eudis Idrogo
  • C Andres Sthormes
  • C Jheyser Azuaje
  • 2B Keyder Aristigueta
  • 1B Junnell Ledezma
  • RHP Yei Almonte
  • RHP Franchi Batista
  • LHP Derlin Espinal
  • RHP Janry Obispo
  • SS Isrrael De La Cruz
  • 2B Eurys Felipe
  • 2B Gregoris Hidalgo
  • OF Sauris Mejia
  • OF Ignacio Valdez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Justin Verlander starts wearing size Men’s Large┬ábaseball pants instead of Youth Medium pants. The switch increases circulation in his lower half and propels him back to Cy Young form.
  • 6″7′ outfield prospect Steven Moya breaks camp with the Tigers but plays small forward for the Pistons until they want to start his service clock. He wins Eastern Conference Rookie of the Month for April.
  • Yoenis Cespedes wins his 3rd consecutive Home Run Derby with an Internet-pleasing, record-breaking 69 total home runs. His legend grows exponentially when he exhausts every “BACK BACK BACK” Chris Berman has left in the tank, rendering him unconscious for the entire final round.

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