2014 CFBBQ Season Previews

Click here to see our 2013 Season Previews!

AL EAST

Baltimore Orioles

Boston Red Sox

New York Yankees

Tampa Bay Rays

Toronto Blue Jays

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox

Cleveland Indians

Detroit Tigers

Kansas City Royals

Minnesota Twins

AL WEST

Houston Astros

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Oakland Athletics

Seattle Mariners

Texas Rangers

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

Miami Marlins

New York Mets

Philadelphia Phillies

Washington Nationals

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs

Cincinnati Reds

Milwaukee Brewers

Pittsburgh Pirates

St. Louis Cardinals

NL WEST

Arizona Diamondbacks

Colorado Rockies

Los Angeles Dodgers

San Diego Padres

San Francisco Giants

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Milwaukee Brewers

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 Brewer Eyes

brewers_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Weird place for Garza.

They got Will Smith, movie star!

Oh. Not that one. Damn.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • OF Hainley Statia
  • C Robinzon Diaz
  • RHP Santo Manzanillo
  • 3B Shea Vucinich
  • OF Brock Kjeldgaard
  • OF Chadwin Stang
  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • OF T.J. Mittelstaedt
  • OF D’Vontrey Richardson
  • OF Max Walla
  • RHP Axel Cordero
  • RHP Yosmer Leal
  • LHP Boanerges Nova
  • 2B Roosevert Chal
  • 3B Raphachel Colatosti
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • 2B Jorge Quiterio
  • OF Yerald Martinez
  • OF Yunior Santana
  • RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
  • OF Dionis Hinojosa
  • RHP Nattino Diplan
  • C Johel Atencio
  • 1B Nicol Valderrey
  • OF Joantgel Segovia
  • RHP Gian Rizzo

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Miami Marlins

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Marlin Eyes

marlins_withanames

Off-season Haiku:

I don’t know. I guess

Miami got Saltier.

Other than that, blah.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • RHP Anthony DeSclafani
  • C Sharif Othman
  • 2B Terrence Dayleg
  • RHP Jheyson Manzueta
  • RHP Dane Stone
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • OF Jesus Solorzano
  • 3B J.T. Riddle
  • OF Wildert Pujols
  • RHP Yeims Mendoza
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
  • RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
  • 2B Iramis Olivencia
  • C Yobanis Pinto
  • SS Garvis Lara
  • 3B Geuris Santana
  • SS Geral Silva
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • OF Isael Soto
  • OF Alinson Peguero
  • OF Coco Johnson

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

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Phillie Eyes

phillies_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Marlon Byrd, baby!

Somehow got AJ Burnett.

Fausto Carmona.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • C Bob Stumpo
  • 1B Art Charles
  • OF Jiandido Tromp
  • LHP Ervis Manzanillo
  • RHP Ulises Joaquin
  • RHP Yacksel Rios
  • SS Malquin Canelo
  • SS Willerker Isava
  • RHP Seranthony Dominguez
  • RHP Franklyn Kilome
  • OF Freddy Zorrilla
  • LHP Denton Keys
  • OF Venn Biter
  • RHP Steiner Carmona
  • LHP Francibel Alejo
  • RHP Gregorix Mateo
  • RHP Yonathan Trinidad
  • 2B Olvy Marte
  • OF Julsan Kamara
  • 3B Jesus Posso
  • LHP Elniery Garcia
  • RHP Feliberto Sachez
  • RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
  • LHP Oberdan Diaz
  • RHP Edubray Ramos
  • LHP Ranger Suarez
  • SS Grenny Cumana

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

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Athletic Eyes (including injured Jarrod Parker)

athletics_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

A bunch of weird trades.

Kazmir and Punto. GET PUMPED.

We love Yoenis.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • 1B Max Muncy
  • OF D’Arby Myers
  • OF Conner Crumbliss
  • 3B Miles Head
  • 3B B.A. Vollmuth
  • C Nick Rickles
  • RHP Kayvon Bahramzadeh
  • LHP Jerad Grundy
  • OF Herschel Powell
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga
  • LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
  • 1B Sandber Pimentel
  • RHP Wilfredo Magallenes
  • RHP Emerson Nelo
  • C Jesus Monserratt
  • RHP Travis Pitcher
  • OF Vicmal De La Cruz

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • After a slew of pitching injuries, the A’s re-sign Vida Blue who then posts a 3.41 ERA in 130 innings as a 64 year old.
  • Sean Doolittle will do more doing.
  • To save money on concessions, the A’s will repurpose the overflowing sewage from the dugouts as “Oakland Chili” to be sold on hot dogs throughout the stadium
  • Billy Beane will hang ‘em up after the season and the A’s will replace him with the actual Brad Pitt.
  • Yoenis Cespedes will win the Home Run Derby, the Silver Slugger, the MVP, the World Series, Mr. Universe, Ms. Universe, the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the 2014 congressional seat for Alameda County, 14 episodes of Jeopardy in a row, and the hearts, minds, and souls of the American people.

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

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Padre Eyes

padres_withnames copy

Off-season Haiku:

They made some odd trades

and gambled on Josh Johnson.

Joaquin Benoit! Yay!

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • RHP Kevin Quackenbush
  • RHP Adys Portillo
  • SS Bridger Hunt
  • RHP Walker Weickel
  • 1B Diego Goris
  • OF Mallex Smith
  • 2B River Stevens
  • DH Malquiel Brito
  • LHP Payton Baskette
  • RHP Jace Chancellor
  • SS Franchy Cordero
  • RHP Starling Ynfante
  • LHP Deninson Martinez
  • RHP Mayky Perez
  • RHP Jaimito Lebron
  • SS Westhers Magdaleno
  • SS Ruddy Giron
  • OF Dayon Olmo
  • SS Daniel Bravo
  • 1B Derwin Pomare
  • 2B Elys Ugueto
  • OF Yorky Diaz
  • 2B Jalen Goree
  • OF Franmil Reyes

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • The Padres move the fences in again. The fences will be roughly 50 feet behind the infield dirt. Petco will be a pitcher’s park no more. Alexi Amarista will hit 93 home runs.
  • San Diego will trade top prospect Cameron Maybin to the Detroit Tigers for Miguel Cabrera.
  • Chris Denorfia will hit a walk-off single in the 12th inning of every single Sunday home game of the season.
  • Tommy John will have Josh Johnson surgery.
  • Kyle Blanks will get recalled from Triple-A El Paso. Blanks, Xavier Nady, and Yonder Alonso will form the least intimidating first base platoon in baseball. They will be known as Kyle XY.

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

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Royal Eyes

royals_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Four years for Vargas,

How terribly exciting.

BRUCE CHEN IS BACK YEAH

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • SS Orlando Calixte
  • OF Johermyn Chavez
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Zeb Sneed
  • LHP Yojensy Arias
  • LHP Brent Bonvillain
  • C Beau Maggi
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • RHP Starlin Quinonez
  • RHP Yerinson Tatis
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • OF Cornelio Valerio
  • RHP Torey Deshazier

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • Lorde will finish with a higher SLG% than Mike Moustakas
  • The Royals will film a crazy music video for their new smash hit “Pursuit of the Postseason (Norichika Aoki Remix)” starring Jarrod Dyson and Danny Valencia.
  • By August, Yordano Ventura will be wearing his hat backwards. No one will complain.
  • After their first major baseball-related announcement, the Royals will decide to take another route right before the trade deadline. Word will get out that they have a minor football-related announcement. They will trade Billy Butler to the Kansas City Chiefs for whoever is on the Kansas City Chiefs. Dante Hall? Is he still on the Kansas City Chiefs? The Royals will trade Billy Butler for Dante Hall.
  • Eric Hosmer will finally become the magical unicorn that Royals fans have been hoping for. That is, until the fans realize that unicorns struggle to play baseball. The Royals will release Eric Hosmer because he will be a unicorn. Science will sign unicorn-Eric Hosmer to long-term deal.

 

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Houston Astros

Click here for all previous previews. 

astros_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Scott Feldman, new ace.

Stole Fowler from the Rockies.

Japhet Amador.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • DH Japhet Amador
  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • SS Chan Moon
  • RHP Rayderson Chevalier
  • LHP Geronimo Franzua
  • RHP Yonquelys Martinez
  • LHP Christhoper Santamaria
  • LHP Starlyng Sanchez
  • 3B Arturo Michelena
  • SS Kristian Trompiz
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • 2B Parker Hipp
  • RHP Jandel Gustave
  • RHP Luis Ordosgoitti
  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • RHP Euris Quezada
  • OF Brauly Mejia
  • LHP Austin Nicely
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • 3B Adam Nelubowich

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • In a tragic twist of fate that shocks the entire baseball universe, Jose Altuve experiences a growth spurt at the age of 23 and grows a full foot over the course of the season.
  • Lance Berkman disguises himself as a Venezuelan minor leaguer named Ylance Beracmando and slugs .893 before his costume falls off in mid-August.
  • Matt Dominguez tests positive for PED’s, but claims his positive test was caused by the new breakfast waffle at Taco Bell. After brief deliberation, Bud Selig revokes the 50 game suspension and commends Dominguez for always living mas.
  • Frustrated with his team’s lackluster play during the first half of September, Jeff Luhnow calls up himself, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Elias, Mike Fast, and Colin Wyers. Wyers gets on base at a 40% clip, but his base-clogging status soon relegates him to the bench.
  • Jason Castro switches places with American Idol contestant Jason Castro. The Astros are instantly confronted by a lack of catching depth, but an abundance of horrible smelly dreadlocks.

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

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 rockies_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Another weird one.

Hopefully Morneau hits bombs.

BOONE LOGAN!?!?!?! THREE YEARS?!?!?!

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • 3B Jayson Langfels
  • 1B Kiel Roling
  • OF Delta Cleary Jr.
  • RHP Jesse Meaux
  • 1B Matt Argyropoulos
  • LHP Yoely Bello
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • 3B Ashley Graeter
  • OF Marcos Derkes
  • OF Kyle Von TungeIn
  • LHP Radhames Valerio
  • RHP Salvador Justo
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • RHP Joel Payamps
  • LHP Helmis Rodriguez
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • SS Emerson Jimenez
  • LHP Breiling Eusebio
  • C Wilkyns Jimenez
  • OF Denzel Richardson
  • OF Omar Carrizales

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Arizona Diamondbacks

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 diamondbacks_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Super-duper weird.

Don’t understand anything.

Bronson Arroyo!

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • C Raywilly Gomez
  • OF Breland Almadova
  • OF Socrates Brito
  • SS Didi Gregorius
  • OF Yogey Perez-Ramos
  • LHP Jose Jose
  • 2B Denver Chavez
  • RHP Bud Jeter
  • 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
  • 2B Fernery Ozuna
  • RHP Wellinton Felix
  • RHP Merkis Montero
  • 3B Vicson Graciano
  • OF Frankies Alcantara
  • RHP Silvino Bracho
  • RHP Tyler Toyfair
  • C Stryker Trahan
  • LHP Anfernee Benitez
  • RHP Alex Byo
  • SS Josue Herrera
  • RHP Johnny Shuttlesworth