2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

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Projected Lineup

SS: A Seedy Sex Crowbar

LF: Alexa Garden

1B: Harry Kozma

DH: King Grease Moor Allies

C: Saliva Derp Ares

RF: Elixer Hijos

2B: Home Harry Fun Time

3B: Mice Mushed Tacos

CF: Lawrence OK

SP: Your Dong Oven Churro

SP: Trey Song Forge Ass

SP: Gare Meager Us Tree

SP: Adding Son Vole Quest

SP: Dandied Huffy

Off-season Haiku

Well, James Shields is gone.

It was fun while it lasted.

Edinson Volquez?!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Alex Gordon off Cody Allen – 462 feet

This was probably the pinnacle of the Royals’ regular season run, a game-tying dinger in a late August game on national television. It was also absolutely destroyed.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Salvador Perez off Kirby Yates – 338 feet

The left field line situation at Tropicana is arguably even stranger than the Pesky Pole in Fenway. What the hell is that platform even doing there?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Aroni Nina
  • OF Whit Merrifield
  • LHP Tripp Davis
  • RHP Benino Pruneda
  • 1B Mark Threlkeld
  • 2B Justin Trapp
  • LHP Jonathan Dzeidzic
  • LHP Felix Familia
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • RHP Glenn Sparkman
  • LHP Daniel Stumpf
  • OF Daniel Rockett
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Igol Feliz
  • RHP Robinson Yambati
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Scott Blewett
  • LHP Enmanuel Camacho
  • LHP Estarlin Cordero
  • RHP Eric Sandness
  • LHP Dylan Sons
  • 2B D.J. Burt
  • 3B Manny Olloque
  • OF Amalani Fukofuka
  • OF Logan Moon
  • LHP Cruz Guevara
  • RHP Zach Lovvorn
  • LHP Eric Stout
  • SS Jeckson Flores
  • SS Marten Gasparini
  • 3B Wander Franco
  • OF DonAndre Clark
  • OF Brawlun Gomez
  • RHP Gerson Garabito
  • RHP Ofeidy Gomez
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • 1B Yorly Martinez
  • OF Jose Vital
  • OF Yeison Melo

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Terrence Gore makes the Opening Day roster as Kendrys Morales’ designated pinch-runner. Kendrys keeps Gore in his back pocket during at-bats and when he makes contact, he pulls him out and throws him towards first base.
  2. After successfully converting Below-Average Starter Wade Davis into All-Time Great Reliever Wade Davis, the Royals attempt to turn Below-Average Reliever Louis Coleman into All-Time Great Starter Louis Coleman. It doesn’t work.
  3. As a response to somewhat controversially stopping at third base in Game 7 of the World Series, Alex Gordon tries to score on every single ball he hits to the outfield during the year, leading to a record number of inside-the-park home runs and a litany of TOOTBLANs.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Tampa Bay Rays

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Projected Lineup

CF: Chess Mound Jeggings

DH: Chonge Ace Hoe

3B: Heaven Lawn Gorier

1B: Game Slow Knee

LF: Steep And Shoots A

RF: Cave Ink Heem Ire

SS: Ass Dribble Capybara

C: Ray Neigh Rave Hair

2B: Nike Frog Line

SP: Crew Starcher

SP: Mate More

SP: Juice My Lee

SP: Jay Code Whore Easy

SP: Al Licks Column Hey

Off-season Haiku

Is there anyone left?

Maddon, Friedman, Zobrist, Wil;

STEVEN SOUZA, THOUGH!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Sean Rodriguez off Shawn Kelley – 445 feet

Tampa lost a lot of talent this off-season, but in twenty years, we will look back at the Noted Slugger Sean Rodriguez for a PTNBL trade as their most disastrous move.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Wil Myers off Masahiro Tanaka – 335 feet

This bat flip from Myers wasn’t quite up to his standard, but it was still pretty solid.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Mayobanex Acosta
  • C Mike Marjama
  • SS Leonardo Reginatto
  • RHP Eduar Quinonez
  • C Maxx Tissenbaum
  • SS Juniel Quereceto
  • OF Marty Gantt
  • OF Boog Powell
  • OF Johnny Field
  • OF Granden Goetzman
  • RHP Buddy Borden
  • C Armando Araiza
  • OF Yoel Araujo
  • RHP Eli Echarry
  • RHP Enderson Franco
  • SS Alec Sole
  • RHP Hyrum Formo
  • RHP Yonny Chirinos
  • 2B Bill Pujols
  • RHP Brock Burke
  • LHP Cristopher Crisostomo
  • RHP Yael Regalado
  • RHP Abrahan Rodriguez
  • C Mark Clark
  • 3B Isias Alcantar
  • OF Cade Gotta
  • OF Zacrey Law
  • LHP Genesis Cabrera
  • RHP Jeffry Done
  • RHP Herminio Germoso
  • RHP Kendri Salvador
  • RHP Sandy Brito
  • RHP Estarly Cedeno
  • C Rafelin Lorenzo
  • 2B Jilbert Rosario
  • RHP Roimar Guarecuco
  • RHP Chander Sanz
  • 3B Pascual Fiorello
  • CF Randhi Balcazar
  • OF Eleardo Cabrera

Three Bold Predictions

  1. John Jaso’s return to Tampa Bay spawns a series of giant Nike We Are All Witnesses billboards throughout the city, featuring Jaso’s precious face.
  2. The Rays home opener is delayed twenty minutes when the entire team simultaneously forgets who they hired to replace Joe Maddon.
  3. Steven Souza struggles in April while Wil Myers blossoms into a legitimate All-Star talent in San Diego, as the Rays lose their second Wil Myers Trade™ in three years.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

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Projected Lineup

SS: Chin Meat Raw Wings

LF: Call Call Fjord

CF: Your Seal Pig

1B: Aid Rye Angle Souls

C: Ass Money Grundel

2B: A Weak A Drink

3B: Wander eBay

RF: Shock Beaters On

SP: Cleat Honker Shoe

SP: Saw Cranky

SP: Inching Wee Who

SP: Bring Them Car Thief

SP: Bread Handers On

Off-season Haiku

Where did Matt Kemp go?

Drastic Front Office changes;

Bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Hanley Ramirez off Jorge De La Rosa – 472 feet

Even in the rain, this was the 5th farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014. If Hanley hits one like that this year, the ball could go all the way to [insert Boston suburb you have the most family friends in]!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Scott Van Slyke off Wade Miley – 341 feet

The first thing you’ll notice is that they are playing the game in Australia. Remember that?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Red Patterson
  • 3B Buck Britton
  • SS Erisbel Arruebarrena
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Raydel Sanchez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • C Austin Chubb
  • 2B Casio Grider
  • 1B Justin Chigbogu
  • 1B Josmar Cordero
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • RHP Karch Kowalcyzk
  • RHP Abdiel Velasquez
  • C John Cannon
  • 3B Yensys Capellan
  • OF Billy Bereszniewicz
  • OF Andrew Godbold
  • RHP Danny Danielson
  • RHP Misja Harcksen
  • RHP Lenix Osuna
  • RHP Harlan Richter
  • RHP Sven Schuller
  • RHP Kam Uter
  • RHP M.J. Villegas
  • 1B Ibandel Isabel
  • OF Federico Celli
  • RHP Melvyn Forbes
  • LHP Osiris Ramirez
  • C Hendrik Clementina
  • C Gersel Pitre
  • C Alvaro Rubi
  • 3B Jimy Perez
  • OF Shakir Albert

Three Bold Predictions

  • In line with the organization’s new image the Dodgers formally change their name to the Los Angeles Nerds. The crowd chant of “LETS GO NERDS” during the playoffs inspires millions across the country.
  • Yasiel Puig finds a person named Cütof Mann and hits him in the face.
  • Juan Uribe hits a home run and consequently bat flips the bat over the center field wall. A little known MLB bylaw grants Uribe double the runs for his courageous display of raw strength.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Milwaukee Brewers

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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Logo Mets

C: Joe Nathan Luke Roy

RF: Rye and Brown

3B: Our Aim Is Ram Ears

1B: A Dim Lint

LF: Khrist Avis

2B: Scoot Her Gen Ed

SS: Genes O’Gura

SP: Matic R. Za

SP: Kai Ill OH SH–!

SP: Will He Pear Altar

SP: Mic Fires

SP: Gym Mean Hell Sun

Off-season Haiku

Hello, Adam Lind.

Not much else besides saying

So long, Gallardo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Rickie Weeks off Travis Wood – 464 feet

It’s not THAT rare for someone to hit a home run on to Waveland Avenue over the left field bleachers, but this was much closer to center field that it was to left. Ridiculous power. Weeks has already showed this spring that he can still hit home runs pretty freakin’ far, and it’ll be interesting to see how his power translates to Safeco.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Braun off David Carpenter – 345 feet

That’s 97 MPH chest high, and Braun just muscles it out down the right field line. Major league baseball players, man. They’re pretty good.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Wirfin Obispo
  • C Robinzon Diaz
  • OF Nathan Orf
  • OF D’Vontrey Richardson
  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • RHP Tommy Toledo
  • C Milan Post
  • OF Yunior Santana
  • 2B Jorge Quiterio
  • RHP Cy Sneed
  • C Natanael Mejia
  • 1B Alan Sharkey
  • LHP Boanerges Nova
  • RHP Nattino Diplan
  • RHP Axel Cordero
  • 2B Roosevert Chal
  • SS Franly Mallen
  • 1B Nicol Valderray
  • OF Joantgel Segovia

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After proving he can mash dingers at every professional level available to him and STILL not having an everyday role on an MLB team, Matt Clark decides to take advantage of the improved diplomatic relations with Cuba and heads south to play in the Cuban National Series for a year. He shatters Jose Abreu’s single-season home run record and becomes best friends with Yo’s family.
  2. Khris Davis’ OBP in the first half struggles to get above .280, forcing the Brewers front office to swap him out with Bernie the Brewer. Despite below-average defense in left, Bernie posts a .921 OPS with 23 dingers at home, each one prompting Davis to slide down the Miller Park Slide.
  3. Having announced during Spring Training that he is retiring after the 2015 season, Aramis Ramirez decides he wants a Jeter-esque retirement tour too. Struggling to come up with original gifts for Aramis, each MLB team decides to just give him Jeter-signed memorabilia instead.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Mets

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Projected Lineup

2B: Dangle Em Herpies

LF: My Kegel Dyer

3B: Dave Dried

1B: Lou Cast Tudor

C: Trapeze Doorknob

RF: Grotesque Ranger Sewn

SS: Will Mufflers

CF: On Land Cars

SP: Me Turvy

SP: Barter Loco Loan

SP: Jonny’s

SP: Squealer

SP: Shake Of Pogrom

Off-season Haiku

You got a shortstop?

One that’s not Wilmer Flores.

Where’s Rey Ordonez?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Kevin Correia – 457 feet

Lucas Duda quietly hit 30 home runs in 2014. This was the longest of those 30.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Vance Worley – 341 feet

Wait, Lucas Duda hit 30 home runs in 2014? Huh. This was the shortest of those 30.

Best Names in the Farm System

  •  RHP Rainy Lara
  • C Xorge Carillo
  • OF Maikis De La Cruz
  • RHP Dawrin Frias
  • RHP Chris Flexen
  • RHP Persio Reyes
  • LHP Paul Paez
  • SS Yeixon Ruiz
  • 3B Nelfi Zapata
  • OF Champ Stuart
  • RHP Gaither Bumgardner
  • RHP Martires Arias
  • RHP Scarlyn Reyes
  • RHP Edioglis Villasmil
  • OF Tucker Tharp
  • RHP Nicco Blank
  • RHP Yoryi Nuez
  • LHP David Roseboom
  • OF Wuilmer Becerra
  • RHP Nabil Crismatt
  • 1B Dash Winningham
  • OF Hengelbert Rojas
  • RHP Gregorix Estevez
  • RHP Merandy Gonzalez
  • RHP Luis Popa
  • RHP Ygnacio Rondon
  • RHP Bladimil Vallejo
  • 3B Yeffry De Aza
  • 3B Rigoberto Terrazas
  • OF Ysidro Pierre
  • RHP Wuender Fernandez
  • RHP Enmanuel Berihuete

Three Bold Predictions

  • Noah Syndergaard gets called up in May and opens his own Which Wich sandwich shop inside the Mets clubhouse. Bobby Parnell asks for a trade.
  • Bartolo Colon shows up to spring training in the best shape of his life: spherical.
  • Mets fans will be disappointed with the season. Wait. That’s not bold.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

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Projected Lineup

CF: Cookie Christ

2B: Benz O’Bris

RF: Juicer Dick

DH: Bile Heave Butt Hurt

1B: Hiked A Vince

3B: Bread Lottery

C: Steve And Boat

LF: Gray Egg Entry

SS: Mark A. Seaman

SP: Saw Nag Ray

SP: Ascot A Cat A Shmear

SP: Chest Each Haves

SP: Droop Homer Hands

SP: Chest Eon

Off-season Haiku

Traded Donaldson,

and then everybody else.

Totally new team.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Nate Freiman off Mike Minor – 459 feet

This was definitely one of those points in the ESPN broadcast where the commentators are taking a break from actually doing play-by-play because they don’t know much about who is hitting, and then Giant Human Nate Freiman hits this ridiculous dinger to center and they’re not sure how to react. 22nd farthest home run of 2014!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yoenis Cespedes off Matt Daley – 335 feet

Pause the video at contact and try to comprehend how this resulted in a home run. In conclusion: Yo.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Deck McGuire
  • 3B Alden Carrithers
  • 3B Niuman Romero
  • OF Zeke DeVoss
  • 2B Conner Crumbliss
  • 3B Miles Head
  • 1B Max Muncy
  • C Nick Rickles
  • RHP Dominique Vattuone
  • SS Yairo Munoz
  • OF J.P. Sportman
  • RHP Travis Pitcher
  • C Iolana Akau
  • C Andy Paz
  • C Argenis Raga
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga
  • OF Vicmal De La Cruz
  • OF Rodolfo Penalo
  • RHP Ruber Aquino
  • LHP Reinaldo Hoyos
  • LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
  • RHP Emerson Nelo
  • RHP Wilfredo Magallanes
  • RHP Gerardo Vilchez
  • C Jesus Monserratt
  • 1B Sandber Pimentel
  • OF Yhoelnys Gonzalez
  • OF Gean Rigby

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Billy Beane tries to trade Josh Reddick in April but ESPN won’t let him because he’s reached his Acquisition Limit for the month.
  2. Outfielder Sam Fuld hits .500 for the entire month of April, prompting yet another 10,000 word section in his already obscenely long Wikipedia page.
  3. Unaware of the Coliseum’s world-renowned sewage problems, frat star Brett Lawrie leaves an upper decker in the clubhouse bathroom, resulting in an ungodly flood of cataclysmic proportions, ultimately forcing the A’s to build a new stadium. Thanks, Brett!

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Detroit Tigers

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Projected Lineup

2B: He And King Slurp

CF: Ray Jade Avis

1B: Mink Elk Appear Uh

DH: Sphinx Termer Teens

RF: Your Anus Say PED’s

LF: Jane D Marty’s Knees

3B: Knee Kissed Allan Goes

C: Alexa Vile

SS: Hoe Says Igloo Says

SP: Day Per Ice

SP: Juice Denver Lanyard

SP: On The Balls Hand Cheese

SP: Shame Careen

SP: Elf Rodeos I’m On

Off-season Haiku

Bye, Rich Porn Seller!

Detroit smells like dinger time.

Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off Tyler Matzek – 445 feet

“Hit a ton, but there’s a lot of room out there for Stubbs OH NOPE IT’S MIGUEL CABRERA ALRIGHT”

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off John Lackey – 329 feet

This would be a foul ball at your local little league park.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Jheyson Manzueta
  • RHP Guido Knudson
  • RHP Warwick Saupold
  • RHP Endrys Briceno
  • RHP Whit Mayberry
  • RHP Montreal Robertson
  • RHP Scott Sitz
  • LHP Trent Szkutnik
  • C Grayson Greiner
  • C Arvicent Perez
  • 1B Dominic Ficociello
  • OF Raph Rhymes
  • RHP Josh Laxer
  • RHP Confesor Lara
  • RHP Cale Elam
  • RHP Gage Smith
  • 3B Joey Pankake
  • C James Philibossian
  • 1B Corey Baptist
  • 1B Giancarlo Bugnoni
  • OF Orvin Tovar
  • 1B Magglio Ordonez Jr.
  • RHP Wildenson Yanez
  • RHP Adenson Verastegui
  • RHP Jesus Paricaguan
  • LHP Eudis Idrogo
  • C Andres Sthormes
  • C Jheyser Azuaje
  • 2B Keyder Aristigueta
  • 1B Junnell Ledezma
  • RHP Yei Almonte
  • RHP Franchi Batista
  • LHP Derlin Espinal
  • RHP Janry Obispo
  • SS Isrrael De La Cruz
  • 2B Eurys Felipe
  • 2B Gregoris Hidalgo
  • OF Sauris Mejia
  • OF Ignacio Valdez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Justin Verlander starts wearing size Men’s Large baseball pants instead of Youth Medium pants. The switch increases circulation in his lower half and propels him back to Cy Young form.
  • 6″7′ outfield prospect Steven Moya breaks camp with the Tigers but plays small forward for the Pistons until they want to start his service clock. He wins Eastern Conference Rookie of the Month for April.
  • Yoenis Cespedes wins his 3rd consecutive Home Run Derby with an Internet-pleasing, record-breaking 69 total home runs. His legend grows exponentially when he exhausts every “BACK BACK BACK” Chris Berman has left in the tank, rendering him unconscious for the entire final round.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Yankees

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Projected Lineup

LF: Bet Carton Her

CF: Jay Cubby Hells Perry

RF: Carl O’Spelled Wrong

C: Prying My Gang

1B: Marked Escher-A

3B: Shake Said Lee

DH: Carriage Owns

2B: Steve Andrew

SS: Deed Eager Glorious

SP: Sea Seesaw Bath Yeehaw

SP: Massive Hero Tanker

SP: My Kelp An Nader

SP: Neigh Thin Ne-Yo Balding

SP: Crisp Cup Toronto

Off-season Haiku

They’ll get Scherzer, right?

Lester? Hanley? Moncada?!?!

Nope. Just Chase Headley.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Carlos Beltran off Edward Mujica – 434 feet

This relatively unspectacular Farthest Home Run of 2014 is yet another example of the Yankees’ relatively unspectacular 2014.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brett Gardner off Marcus Stroman – 331 feet

This home run was terrible but man, even when he gives up home runs, I continue to be extremely impressed by Marcus Stroman. Dat movement.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Andury Acevedo
  • RHP Wilking Rodriguez
  • RHP Nick Rumbelow
  • OF Slade Heathcott
  • LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
  • RHP Nick Goody
  • RHP Zach Nuding
  • 1B Greg Bird
  • OF Jake Cave
  • LHP Dietrich Enns
  • RHP Brett Gerritse
  • SS Cito Culver
  • 2B Angelo Gumbs
  • 2B Derek Toadvine
  • OF Ericson Leonora
  • OF Danny Oh
  • RHP Cale Coshow
  • RHP Rookie Davis
  • RHP Giovanny Gallegos
  • LHP Justin Kamplain
  • LHP Evan Rutckyj
  • C Kale Valera
  • SS Abiatal Avelino
  • 1B Bubba Jones
  • OF Yeicok Calderon
  • OF Claudio Custodio
  • LHP Andrew Chin
  • C Radley Haddad
  • SS Vicente Conde
  • SS Jose Javier
  • 3B Renzo Martini
  • RHP Dayton Dawe
  • LHP Jonny Drozd
  • RHP Deshorn Lake
  • RHP Manolo Reyes
  • LHP Orby Tavares
  • C Roybell Herrera
  • SS Thairo Estrada
  • C Rainiero Coa
  • SS Angel Aguilar
  • SS Yancarlos Baez
  • LHP Havid Burgos
  • RHP Raynel Espinal
  • RHP Anyelo Gomez
  • RHP Raudy Guzman
  • RHP Hershelon Juliana
  • RHP Bringnel Mendez
  • C Jerry Seitz
  • SS Griffin Garabito
  • 2B Welfrin Mateo
  • OF Greidy Encarnacion
  • OF Dario Unda
  • RHP Freddery Arias
  • RHP Jeris Casanova
  • LHP Corby McCoy
  • RHP Leyfer Ramirez
  • C Algeni Mateo
  • 2B Tirson Guzman
  • SS Yonauris Rodriguez
  • OF Yeangel Pujols
  • OF Wascar Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Alex Rodriguez plays 150 games, and hits over .300 with 40+ dingers. The New York Post sports section goes out of business soon thereafter.
  • Towards the end of spring training, Didi Gregorius legally changes his name to “Derek Jeter”, making life hell for Michael Kay and David Cone up in the booth.
  • Mark Teixeira loses 24 pounds, but his lap gains 32 pounds.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

charlie brown dinger

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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Leap Lake Man

RF: Car Lost Gun Soles

SS: Trout Who Lauren Ski

1B: Trusting Borneo

3B: No Lanyard Hey Nando

LF: Corny Tick Carton

C: Whaling Row Sorry Hoe

2B: Teach A Lame Hay Hue

SP: Whore Aiding La-Toaster

SP: Shoeless Chasing

SP: Caulk Header Ink

SP: Gourd and Liars

SP: Dialer Matchstick

Off-season Haiku

ARE THEY FINALLY

GONNA TRADE TULOWITZKI?

No. Of course not. Stop.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Mike Minor – 468 feet

This homer made it 10-6 in the fourth inning. #Coors4Ever

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brandon Barnes off Sergio Romo – 304 feet

This was easily one of the craziest plays of the entire 2014 season, and a healthy reminder that Brandon Barnes had over 300 plate appearances for the Rockies last year.

Shortest Actual Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Cole Hamels – 351 feet

Rosario has his fair share of flaws as a baseball player, particularly defensively: he’s lead the league in passed balls for each of the past three years. However, hitting baseballs over the fence is not a problem for Mr. Rosario.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Boshers
  • 2B Angelys Nina
  • RHP Nate Striz
  • 3B Jayson Langfels
  • SS Trevor Story
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Rayan Gonzalez
  • RHP Alving Mejias
  • C Abel Baker
  • OF Kyle Von Tungeln
  • 3B Dean Espy
  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • RHP Matt Pierpont
  • C Ashley Graeter
  • C Cambric Moye
  • SS Emerson Jimenez
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • OF Raimel Tapia
  • RHP Eric Nedeljkovic
  • RHP Joel Payamps
  • LHP Helmis Rodriguez
  • RHP Grahamm Wiest
  • RHP Chad Zurat
  • 2B Sam Bumpers
  • OF Denzel Richardson
  • OF Marcos Derkes
  • LHP Yoely Bello
  • RHP Gavin Glanz
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • 2B Forrest Wall
  • OF Omar Carrizales
  • LHP Breiling Eusebio
  • RHP Salvador Justo
  • RHP Lorenz Ozuna
  • RHP Yohander Quintana
  • RHP Alejandro Requena
  • RHP Ismael Viloria
  • C Hidekel Gonzalez
  • C Wilkyns Jimenez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Charlie Blackmon and Corey Dickerson morph into one amorphous blob named Charcor Blackdick.
  • After months of research, scientists discover that the only way to keep the ball from flying so far at Coors Field is to hot-box the entire stadium. Coors Field instantly boasts the highest attendance in the National League.
  •  Troy Tulowitzki is playing for the Denver Nuggets by August.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cincinnati Reds

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bile He Milton

3B: Turd Frizzer

1B: Shoe Heave Otter

C: Diving Messy Rocky

RF: Gabe Ruse

2B: Browned Hen Flips

LF: Maryland Purred

SS: Sack O’Shart

SP: Chaw Knee Kuwait Her

SP: Home Orb Allie

SP: My Clique

SP: Toe Niece Ingrained

SP: Die Linux Hell Road

Off-season Haiku

Latos, Simon: gone.

Marlon Byrd in left field now.

PLEASE STAY, CUETO! PLEASE!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Ludwick off Yohan Flande – 458 feet

At :10, Yohan Flande expresses two decades-worth of Coors Field frustration with a single look.
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brayan Pena off Jim Henderson – 340 feet

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Donovan Hand
  • RHP Euclides Leyer
  • 1B Marquez Smith
  • 2B Hernan Iribarren
  • 3B Irving Falu
  • RHP El’Hajj Muhammad
  • SS Zach Vincej
  • OF Beau Amaral
  • OF Jeff Gelalich
  • OF Sebastian Elizalde
  • C Chad Tromp
  • SS Carlton Daal
  • 1B Avain Rachal
  • RHP Tejay Antone
  • RHP Soid Marquez
  • C Shedric Long
  • 1B Argenis Aldazoro
  • 3B Alberti Chavez
  • SS Josciel Veras
  • OF Aristides Aquino
  • RHP Israel Cuevas
  • RHP Franderlyn Romero
  • LHP Mason Felt
  • C Mitch Trees
  • SS Montrell Marshall
  • OF Narciso Crook
  • OF Reydel Medina
  • OF Jose Siri
  • OF Jonathan Martijn
  • RHP Wendolyn Bautista
  • RHP Eriberto Garcia
  • LHP Yean Paredes
  • RHP Adolfi Telleria
  • C Pabel Manzanero
  • 1B Derik Capitillo
  • OF Sucre Doval

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Todd Frazier, easily the most dad player in all of MLB, fulfills his destiny by getting traded to the Padres at the trade deadline for Rymer Lirano and Yangervis Solarte’s credit card debt.
  2. Three more casual Reds fans finally learn who Zack Cozart is.
  3. Billy Hamilton gets a 50 game suspension after an umpire discovers that his blazing speed on the basepaths has been aided by wheels at the bottom of his cleats. That’s right people; Billy Hamilton wears Heelys to work.