2013 Regular Season Review: THE FUN STUFF (The Hitters)

On Monday, the Tampa Bay Rays defeated the Texas Wranglers last night for the exciting opportunity to go to Cleveland, Ohio for a night of competitive baseball. What a treat. Last night, the Pittsburgh Pirates WON A PLAYOFF GAME against the Cincinnati Reds in the NL Wild Card game and will move on to face the St. Louis Best Organization In Baseball. Honestly, I’m still mourning the death of the ridiculous 2013 regular season and I probably will be for a while. In an effort to remember the year that was and because I spend so much time on FanGraphs anyway, I’m gonna just gonna go through a multitude of interesting statistical finishes throughout baseball and maybe possibly probably not say a few things about them. We will probably do some sort of CFB Awards post after or later in the postseason, but this is what I’ve got for now. And again, thank you based FanGraphs for being too good to be true.

Important:

  • Qualified hitters = minimum 500 PA’s
  • Qualified starters = minimum 162 innings pitched
  • Qualified relievers = minimum 49 innings pitched
  • Qualified defenders = minimum 900 innings at a position

I’m gonna do this in four parts: hitters, starting pitchers, relievers and crazy stupid defensive numbers.

We start with the guys that hit the balls with the bats.

HITTERS:

Let’s Talk About WAR:

  • Mike Trout completed his second consecutive 10 win season, finishing with 10.4 WAR. A healthy lead over second place Andrew McCutchen who finished at 8.2 WAR. A brief list of guys who Mike Trout has already surpassed in CAREER WAR: Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, Nick Markakis, Justin Upton, Buster Posey, Ryan Howard (lolololololol), Marco Scutaro, Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau. Put it this way: there are only 55 players that have produced more WAR since beginning of the 2006 season than Mike Trout has since he came up. Mike Trout the best.

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Players Who Took Steroids

There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.

Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS

  • Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.

Buzz Word: HGH

  • HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.

Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension

  • When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.

Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.

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Previewing the 2013 Home Run Derpy

Several weeks ago, Ian Miller and Riley Breckenridge were talking about the upcoming Home Run Derby on their Prodcast. There was an off-hand comment about how they should have a Home Run Derpy tournament instead. So if we’re stealing the idea…we apologize deeply. But it was a difficult thing to pass up. This isn’t exactly a tournament, but it’s an appreciation of our eight participants in a slightly different manner. It’s a shame Jeff Karstens won’t be the one pitching to them next Monday night. Anyway, let’s get started.

The American League

CAPTAIN: New York Yankees 2B Robinson Cano

Baltimore Orioles 1B Chris Davis

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Chris(t) Davis Hits 34th Home Run, Is Religion

The Most Holy of Men

Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has looked towards religion as a way to explain the way the world works. While there are differences in all of them, creation myths and deities tend to have significant through-lines, and tonight I feel prepared to publish my explanation as to why this happens. In the past, we have shown that Chris Davis is actually Jesus, but I believe there is more to it than that, that if you look closer, you can find Chris Davis in all religions.

Thor

THORDAVIS

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Update: Chris Davis Still Not Blinking (And Still Amazing)

In late April, I explored Chris Davis’ ridiculous start to the season and what might have caused it. Nearly three months later, my hypothesis has been all but scientifically proven.

Chris Davis has yet to blink once this entire season.

He is too focused on breaking every possible non-Barry Bonds record ever set. Davis is currently second only to Miguel Cabrera in FanGraphs WAR at 4.8. He’s slugging .731. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. He has a commanding lead in the home run department at 32 on the year. To be nice, Chris Davis has yet to steal a base this year. He feels that would be unfair. Anyway, let’s just get to the overwhelming evidence.

Here is Chris Davis not blinking moments before getting slapped by a friendly teammate:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while avoiding looking at Justin Morneau’s questionable moustache: 

morneau stache

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NEW CHRIS DAVIS SHIRTLESS PICS

So I was at my grandfather’s house the other day cleaning up some of his old stuff in the basement. As I sifted through piles of aged rubbish, I couldn’t help but think that there might be something valuable for me to find. Lo and behold, under a pile of 30 year old pharmacy receipts, I found something wonderful. Something incoherently perfect. Something bold, beautiful, and bicep-laden. I found new Chris Davis photos. Total coincidence that he hit two bombs today. Drool at your own safety.

This pic shows Davis in peak physical shape; his 8-pac bulging out of his Thor-like chest.

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You Searched What?

If it weren’t for WordPress’ advanced statistics, we would sit around all day and ponder about how many people from Algeria have ever read the blog (it’s 9 by the way). One particularly great feature of WordPress is that we can see the Google search terms that lead people to CFB.

The top three searches are pretty expected.

Duh. But if you look a bit lower down the list, you’ll find some funky ones. They all fall into three very specific categories.

  • Chris Davis fetishes
  • Random shit
  • Questions we cannot answer

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What Has Changed About Chris Davis ?

This past January, Baseball Prospectus’ Sam Miller explored the possibility of former Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds having a very unfortunate visual deficiency. It got me thinking.

Baltimore Orioles first baseman/designated hitter/occasional disastrous right fielder Chris Davis is off to an unbelievable start to the 2013 season. Through 14 games and 58 humble plate appearances, Davis is slugging a comical .784 with 20 RBI and 6 dingers. In 2011, split between Texas and Baltimore, Davis drove in 18 runs and hit 5 dingers over 210 plate appearances. Last year, he broke out in a full season with the O’s, blasting 33 home runs and driving in 85. He’s always had big time raw power, but it’s never translated to this extent.  So what changed? What has changed about Chris Davis that has turned him into a true middle-of-the-order threat? 

It had to be something subtle, I pondered. He hasn’t developed a new approach or magically acquired improved hand-eye coordination to help reduce the strikeouts. I believe Chris Davis has actually eliminated a part of his game in order to improve his performance.

After nearly a full 10 minutes of research, I’ve concluded that Chris Davis has decided to stop blinking. It seems hard to comprehend, but the evidence is overwhelming. Let’s take a look back at Davis’ days as a Texas Ranger.

Here are some conveniently timed screenshots of Chris Davis participating in interviews as a Ranger:

blink 1  blink 5

Here is Chris Davis blinking, or being a pervert:

blink 3

Here is Chris Davis blinking in front of his locker (notice his abysmal numbers through 45 games):

blink 6

Here is a frustrated Chris Davis blinking:

blink 4

Here is Chris Davis blinking after hitting a home run:

blink 2

Here is Chris Davis probably blinking:

blink 7

***

So we’ve identified the problem. Has Davis really fixed this horrendous flaw in his game?

Here is Chris Davis not blinking as two female fans admire his biceps:

Here is Chris Davis showcasing his new and improved eternal stare:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while being interviewed during spring training:

Here is Chris Davis shirtless and still not blinking:

“You thought I was gonna blink, right? Wrong.”

I rest my case, your honor.