It’s that time of year again. The air is crisp, October awaits, and the postseason is finally here. For most of you this is a dark time as your beloved
Mariners [TEAM OF CHOICE] have been agonizingly eliminated from postseason contention. But for some of you, October is a magical time filled with crushed hope, dried tears, and the sour taste of disappointment. Look on the bright side: there’s no way the World Series could be more blah than last season… *Prays fervently against inevitable Cardinals/Tigers World Series*
We here at the Cespedes Family Barbecue are very similar to the rest of the baseball universe in that we have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. What we do know however, is that each team has keys; Keys to the Playoffs, that is. Instead of actually analyzing and evaluating the playoff contenders, we decided to focus on the important things each team needs to do in order to ensure postseason success. These proverbial keys will unlock the proverbial doors of victory for the proverbial people handling said proverbial keys:
Nationals (1) vs. Pirates/Giants
Dodgers (2) vs. Cardinals (3)
Angels (1) vs. Royals/A’s
Orioles (2) vs. Tigers (3)
Happy we could help!
For those of you that don’t know there was a little incident last night involving Jesus Montero, a Mariners cross-checker, and an ice cream sandwich. You can read about the details here, but due to Montero’s act of decadent defiance, something more important is sweeping the nation. Failed prospects around the country, nay, around the globe, are taking up arms against baseball’s scouting aristocracy. These are pictures of said failed prospects throwing desserts:
Former Rockies prospect Greg Reynolds chucks some chocolate milk
Matt Anderson, Tigers savior of the late 90’s, whips a chunk of peanut brittle
Two-way superstar Adam Loewen says “Happy Birthday”
Devil Rays righty Dewon Brazelton heaves an entire fondue fountain at an unsuspecting area scout
America’s favorite failed prospect, Brett Jackson, unleashes America’s favorite dessert, the firecracker.
Former Pirates top prospect Bryan Bullington serves up some bananas foster
Tim Beckham throws some…… brownies.
Earlier today, the Twitter universe learned of the Rockies giveaway disaster. They managed to spell the name of their superstar wrong on all X number of free jerseys they gave away to their home fans. Tulowizki. Troy Tulowizki! No, seriously, Troy Tulowizki:
Shortly after, we saw this wonderful tweet from Mr. Grant Brisbee:
It got us thinking. The Rockies sure messed up, but it could have been a lot worse for some other teams.
Since the vote was revealed last month, constant discussions and arguments over who should and shouldn’t have been voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame have occurred. A large portion of our internet compadres believe this year’s class of Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and Frank Thomas was far too small. Clearly, many other deserving candidates belong in the Hall. People are starting to worry if some of these superstars are ever going to make it into the Hall of Fame. We decided to speed things up.
What follows is somewhat inspired by an old Jeff Sullivan tweet.
(Note: former podcast guest Scott Weber now runs Lookout Landing, so it looks like he wrote the tweet. But he didn’t. He’s not that funny.)
What a brilliant idea. Barry Bonds should probably just go to the Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, he’s too busy biking and holding adorable dogs. Luckily, we can just put him, along with the large group of other deserving candidates, into the Hall of Fame.
Let’s fix this mess.
Craig Biggio, Mike Piazza, and Barry Bonds finally made it to the Hall of Fame. Piazza looks exhausted.
Tim Raines stands confidently inside the Hall of Fame. Slammin’ Sammy is jumping for joy because he’s finally in the Hall of Fame.
A young Barry Bonds casually leans against a pillar inside the Hall of Fame. An even younger Sammy Sosa and Piazza pretend they’re still in the big leagues. Jeff Bagwell is relaxing on a bench in the Hall of Fame. Edgar Martinez has fallen and he can’t get up…but at least he’s in the Hall of Fame.
Unless you live in a cave or in North Korea, you probably know that the Winter Olympics are going on right now in Sochi, Russia. While there are 88 different countries participating, there seems to be one country receiving less media attention than the rest: Cuba. Sure, there have been some political kerfuffles, and yes, it’s not that cold in the Caribbean, but the Cuban national Olympic team deserves more recognition. Don’t worry peons, the BBQ is here to offer up unmatched coverage of all things Cuba:
Free agent Kendrys Morales takes some time off from contract negotiations and hits the slopes in the downhill for Team Cuba
Our hero Yoenis Cespedes and his partner Leonys Martin go for the Flying Lotus in figure skating pairs
New White Sox slugger Jose Dariel Abreu catches some air in the men’s ski jumping competition. Who needs a helmet anyway?
Martin, Yasiel Puig, and Yuniesky Betancourt get down and dirty on the ice. Yuni is bringing up the rear of course
So you might not have heard, but I’m a big fan of Barry Bonds. Last month, I wrote about my 25 favorite Barry Bonds facts for Michael Clair’s blogathon. This time, I did very little writing at all.
Something fun to watch on home run replays is the victimized pitcher’s immediate reaction. I quickly found that pitchers who gave up monstrous home runs to Barry Bonds had a fascinatingly wide range of reactions.
MLB.com recently added video of every single home run that Barry Bonds hit into McCovey Cove, as well as all of his milestone home runs. Naturally, I went back and watched all of them once or a thousand times, and I observed the humans around Barry Bonds the instant he hit the dinger.
These are their stories (in a series of blurry screenshots).
The Red Sox beards have become a team symbol. But what if the Cardinals abandoned their “Cardinal Way” and grew some scruff?
WAIT WE LEFT SOMEONE OUT. SORRY CARLOS MARTINEZ
Oh wait, did I forget Shelby Miller? You can just call me Mike Matheny.
Happy World Series.
So you’ve probably seen the ad for a new show on FOX called DADS.
Screw DADS. We made our own TV show and it’s better:
From left to right: Tracy, Cordero, Qualls, Billingsley.
Max Scherzer has this thing with his eyes which has a scientific name that I do not know. He has one blue eye and one brown eye, which is pretty cool. What if the rest of the Tigers also looked like that?
The Rest of The Pitching Staff
The Starting Nine
This is conversation that actually happened before Game 2 of the ALCS between Jim Leyland and Joe Torre.