2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Miami Marlins

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

2B: Dig Or Down

LF: Cries Tunnel Itch

RF: Junk Harlots Tanking

1B: My Shell Mouse

CF: Morsel Ozone

3B: More Temp Hardo

C: Chair Heads A Turtle My Kia

SS: Aid O’Niece Have Area

SP: O’Safe Or Andes

SP: Mettle A Toast

SP: Hand Her Son All Bores

SP: Shared Coke Shart

SP: Dang A Rang

Off-season Haiku

Giancarlo got PAID.

Latos, Dee Gordon, Mike Morse,

They signed Ichiro!!!!!11!1!!!!!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Giancarlo Stanton off Eric Stults – 484 feet

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Garrett Jones off Gonzalez Germen – 352 feet

And to think, Garrett Jones is about to play 81 games at Yankee Stadium. The lame RF home runs have only just begun!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Lay Batista
  • 3B Terrence Dayleg
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • C Chadd Krist
  • C Sharif Othman
  • SS Yosmany Guerra
  • OF Jesus Solorzano
  • RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
  • LHP Stone Speer
  • C Chris Hoo
  • 3B Rehiner Cordova
  • 3B J.T. Riddle
  • OF Yefri Perez
  • RHP Juancito Martinez
  • RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
  • C Rodrigo Vigil
  • 2B Iramis Olivencia
  • RHP Ayron Adames
  • SS Justin Twine
  • OF Stone Garrett
  • OF Anfernee Seymour
  • OF Isael Soto
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • LHP Mauricio Atizol
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • LHP Jose Quijada
  • SS Garvis Lara
  • 1B Yobanis Pinto
  • 2B Leisman Acosta
  • 3B Yefry Reyes

Three Bold Predictions

  • In celebration of signing his $325 million contract, Giancarlo Stanton decides to pimp out his home away from home: right field at Marlins Park. Upgrades will include ripping up the natural grass in order to lay down an expensive handwoven Persian rug, flat screens on the right field wall, and a mini-fridge down the line so Giancarlo can have his hilariously enormous bottles of champagne whenever he wants.
  • Jose Fernandez comes back, but isn’t close to the same. He now wants to be known as Giancarlo Fernandez.
  • Dee Gordon falls in love with Long John Silver’s, eats frozen fish-sticks for 60% of his meals, gains 14o pounds, and is out of baseball by July.

The Best Home Runs of the 2012 Regular Season

Before CFB existed, I did a bit of baseball writing for my own amusement. Shortly after the Giants defeated the Tigers to capture the 2012 World Series Championship, I was craving more baseball. So with the help of the incredible HitTracker, I delved into my 21 favorite home runs of the 2012 regular season. So here they are, reproduced for CFB. Enjoy.

BALL GO FAR

Giancarlo Stanton Hits A Baseball 494 Feet:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23980563&c_id=mlb

This is the first of Stanton’s multiple appearances on this list, and with good reason. The guy is a tank. He’s laughably strong, and whether you wanna credit Coors Field with the distance of this bomb, it was still the longest home run of the entire season. Something always worth watching in these home run clips is the catcher’s reaction as soon as the ball is hit. The slow-mo shot at :39 of Rockies catcher Wilin Rosario jerking his head away in disappointment is just hilarious. I also like the left fielder just hopelessly watching the ball fly into the seats. Sums up the Rockies’ season pretty well. My favorite part has to be at :11, the fan that looks legitimately angry to have not caught the ball. Dude, do you see where you’re sitting ? You’re like 50 rows up in dead center field !

Edwin Encarnacion’s Upper Upper Upper Upper Decker:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=24391923&c_id=mlb

Edwin Encarnacion showed up last year with a decent track record of major league power, but not THIS kind of power. This dinger was Edwin’s 36th of the year, and this dinger was just stupid. I’m not entirely sure if the pitcher/victim, JP Howell, fell down after the pitch (:03) in fear that his life/career might be in danger, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me. Sure, hanging 80 MPH sliders down the pipe usually get crushed, but like this ? Nah.

Nelson Cruz Is A MONSTER:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22002055&c_id=mlb

Nelson Cruz isn’t really that good of a baseball player anymore, but he can still hit the ball really freakin’ far. Before the pitch, Cruz, like most hitters in a 3-0 count, doesn’t look very interested. Most batters should, and often do take the next pitch no matter what. However, if fringy reliever Bobby Cassevah puts it on a tee for you, you should probably do what NC-17 does here. I’m extremely amused by the left fielder running back as if he even has a CHANCE at catching it. Not so much. I also love Elvis Andrus’ awkward high-five attempt with a distracted Michael Young at :40.

Cameron Maybin Apparently Has Power:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22789511&c_id=mlb&topic_id=vtp_interstate

Maybin’s power hasn’t quite developed the way some scouts envisioned, but he’s still young, and there’s still time. However, in this July contest, Maybin unleashed one of the more shockingly distant homers of the year. 3-1 count, Trevor Cahill throws an 89 MPH meatball, and Maybin does the rest. The fan that retrieves the ball at :16 is great. I noticed the left fielder started running back towards the ball and then was quickly like ohhhhhhhh nevermind around :08. Always the little things.

Nelson Cruz Punishes A Guy Named Frieri (almost a good pun):

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23548781&c_id=mlb&topic_id=vtp_interstate

Ernesto Frieri was freakishly albeit unsustainably good once traded to the Angels from San Diego, and this wasn’t even a bad pitch. 95 low and in, and Nelson golfed it WAYYYYYYYY back, like way back way back. Just demolished. At :38, Pujols is like, “Yo man, anywhere but there. Seriously.”

Justin Maxwell Does What Most People Do In Coors Field Except A Lot Farther:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21848667&c_id=mlb

Justin Maxwell can hit baseballs really far, sometimes. He can’t do much else, but any moderately compelling skill will get you a spot on the Astros. Point being, the dude can do things like this, and that’s worth something. The most astounding part of this video is the absurd number of Rockies fans in attendance for an Astros-Rockies game. Good for them, though. If you pause the video at :06, you’ll see a common sight for Rockies fans. Pitcher looking down in dismay, batter happily beginning his trot around the bases. Oh, Rockies :(

Luis Mendoza Gives Up A Home Run To Travis Hafner Because Duh:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20645461&c_id=mlb

Besides the fact that he looks like he really has to poop before he pitches, Luis Mendoza is one of those pitchers that you watch simply because you know he’s gonna give up a bomb like this. In this case, Travis Hafner just obliterates this pitch over everything in right field. I can just imagine a KC fan with seats in right, waiting for a home run ball after countless Jeff Franceour fly outs. “Oh here finally a ball that’s hit towards me yay here it comes oh no wait not that far oh man the Royals just stink :(

BJ Upton Hits A Foul Ball Over 9,000 Feet:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=25277779&c_id=mlb

The player known as Bossman hit a career high 28 homers last year, but this foul ball might actually be more impressive than any of those. I don’t really know what to say. I’m highly entertained by the fan who gets the ball at :13 and is just like “okay, so that happened” and then his buddy giving him a pat on the back. Those guys are like 200 feet up at the back of the dome !!! BJ’s facial expression at :22 is just priceless.

FUCKING LASERS

Jamie Moyer Throws A 72 MPH Fastball To Giancarlo Stanton; Hilarity Ensues:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21638519&c_id=mlb

Easily one of the more famous home runs of the 2012 season, this bomb came off of Stanton’s bat at a ridiculous 122.4 MPH. So many things to discuss, with the broken scoreboard, the fact that holy shit Jamie Moyer was still pitching, the fact that seriously what did you think was gonna happen, etc etc. I’ve watched this several dozen times now, and what I notice is the catcher at the VERY beginning. He’s looking over at the Rockies dugout, where he presumably just got the sign for what pitch the put down for Moyer. And then Moyer threw whatever the hell that was. I mean, come on. Of course 22 (!!!) year old Giancarlo Stanton was gonna hit a grand slam off of 49 (!!!) year old Jamie Moyer. Of course.

Giancarlo Stanton Hits A Cole Hamels Change-up Really, Really, Really Hard:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22718959&c_id=mlb

Cole Hamels has one of the more devastating change-ups in baseball, but this is a prime example of what can quickly go horribly wrong if you keep it over the plate to the wrong guy.

Hanley Ramirez Hits A Double To Center Field Oh Wait That Is Actually A Home Run How Did He Do That:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23109939&c_id=mlb

Hanley had quite a disappointing season with the Marlins before being traded to the Dodgers for a bag of chips and Nate Eovaldi, but this home run stands alone as the one that I genuinely still can’t comprehend how it got out of the park. Off the bat, it looks like a double, maybe even a single to the left-center field gap. But no. Oh no. This just kept going and going and going. The unsuspecting female fan shielding her face from the ball at :07 is funny, but you can’t blame her. She had three and a half seconds from the moment Hanley made contact to when that baseball was coming straight for her face. Unreal bat speed, with the vintage Hanley follow-through and leisurely trot around the bases to boot. Awesome.

Justin Upton Makes You Want To Draft Him Too High In Every Fantasy League For The Rest Of Time:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=24609089&c_id=mlb

Not too much to say here, other than that it is really difficult to hit home runs at Petco Park and Justin Upton made it look embarrassingly easy. It’s such a sweet swing. The thing that throws me off here is at :38 when the announcer says Upton “didn’t try to do too much” with the pitch. That’s a baseball phrase that usually applies to a single poked through the hole between third and short, not a 430 foot bomb to center field in the most pitcher-friendly park in baseball.

If that’s Upton “not trying to do too much”, I wonder what it looks like when he DOES try to do “too much”. Oh yeah, it’s this (BONUS CLIP aka my favorite home run of all time):

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=13723163

Justin Upton is just the best.

Adam Jones Takes #NATITUDE To A Whole New Level:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22528001&c_id=mlb

Often times when home runs are hit, you have a second or two to admire them as they head towards the seats. In this case, Jones just pulls it as hard as he possibly can and then a second later it hits the foul pole. Home run. Not much time to process what actually happened. It’s important to note where the catcher sets up for the pitch (low and away), and where the unfortunate ball actually ended up (right down the freakin’ middle). “Taking advantage of a rare mistake by Edwin Jackson”, proclaims the announcer. Yeah, no. Not so rare. This happens quite often.

Rickie Weeks Still Has Ridiculous Bat Speed Despite Hitting .230: 

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20484059&c_id=mlb

The Weeks brothers, both Rickie and Jemile, have been known to have an incredible amount of bat speed. This is a solid example, as Rickie drills one and almost kills an innocent and most likely depressed Cubs fan sitting right next to the left field foul pole. The home run is cool, sure, but the thing I noticed is how excited the fan is to have the ball at :10 … and then seeing the ball thrown back on the field at :16. It’s Wrigley tradition to throw the ball back when the homer is from another team, but in this case, the fans with the ball genuinely look happy to have caught it ! Don’t give into peer pressure ! I bet they miss that baseball. Anyway, yeah. Rickie Weeks can still do things like this.

Yoenis Cespedes Has CORE STRENGTH:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22473041&c_id=mlb

This was one of the most exciting home runs of Oakland’s confusingly epic season of walk-offs, and it’s really something. The amount of torque Cespedes produces in this swing is just crazy, and he almost ends up on one knee, much like Adrian Beltre does after the majority of his swings. When Cespedes takes his helmet off at :23, you get a solid sense that he really hasn’t done much to maintain those eyebrows at all in his 27 year existence. But that’s the way he likes them. Ain’t nobody gonna tell him otherwise.

Melky Cabrera Does Something Interesting Before Getting Suspended For Steroids Ugh Why Melky Why:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21740411&c_id=mlb

Here we have former San Francisco Giants enigma Melky Cabrera hitting a home run off of former Marlins ace Josh Johnson. Johnson actually hits his spot perfectly, but in a(nother) season of improbable Melky things, this improbable Melky thing was bound to happen. When he hits it, Melky has this brief look of “oh crap, didn’t mean to do that”, as the ball sails towards foul territory. But like most of the bombs in this category, it just kept going.

STUPID HIGH

Michael Cuddyer Hits A Pop Up To The Shortstop But Oh Wait We Are In Coors Field So It’s A Homer: 

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23428725&c_id=mlb

If there was ever a video that briefly defines the Coors Field effect, this is probably the one. Michael Cuddyer basically hits a pop fly. Everyone on the field assumes it’s a pop fly. The pitcher, Jose Arredondo, doesn’t even turn around at first. The third baseman and the shortstop actually point up as if to signal a pop fly at :02. Lucky for Cuddyer, he’s in Colorado. I’d be a huge proponent of a remix entitled “Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Post An ERA Under 5.00 With No Air” – Jordin Sparks featuring Skrillex and the entire Rockies pitching staff. Yeah, that should totally be a thing.

Asdrubal Cabrera Hits It Really High; Accidentally Produces Dinger:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21577599&c_id=mlb

Asdrubal, oh Asdrubal. Something odd that I notice about many home runs hit at Progressive Field is that the camera always pans WAY up to the point where for a second you’re like “oh my god he hit that ball 600 feet didn’t he”. This is a perfect example. If you pause the video at :05, you might think that ball is the farthest home run in the history of the world. Granted, this was indeed one of the highest hit home runs of the year with an apex of 137 feet, but Indians broadcasts do this ALL the time, and it drives me nuts. In reality, it was just over the right field wall.

Jed Lowrie Does What Most Small Scrappy White Kids Dream They Could Do At Minute Maid Park:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21187035&c_id=mlb

This one is just absolutely hysterical. Everything about it. Scrawny little Jed Lowrie golfs a shitty pitch about 320 feet into the hilariously short porch in left field at Minute Maid Park. This has to be the least impressive home run of all time and I just love it. It was even ruled a double before they reviewed it ! I’m sure the umpires saw it and were like “no no no no there is no way this should actually count as a home run… *watches replay* … damn”. It was over the fence by a few inches. Also, where else can the ball bounce off the left field wall and be fielded by the shortstop ?! The best part for me is big fat Carlos Lee rumbling around third base. This actually might be one of the funnier things I saw all year. When the ball is first hit, you can see Lee walking confidently towards third base at :03, assuming it’s a home run. When the ball caroms off the wall, Lee quickly realizes “oh shit, I should probably score”. WITH A LEAD, it took Carlos Lee 13.2 seconds to score from second base. For comparison sake, on July 15th, Reds superfreak Billy Hamilton, who broke the minor league record for stolen bases last year with 155, hit an inside-the-park home run for Double-A Pensacola. It took him 13.8 seconds to round the bases. Just hilarious.

Billy Hamilton’s inside the parker:

http://www.milb.com/multimedia/vpp.jsp?content_id=23065785&source=MILB

Miguel Cabrera Hits A Baseball While Chone Figgins Attempts To Play Left Field:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20942345&c_id=mlb

This one is much like the oppo-taco Miggy hit off Matt Cain in Game 4 of the World Series, except significantly funnier because Mariners. First, we see Chone Figgins trying his best to track this fly ball from :03 to :09, with no avail. Then you notice the pitch location on the FoxTrax at :35, which makes it look like the pitch was either going to hit him, or go behind him. It seems a bit exaggerated. Also, Hector Noesi is awful.

Todd Helton Hits A Walk-Off Home Run And Oh By The Way The Ball Was In The Air For Seven Seconds:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20631483&c_id=mlb

As a Rockies fan, this was probably the best moment of the season. It meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, but then again, none of this stuff does. It was a walk-off home run after an obnoxiously long rain delay, as evidenced by the lack of fans and messy infield. Basically, this was the highest hit ball of the 2012 season, with an unfathomable apex of 162 feet. Much like the Asdrubal homer, if you pause the video at :08, you might think the ball is actually going to leave the stadium, never to return. Sure enough, the ball landed about three feet beyond the right field fence, barely to the left of the foul pole. It had a relatively unimpressive True Distance of 366 feet, but it was by far the most exciting and dramatic hit of CLOLorado’s tragically disastrous season, and I’m glad it happened. Sidenote: I love the guy who has the ball at :20, wearing an Indians jacket (?!?!).

Josh Hamilton Hits Another Stupid Josh Hamilton Home Run:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21344977&c_id=mlb

Josh Hamilton did a lot of completely nonsensical things this year, like hitting four home runs in one game. While that was obviously more impressive, I found this one notable because of the bizarre angle at which the ball comes off the bat. When the ball leaves the screen, it looks like it’s headed towards space. Hard to fully understand it without watching it, but of course that’s the entire point of this whole thing, so watch the video ! What happens at :32 is something I began noticing in the middle of the 2011 season. It seems that whenever a Ranger hits a home run, especially at home, he returns to the dugout to an audible hyena like squeeling that I’m 97% sure is Ian Kinsler. You can hear it :38 when you see Hamilton giving an unseen teammate a high-five and just…I don’t know.

***

So there. My 22 (21) favorite home runs of the 2012 Major League Baseball regular season. I’d like to conclude this piece with my all-time favorite home run call. This was actually from the 2011 season, but it’s absolutely fantastic, and I wanted to share it. Take it away, Brandon.

Brandon Inge Hits A Walk-Off Home Run, Sends Everybody Home:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=mlb&content_id=19054689&query=game_pk%3D289074

perkins lawl

#GlenPerkinsFace

The Giancarlo Stanton Injury: A Tragedy In 21 Screenshots

1

The Calm Before the Storm (of Sadness)

Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history of baseball and he’s a marvel to watch do anything, whether it be playing baseball or simply existing on the same planet as us mortals. After a long home run drought to start the season, Stanton finally broke out over the weekend with three bombs, one of which traveled to another dimension.

On the night of April 29th, hearts were shattered across the baseball universe.

***

2

Here’s the situation: The Marlins of Miami are facing the Mets of New York. After a fierce pitching duel between two upcoming stars, the two teams battle it out on their way to extra innings in front of approximately 127 fans at the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW MARLINS BALLPARK. Stanton is facing Mets cLOLser Bobby Parnell with one out and a runner on first. Parnell throws a slider in an 0-1 count, and Stanton chops it right in front of home plate. The Marlins “fans” behind home plate look absolutely exhilarated.

3

Stanton takes off for first base. We’re used to seeing this monster hit the ball 440 feet, not 4.4 feet. His 6″6, 240 pound frame rumbles down the line. He actually looks like he might make it. A swinging bunt hit for Giancarlo? Sure, why not.

4

Mets catcher/potential NL MVP John Buck throws down to first, and Stanton is out. It’s close, but the ball is clearly there in time.

5

Oh no. The Beast clutches his right thigh. The Marlins first base coach remains intensely focused on first base for no reason. The umpire is admiring Ike Davis’ backside.

6

The collapse begins. Stanton begins his horrifying descent towards the demoralizing grass of Marlins Park. The first base coach has still yet to notice, as he turns his attention to the umpire who is still perplexed by Ike Davis’ physical features.

7

Man down. The giant lays motionless aside the foul line; his right leg upward as if to signal for help. There is no one in sight. The one Marlin fan that was watching gasps. An eerie echo is heard throughout the cavernous stadium.

8

Millions of souls across the nation clutch their keyboards, eager to see a sign of life from our wounded hero.

9

Alas, a moment of humanity. Giancarlo, head and helmet in hands, ponders what just happened.

10

Slowly but surely, Stanton, still under his own power, manages to get up on his knees.

11

He Is Risen.

12

An unidentified Marlins coach (I think?) imitates the world.

13

The broadcast decides that they haven’t tortured our souls enough. They cut to this slow-mo shot from the perspective of the right field foul pole.

14

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

15

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”

16

“I HAVE TO PEE SO BADLY”

17

“I JUST CAN’T” *falls*

18

“haha I remember Slip ‘n Slides”

19

“BUT MY HAMSTRING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

20

“there is………….no………….hope.” *smashes distraught fist into ground*

21

“why just why”

***

After the game, Giancarlo Stanton was placed on the 15-day disabled list with a strained hamstring. He should be fine.

(If you want to watch what actually happened, click here.)

(If you only have 10 seconds to watch what actually happened, click here.)