Stairway To Heaven: Oakland Coliseum’s Left Field Mystery

Oakland’s O.Co Coliseum has a reputation for being one of the worst parks in baseball. The sightlines are bad, the stands are far from the field of play, and the whole park feels outdated and just plain blech. Whenever I watch A’s games, the stairs in left field always seem to catch my eye. There’s no way they could be for football because baseball is the only sport in the world. So I always ponder about what the stairs are for, but I’ve never found the answer… until now.

Here is a closer look at the aforementioned stairs.

Theory 1: Workout Stairs

At first I thought the stairs must be for training. Players would just go out to left and run some stairs for exercise. Makes sense, right? Wrong. No team that employs Bartolo Colon would purposefully encompass a workout area into their stadium. The only way Bartolo would use these stairs would be if they looked like this:

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All The Goofy Bartolo Stuff

Recently I’ve done an unusually high amount of silly stuff having to do with everyone’s favorite fat old guy who throws balls and stuff, Bartolo Colon. This post is all that stuff in one place.

Grazing Bartolo Colon (@mark_normandin)

BARTOLO’S COLON

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#SCOUTING Through the Eyes of Microsoft

Before I begin to dissect what might be the greatest commercial in baseball internet history, I just wanted to apologize for the severe lack of content on my end here at CFB. I’ve been sorta busy but there isn’t really any excuse and I also realize it totally doesn’t matter considering most of y’all only read our stupid tweets but yeah. We’re gonna have a post early next week about what CFB is gonna be once we’re both in college and trying to get an education, but for now we’re gonna try to “produce” a few stupid things over the next few days.

ANYWAY.

A few months ago, Microsoft came out with this advertisement to promote their new tablet, the Microsoft Surface, as a legit competitor for the iPad. Here it is:

Hopefully this isn’t the first time you’ve watched it, but whatever. I’ve now watched it about 20 times and I am prepared to ask a lot of questions.

1

Okay, the scene is set. There is a left-handed pitcher throwing to a catcher while a guy who is probably his coach is out there right next to the mound watching him. There are a few other players in the outfield. This seems to be a college field or some other amateur level. If this is a game, or even pre-game warm ups, why is the coach out there at all? Okay, let’s just move on.

2

Oh god. As the catcher receives the ball, we get a glimpse of what this scene is really about. Two questionably dressed men on the left holding two different types of tablet. Oh, and a nice black gentleman in a track suit with a radar gun. Mr. Track Suit doesn’t seem to be doing anything with his radar gun readings, as his other hand is just chillin’ in his pocket. The only two spectators behind home plate seem to be washed up players who do not want to be at this game.

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Players Who Took Steroids

There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.

Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS

  • Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.

Buzz Word: HGH

  • HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.

Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension

  • When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.

Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.

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This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post

For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.

Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams

This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.

To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.

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Episode 3: I Bless Tim Raines

[audio http://traffic.libsyn.com/cespedesfamilybarbecast/barbecast-3-bless-tim-raines.mp3]

It’s the third episode of the Barbecast sponsored by Jordan’s 11 year old brother David. Our musical guest this week is unfortunately Jake on the piano again, but we improvised and came up with a fantastic melody for you all to enjoy during the breaks. The e-mails were far from plentiful but they were most definitely interesting; we talked about improved names for home runs, what the ultimate player would look like, and the most important question anyone can ask regarding Mike Trout, Bryce Harper and Giancarlo Stanton. Our special guest is Zach Mortimer (#FollowMort #SingleMortDays) from the press box in Wilmington, Delaware. We talked a bit of baseball and then Mort gave us incredibly emotional advice for our soon-to-be college lives. Baseball talk was limited because we wanted to play MVP Baseball 2004. Thanks for listening <3

iTunes link:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357?mt=2

Click here for the RSS feed

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