What Should We Rename The Indians?

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the Washington football team’s name, which is Redskins. Many believe it to be derogatory, demeaning, and altogether not a good thang. Some think its fine, like incoherent word user Dick Rick Reilly. I don’t have an opinion on that gobbledegook, but here’s how I see it: if the Redskins have to change their name, then the Indians should have to as well. It’s just as bad, if not worse.

So now that we (who is we? I never know) have decided to rename the Indians, what should we rename them? It needs to be something catchy…something cool…something that can sell tons of merchandise. With that in mind, these are my suggestions:

The Cleveland Cleavage 


  • They could become the first baseball team with cheerleaders.
  • Attendance has been down in Cleveland this year. A name change to the Cleavage would significantly boost attendance.
  • Team gear would be awesome.
  • Most Americans are particularly fond of alliteration.


  • It would be harder to sign oversized first basemen who might feel uncomfortable about the name change.
  • The team logo could be misinterpreted as “inappropriate” or “not child friendly” considering it looks like boobs.
  • It might get a little overheated and sweaty.
  • The name itself doesn’t really have anything to do with the city of Cleveland.

The Cleveland Chisenhalls


  • Cleveland’s mascot has been named after one of its best players many times. The Naps after Nap Lajoie, the Spiders after legendary shortstop Itsy-Bitsy Spider, and the Indians afterr Ghandi.
  • They could keep their current, non-racist uniform set. The C’s on the hats would stand for both Cleveland and Chisenhall.
  • Lonnie Chisenhall might finally start hitting.


  • Matt LaPorta might be extremely jealous and the quality of his play might dip as a result.
  • It’s basically the worst logo ever.

The Cleveland Calfs 

Screen Shot 2013-09-23 at 9.23.57 PM


  • Tons of other professional sports teams are named after un-intimidating farm animals. Just look at the Colts, the Broncos, and the Devil Rays.
  • The annual “bring your cow to work day” would be a blast for the kids.
  • Justin Masterson has always sort of looked like a cow to me…


  • It sounds a little bit too much like another sports team in Cleveland.

The Cleveland Pakistanis


  • The new green and white color scheme would be hella snazzy.
  • This mascot wouldn’t be offensive as much as it would be extremely random and unspecific. But hey, not racist!
  • The name could culturally educate many of the players who never took World History or read a newspaper.
  • It’s better than the “Browns”.


  • Fans loyal to the Indians mascot might get into fights with Pakistani fans which could rip Cleveland apart at its core.
  • The team might be harboring Osama Bin Laden somewhere in the clubhouse.


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