Episode 7: Tuscaloosa Loose Cabooses

It’s here a week after we recorded it but fuck it, we’re in college and have other things to do besides edit podcasts! It’s Barbecast 7 with emergency special guest Chris Rodriguez of Baseball Prospectus. He is barely legal and you can follow him at @chrisrod13 (#FollowCrod). We talked about shitty California League parks and other things almost baseball.  Our e-mails obviously included Andrelton and Big Poop. Just your average Barbecast. Oh and for about three minutes we all thought there was a minor league team in Tuscaloosa. We talked about other stuff but I don’t remember what it was because it was a week ago. Enjoy! #CFB

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#RIG Rankings, Number 5: Aroldis Chapman


#rig is more than just a metric or a scouting term or a joke. It’s way of life. It’s everything and nothing at the same time. Our dad Jason Parks described #rig as “#swagger only more penis specific.” We want to take his perfect idea and perfect it, which doesn’t make sense at all.

Coming in at number 5 on our rig rankings is Cincinnati Reds relief pitcher Aroldis Chapman. With a schlong like kong, he patrols the pitcher’s hump like a man on a mission, but not a Morman mission, a more-man mission.

Photo Evidence:

  • Take a closer look at the pictures below and you can see how baseball pants don’t do their job as much as they assist the #rig to explode and explore. Good thing the Cuban national team wore tight red pants. Chapman loses points for how hard I had to look to get these shots. If I google your name, pictures of your wang shebang should be right there waiting for me.
  • #RIGrade: 60

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  •  Aroldis did this:

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Fandom Is Dumb But I Am Sad

I sit here at my computer with a sinking feeling in my stomach. All the people close to me are healthy, I haven’t committed any felonies (yet), and I didn’t eat any bad seafood today. My stomach isn’t turning over for any rational reason. You see I’m a Baltimore Orioles fan, which is a disorder that causes upset tummies, uncontrollable headaches, and sore throats. My Orioles, yes my Orioles, just lost a heart breaker to the Yankees. I shouldn’t give a crap, I shouldn’t want to smash the walls and scream until my voice gives out, but I do and I don’t want to apologize for that.

It all started September 5th, 1995, the day that Cal Ripken Jr. tied Lou Gehrig’s record for consecutive games played. September 5th 1995 was also the day I was born. My grandmother, a life-long Baltimorean, decided that my mother’s 18 hours of labor were of secondary importance to what was going on at Camden Yards. “I already have grandchildren” she said to my mother as she left the hospital room “And I’ll have more, but I’ll never see this again.” She came to the conclusion that the birth of her daughter’s first child was less important than watching a celebration of man who simply went to work everyday. She chose a game over my birth, and guess what; I would have done the same god damned thing.

Fandom is stupid. Fandom is completely and utterly irrational. Thousands of people cram themselves into crowded stadiums on sweaty summer nights to watch men they’ll never know play a game they’ll never fully understand. They’ll come out in droves night after night, day after day, and weird 7:07 Blue Jays start time after weird 7:07 Blue Jays start time. Fandom has existed for centuries before I was born and will exist centuries after I die. People ask; what’s the point? I have no idea.

I don’t know why I care so much about something so trivial. I’m not sure why a 21 year old’s inability to hit a white thing with a stick makes my insides topple like an avalanche. I don’t know the answer to these things, but I don’t think I have to.

I’ve formulated this entire piece around a conclusion at the end that eloquently explains why I’ve submitted to fandom. The only problem is that I don’t have a reason. I don’t have any funny metaphors or cute world play to throw at you. I thought I might, but I don’t. I can’t put into words why millions of people around the world live and die by their teams. I’m not able to formulate any coherent reasons for you at this moment in time. I’m not going to go back and edit this because I don’t particularly want to. I know this whole rant was supposed to end cleverly as I explained to you how fandom isn’t nuts. It was supposed to end with a witty line where I pulled it all back to my grandmother. Maybe I’m not a good enough writer to write this piece. Maybe I’m naïve and when I get older I’ll grow up and understand that fandom is idiotic. Maybe fandom is something that is better left unexplained.

Over-analyzing Gerald Laird’s Chest

Yesterday Braves person Elliot Johnson tweeted a picture of two sets of abdominals. He asked Twitter to determine which midsection stood above the other. One set was impressively ripped and chiseled even though it belonged to the seemingly pudgy Dan Uggla. The other set was Gerald Laird. Laird is the backup catcher for the #BARVES and his midsection looks exactly like you think it would.

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This is a stereotypical back up catcher body. You have a protective layer of pudge surrounding everything to protect the innards from harm and baseballs. But beneath the pudge layer and before the innards layer, you find a layer of muscle. If you look closely you can see the lines of his six pac struggling to break free of the pudge layer, but sadly it never will. Gerald Laird has a fantastically strong core, but you’ll never be able to see that because the muscle is forever trapped beneath the layer of pudge.

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#Rig Rankings, Part 1: The #RIGtroduction


#rig is more than just a metric or a scouting term or a joke. It’s way of life. It’s everything and nothing at the same time. Our dad Jason Parks described #rig as “#swagger only more penis specific.” We want to take his perfect idea and perfect it, which doesn’t make sense at all.

Over the course of the next couple weeks, The Cespedes Family Barbecue will undergo a journey of sorts. We will sift through the hundreds of baseballers currently baseballing to determine which one has the most #rig. You’ve read all about sabermetrics. Now prepare for some sabRIGmetrics and some analysRIG and stuff.

The ranking process will be made up of categories three:

Photo Evidence

  • Are there photos of this player that visually displays his #rig to the baseball world? Evidence is a enormous part of the #rig evaluation process and must not be taken lightly.


  • Does the player know he has #rig? Does he strut around with the #rig all out and about? When he walks in the room, does the whole room know that the #rig has entered the premises?

On Field #RIG

  • Does the player display #rig on the field? Does his #rig play in games? Can I go to a game and appreciate his #rig in person?

We hope you enjoy the show.