Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Dontrelle, Shelton, and Perry write-ups are courtesy of Matt Sussman, our most recent special guest on the Barbecast. He is funny and you should like him. Follow him on Twitter @suss2hyphens.
Thompson and Thames write-ups are courtesy of Jordan Gorosh, our good friend over at TigersProspectReport. Go follow him too if you like hearing about what Eugenio Suarez is up to.
System Quote: “You know, tigers are very unpredictable.”
Tigers Top Ten:
- Dontrelle Willis
- Dmitri Young
- Justin Thompson
- Joel Zumaya
- Chris Shelton
- Kenny Rogers
- Travis Fryman
- Ryan Perry
- Marcus Thames
Current Status: Owned by Jake
Website: Jake’s drawers
Price: One million pesos
eBay Description: “Very good shape”
The Tools: 7 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; questionable price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ended his brief retirement to sign minor-league contracts with the Cubs and Angels, with the Long Island Ducks in between. He still walks many batters.
Strengths: Great nickname (D-Train), great leg kick (D-Train Kick), was once a 22-game winner and the Rookie of the Year.
Weaknesses: Large amounts of cash causes him to break out in hives.
Overall Future Potential: 7; the potential of wearing a Dontrelle Willis original can be a positive experience. You can tell strangers “I saw one of his two Tigers wins in person.” (I did, but I do not have this shirt.) If the anecdote is successfully turned, you will become the life of the party that you most certainly crashed.
Realistic Role: 6; you can cut two additional holes into the shirt and make a dog shirt. A Dogtrelle Willis shirt.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Given that Willis’ DL trips in Detroit were officially because of “anxiety disorder,” that really makes this a melancholy shirt. It’s sad when a pitcher is sad and doesn’t pitch well, because preferably our pitchers have control issues grounded in funnier reasons, such as rattled by the core concept of “The Human Centipede,” or distracted by the pitching coach’s mustache or flatulence.
The Year Ahead: Quite possibly another spring training invite, because he’s Dontrelle freaking Willis and you’re not. Kick that leg to the skies.
Wardrobe ETA: 2018,
on his second comeback attempt with the Tigers.
Current Status: Available for purchase
eBay Description: “Detroit Tigers #4 Four Horseman T-Shirt Jersey Sz XXL”
The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: His lower, horse-ier half began to deteriorate, but his upper, more human side continued to grow ever so stronger.
Strengths: Custom shirseys that make their way onto the glorious utopia that is the eBay marketplace always sport at least plus-plus derp. Hopefully this belonged to a Tigers fan who wore a horse’s head to every game.
Weaknesses: Someone might take your name too literally and find a way to chop off your head. The number 4 on the back raises serious questions about whether there are three other horsemen running around. Previous owner may have been murdered and placed in someone’s bed, Karthoum style.
Overall Future Potential: Low 6; the elite derp offers a legit ceiling.
Realistic Role: 4; too many questions from your friends.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; dependent on both horse and man.
The Year Ahead: Will do man things. Will do horse things as well.
Wardrobe ETA: When the horseman cometh.