System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”
Cubs Top Ten:
- Kerry Wood Tank Top
- Green Samardzija
- Mike Quade
- Neon Starlin
- Mark Prior
- Tony Campana
- Carlos Marmol
- Sammy Sosa
- Bryan LaHair
- Ryan Theriot
Current Status: Available for purchase
eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.
Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.
Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.
Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.
Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.
The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.
Current Status: No longer available
Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.
Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.
Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.
Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.
Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.
The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.
Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.