Cube Eyes (plus Javier Baez)

Off-season Haiku:

Low-risk, high reward?

Yeah, okay, Jason Hammel.

Where is Tanaka?

Best Names in the Farm System:

• RHP Trey McNutt
• C Chadd Krist
• C Yaniel Cabezas
• OF Zeke DeVoss
• OF Bijan Rademacher
• 2B Gioskar Amaya
• SS Guiseppe Papaccio
• DH Rock Shoulders
• OF Reggie Golden
• RHP Jasvir Rakkar
• C Cael Brockmeyer
• OF Yasiel Balaguert
• OF Charcer Burks
• SS Varonex Cuevas
• 1B Roney Alcala
• OF Jenner Emeterio
• RHP Adbert Alzolay
• RHP Harrinson Bermudez
• RHP Greyfer Eregua
• LHP Yapson Gomez
• RHP Brohiglyn Rivero
• OF Shamil Ubiera
• SS Frandy Delarosa
• RHP Enderson Mercedes
• 3B Wladimir Galindo
• SS Gleyber Torres

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

• Clark the Cub starts the season in center field before being suspended for  being PED (Particularly Extremely Disturbing)
• Instead of calling up Javier Baez to play shortstop, the Cubs will use his immense bat speed as a new form of energy to power all of Starlin Castro’s favorite electronic devices.
• Anthony Rizzo will call for a press conference to formally announce he has Sinistrophobia. Everyone will be like, “duh”.
• After months of intense negotiations, the Cubes will sign Welington Castillo to a team-friendly contract extension. They will convince him by giving him a full no-trade clause and the letter L that’s been missing from his first name for all these years.
• Darwin Barney will crush DiMaggio’s record and hit safely in 74 consecutive games from June to August. 98% of his hits will be infield singles.