Rethinking the Home Run Derby

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For reasons that we simply cannot understand, many people dislike the Home Run Derby. For obvious reasons, we here at the Cespedes Family Barbecue absolutely adore the Derby. Nothing gets the people going like a dinger, and nothing provides the viewing public with more dingers than the Home Run Derby. Fans complain that there aren’t enough home runs in baseball, and then Bud Selig gives you a night that is literally only home runs and you don’t want it? Please. Sit down and listen to my wisdom.

There are problems with the Derby. Firstly it goes on way too long. As much as I love dingers, there are other things I’d rather do than watch Justin Morneau take his 13th pitch in a row…but maybe that’s just me. The second problem is that there’s no intensity at all. There’s very little passion, which is a disgrace because that’s what over-the-fence-balls are all about.

First of all, why are players still using wood bats? Wood bats sound great and keep Major League baseball relatively fair, but this is the Home Run Derby, so fuck fair. Give all the hitters the old BESR metals bats that they used to have in college and you’ll see some baseballs go 600 feet. Sure, some of the kids in the outfield might have to be carted off the field unconscious, but they’ll have fallen for a noble cause.

So now I ask you, blog reader, what is the only thing people love more than dingers? Did you say extremely fervent patriotism? Well, you’re right. Watch me fix the derby.

Instead of splitting the teams up by AL and NL, do it by country. Yeah, you heard me. Countries. I’m talking TeamUSA, TeamCUBA, TeamVENEZUELA, and TeamDR. MLB swags each team out in custom unis that are basically the country’s flag screen printed across the entire body. Make Cuba-themed wristbands, Venezuela batting gloves, and USA hats, and you can sleep in the ca$h.

TEAM CUBA: Yasiel Puig and Yoenis Cespedes

TEAM USA: Giancarlo Stanton and Bryce Harper

TEAM DOMINICAN: Robinson Cano and Edwin Encarnacion

TEAM VENEZUELA:  Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Gonzalez

The recent popularity of the World Cup in the US has very little to do with soccer and a whole lot to do with nationalism. Americans like soccer, but Americans really, really love America. A night full of dingers, flags, Cubans, bat flips, and more dingers? Who says no to that…

One comment on “Rethinking the Home Run Derby

  1. Bryz says:

    In 2005, MLB did try doing it by countries, but it only lasted one season. The players and countries represented were…

    Canada – Jason Bay
    USA – Mark Teixeira
    Dominican – David Ortiz
    Curacao – Andruw Jones
    Puerto Rico – Ivan Rodriguez
    Venezuela – Bobby Abreu
    Panama – Carlos Lee
    Korea – Hee-Seop Choi

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