2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Houston Astros

Altuve, Jose

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

2B: Who’s Say I’ll Toupee

3B: Loose Valve Boner

DH: Evangelist

1B: Car Hiss Car Tour

RF: Chore Just Printer

CF: Cold Beer Isthmus

SS: Shed Lorry

C: Chasing Astro

LF: Sheik Marries Nick

SP: Dale Ass Kicker

SP: Scat Peeled Man

SP: Calling Me You

SP: Brie Toe Burrows Her

SP: Hand Toe Knee Ass

Off-season Haiku

Just when you thought they

couldn’t strike out any more,

Rasmus and Gattis!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
George Springer off Aaron Harang – 465 feet

Tal’s Hill in at Minute Maid Park remains one of the most underratedly ridiculous things in all of baseball. To hit a ball anywhere near it takes serious raw strength; to hit a ball over it, and opposite-field, is completely insane. My personal favorite Tal’s Hill dinger is this one from Justin Upton back in 2010.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Chris Carter off Hisashi Iwakuma – 342 feet

We love Chris Carter here at the BBQ, and we were lucky enough to interview him when we were down in Houston last summer. He’s a soft spoken dude, but he can mash taters with the best of them. This tater just happened to be the least-mashed of the Astros’ 2014 campaign.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • SS Jiovanni Mier
  • LHP Colton Cain
  • 1B M.P. Cokinos
  • OF Teoscar Hernandez
  • LHP Chris Cotton
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • RHP Murilo Gouvea
  • LHP Evan Grills
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • SS Chan Moon
  • RHP Keegan Yuhl
  • C Brett Booth
  • OF Brauly Mejia
  • C Ricky Gingras
  • SS Mott Hyde
  • 2B Kristian Trompiz
  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • RHP Dean Deetz
  • RHP Brock Dykxhoorn
  • LHP Reymin Guduan
  • LHP Austin Nicely
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • LHP Yhoan Acosta
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • LHP Cristhopher Santamaria
  • RHP Joselo Pinales
  • 2B Frankeny Fernandez
  • 1B Dexture McCall
  • 2B Arturo Michelena
  • RHP Diogenes Almengo
  • RHP Gerald Benzant
  • RHP Hansel Paulino
  • RHP Abdiel Saldana
  • RHP Starlyn Taveras
  • C Ihan Bernal
  • C Hayden Timberlake
  • 3B Reiny Beltre
  • 3B Anardo Peralta
  • RHP Lachlan Madden
  • 3B Wander Franco

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Collin McHugh struggles to balance an increased workload with his second job as a bartender/loan shark in South Boston. Side note: Only 20% of the current Astros roster has ever heard of Collin McHugh… more like Collin McWho AMIRITE?!?!?!
  2. We finally figure out that Jose Altuve isn’t short…we’re just tall.
  3. Jed Lowrie’s return to Houston gets just as much, if not more publicity than LeBron’s return to Cleveland. Kids all across Houston begin to rock Lowrie’s signature double-ear flap batting helmet.
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