2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Atlanta Braves

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

RF: Knee Kumar Khakis

CF: Beach Uptown

1B: Free Die Free Mine

3B: Wrist Dongs On

LF: Journey Germs

SS: Handrail Towns Samoans

2B: Al Burr Coca Lasso

C: Christ Tanned, Bet In Court

SP: Who Load Iran

SP: Micah Manor

SP: Helix Would

SP: Chill Beam Elk Hurt

SP: One Dear Hog Reese’s

Off-season Haiku

Made a bunch of trades,

Completely restocked the farm,

But why? Why now? #BARVES

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Justin Upton off Jenrry Mejia – 477 feet

“uh oh”

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Evan Gattis off Cliff Lee – 343 feet

This is exactly the kind of home run Evan Gattis will continue to enjoy now that he plays in Minute Maid Park. This dinger also features the essential aspect of a Bad Home Run: the awkward pause as the batter rounds second base as if to say, “wait…was that a home run?”

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
  • LHP Leyson Septimo
  • RHP Kanekoa Texeira
  • OF Kyeong Kang
  • C Braeden Schlehuber
  • 2B Barrett Kleinknecht
  • OF Mycal Jones
  • C Yenier Bello
  • SS Emerson Landoni
  • OF Mallex Smith
  • C Sal Giardina
  • 2B Gerald Chin
  • RHP Ignacio Geronimo
  • LHP Oriel Caicedo
  • SS Ozhaino Albies
  • 1B Mike Dodig
  • 2B Yeudi Grullon
  • 2B Omar Obregon
  • OF Fernelys Sanchez
  • RHP Caleb Beech
  • RHP Dakota Dill
  • LHP Felix Falcon
  • RHP Reymi Ruiz
  • RHP Aldo Silva
  • SS Ray-Patrick Didder
  • 3B Franklin Azuaje
  • RHP Jesus Jones
  • RHP Jason Laguna
  • RHP Evertz Orozco
  • RHP Yeralf Torres
  • C Ruddy Todd
  • 3B Jeyson Cabrera
  • 2B Mattia Mercuri
  • OF Ledernin Tejada
  • OF Reangelo Willems

Three Bold Predictions

  • This is the year Jason Heyward finally puts it all together and finishes that awesome mansion he’s been building in Cobb County.
  • DFA’d halfway through the season after his horrid hitting continues, B.J. Upton reunites with his stupendously successful sister and signs a 5-year advertising contract with Game of War.
  • Braves finally agree to refer to Barry Bonds as “The True Home Run King.” As a result, the skies open, fire rains down upon the people of earth, and the apocalypse commences.

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