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CF: Text Turf Owl
SS: Stir Link Ass Troll
1B: Anne Toner Is Hoe
RF: Whore Hazer Lair
C: McElm Aunt Terror
3B: Cur Surprise Ant
2B: Coffee Arab Eyes
LF: Harry Cement He Elk Hand Torah
SP: Jawless Turd
SP: Shea Carry Header
SP: Shea Sean Mammal
SP: Caulk N. Drinks
SP: Soup Yoshi Water
Off-season Haiku
The World Series champs!
Step aside, Sir Barry Bonds;
Kris Bryant is here.
Farthest Home Run of 2014
Anthony Rizzo off Ryan Vogelsong – 466 feet
Besides Colby Rasmus, no one crowds the plate quite like Anthony Rizzo. Vogelsong tried to run a change-up away from Rizzo here and just nope nope nope shouldn’t have done that.
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Luis Valbuena off Billy Buckner – 345 feet
This was the only game Billy Buckner pitched in last year.
Best Names in the Farm System
- RHP Yoanner Negrin
- RHP Donn Roach
- RHP Trey McNutt
- 2B Stephen Bruno
- LHP Rob Zastryzny
- 2B Gioskar Amaya
- OF Bijan Rademacher
- RHP Daury Torrez
- C Cael Brockmeyer
- 2B Chesny Young
- 3B Jeimer Candelario
- OF Yasiel Balaguert
- SS Gleyber Torres
- OF Charcer Burks
- RHP Adbert Alzolay
- LHP Andin Diaz
- RHP Greyfer Eregua
- 3B Varonex Cuevas
- OF Eloy Jimenez
- OF Shamil Ubiera
- 3B Adonis Paula
- RHP Assael Aquino
- RHP Erling M0reno
- RHP Andri Rondon
- RHP Aneuris Rosario
- RHP Deibi Torres
- C Martin Hodwalker
- SS Frandy Delarosa
- OF Jenner Emeterio
- RHP Harrinson Bermudez
- RHP Alfredo Colorado
- LHP Yapson Gomez
- LHP Eugenio Palma
- RHP Mauro Vides
- C Roberto Vahlis
- 3B Wladimir Galindo
- SS Andruw Monasterio
- 2B Henrry Pedra
- OF Moises Colasante
- OF Fidel Matos
Three Bold Predictions
- Javier Baez is sent back to Triple-A after he begins swinging at pitches when he isn’t even batting, endangering his teammates in the dugout.
- Jon Lester collects his first career base hit on Opening Night against St. Louis, demolishing a 102 MPH Trevor Rosenthal fastball onto Waveland Avenue for the vaunted walk-off dinger-complete game shutout combo. It will be his only hit of 2015.
- After realizing they are out of the playoff hunt come August, the Cubs keep their World Series hopes alive by attempting to compete in the Little League World Series. Despite a six home run game from Tommy La Stella and a dominating performance on the mound from Travis Wood, they lose to Jackie Robinson West in the regional championship on a walk-off wild pitch from Pedro Strop.
