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Projected Lineup

CF: Aged Potluck

3B: Arrow Nail

1B: Bull Cold Shipped

LF: March Rambo

RF: Ass Money Dome Ass

SS: Cry Sewings

2B: Clip Ending Town

C: Tough Ego Switch

SP: Chair Me Licks Own

SP: Tremor Kale

SP: Vital Noon Yo

SP: Jay Sanderson

SP: Are Sheep Rally

Off-season Haiku

Hellickson is here?

Plus, Yas-many Yas-problems.

Where’d all the grit go?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Paul Goldschmidt off Troy Patton – 470 feet

This was the tied for the 6th longest dinger in all of baseball in 2014. Aesthetically, homers to center at Chase Field are both hurt and helped by the giant scoreboard; it seems ridiculous that anyone could hit it up there, but it’s also impossible to judge how far the ball would have gone relative to a normal center field fence. Either way, this one from Goldschmidt is pretty comfortably in the holy crap range.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Paul Goldschmidt off Tim Lincecum – 340 feet

This was Goldy’s seventh home run off Lincecum in his career, which is patently absurd. Jeff Sullivan wrote a great piece about this lopsided match-up last April.

Best Names in the Farm System

• RHP Caleb Clay
• OF Nick Buss
• RHP R.J. Hively
• 2B Gerson Montilla
• OF Carlo Testa
• LHP Jose Jose
• RHP Johnny Shuttlesworth
• C Jose Queliz
• OF Breland Almadova
• OF Socrates Brito
• RHP Silvino Bracho
• RHP Bud Jeter
• RHP Nickolas Sarianides
• 3B Fidel Pena
• OF Chuck Taylor
• C Stryker Trahan
• SS Steve Nyisztor
• 3B Galli Cribbs
• OF Stewart Ijames
• RHP Yefrey Ramirez
• RHP Jency Solis
• RHP Touki Toussaint
• 2B Fernery Ozuna
• 2B Antonio Sepulveda
• OF Maik Ehmcke
• LHP Anfernee Benitez
• RHP Holden Helmink
• RHP Merkis Montero
• RHP Scooter Price
• RHP Rodrigo Takahashi
• 3B Vicson Graciano
• SS Isan Diaz
• RHP Wellinton Felix
• RHP Erbert Gonzalez
• RHP Argeny Hiciano
• RHP Yeison Santana
• C Jacer Mendez
• C Adony Ovalles
• 2B Didimo Bracho
• 2B Josue Herrera
• 1B Gerson Jimenez
• SS Melvin Mezquita

Three Bold Predictions

1. After battling it out all spring with [whoever Arizona’s other catcher is…] Tuffy Gosewisch seizes the starting job and proves he’s not just a guy named Tuffy Gosewisch. He’s so much more. He hits 54 home runs, matching his career total to this point.
2. Bronson Arroyo returns from Tommy John Surgery faster than anyone in history when he decides he’s just gonna be a left-handed pitcher instead.
3. With the #1 pick in the 2015 MLB Draft, the Diamondbacks select GRITS, the Christian rap group.