2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Miami Marlins

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

2B: Dig Or Down

LF: Cries Tunnel Itch

RF: Junk Harlots Tanking

1B: My Shell Mouse

CF: Morsel Ozone

3B: More Temp Hardo

C: Chair Heads A Turtle My Kia

SS: Aid O’Niece Have Area

SP: O’Safe Or Andes

SP: Mettle A Toast

SP: Hand Her Son All Bores

SP: Shared Coke Shart

SP: Dang A Rang

Off-season Haiku

Giancarlo got PAID.

Latos, Dee Gordon, Mike Morse,

They signed Ichiro!!!!!11!1!!!!!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Giancarlo Stanton off Eric Stults – 484 feet

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Garrett Jones off Gonzalez Germen – 352 feet

And to think, Garrett Jones is about to play 81 games at Yankee Stadium. The lame RF home runs have only just begun!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Lay Batista
  • 3B Terrence Dayleg
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • C Chadd Krist
  • C Sharif Othman
  • SS Yosmany Guerra
  • OF Jesus Solorzano
  • RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
  • LHP Stone Speer
  • C Chris Hoo
  • 3B Rehiner Cordova
  • 3B J.T. Riddle
  • OF Yefri Perez
  • RHP Juancito Martinez
  • RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
  • C Rodrigo Vigil
  • 2B Iramis Olivencia
  • RHP Ayron Adames
  • SS Justin Twine
  • OF Stone Garrett
  • OF Anfernee Seymour
  • OF Isael Soto
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • LHP Mauricio Atizol
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • LHP Jose Quijada
  • SS Garvis Lara
  • 1B Yobanis Pinto
  • 2B Leisman Acosta
  • 3B Yefry Reyes

Three Bold Predictions

  • In celebration of signing his $325 million contract, Giancarlo Stanton decides to pimp out his home away from home: right field at Marlins Park. Upgrades will include ripping up the natural grass in order to lay down an expensive handwoven Persian rug, flat screens on the right field wall, and a mini-fridge down the line so Giancarlo can have his hilariously enormous bottles of champagne whenever he wants.
  • Jose Fernandez comes back, but isn’t close to the same. He now wants to be known as Giancarlo Fernandez.
  • Dee Gordon falls in love with Long John Silver’s, eats frozen fish-sticks for 60% of his meals, gains 14o pounds, and is out of baseball by July.
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