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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Leap Lake Man

RF: Car Lost Gun Soles

SS: Trout Who Lauren Ski

1B: Trusting Borneo

3B: No Lanyard Hey Nando

LF: Corny Tick Carton

C: Whaling Row Sorry Hoe

2B: Teach A Lame Hay Hue

SP: Whore Aiding La-Toaster

SP: Shoeless Chasing

SP: Caulk Header Ink

SP: Gourd and Liars

SP: Dialer Matchstick

Off-season Haiku

ARE THEY FINALLY

GONNA TRADE TULOWITZKI?

No. Of course not. Stop.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Mike Minor – 468 feet

This homer made it 10-6 in the fourth inning. #Coors4Ever

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brandon Barnes off Sergio Romo – 304 feet

This was easily one of the craziest plays of the entire 2014 season, and a healthy reminder that Brandon Barnes had over 300 plate appearances for the Rockies last year.

Shortest Actual Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Cole Hamels – 351 feet

Rosario has his fair share of flaws as a baseball player, particularly defensively: he’s lead the league in passed balls for each of the past three years. However, hitting baseballs over the fence is not a problem for Mr. Rosario.

Best Names in the Farm System

• LHP Buddy Boshers
• 2B Angelys Nina
• RHP Nate Striz
• 3B Jayson Langfels
• SS Trevor Story
• RHP Huascar Brazoban
• RHP Rayan Gonzalez
• RHP Alving Mejias
• C Abel Baker
• OF Kyle Von Tungeln
• 3B Dean Espy
• RHP Johendi Jiminian
• RHP Matt Pierpont
• C Ashley Graeter
• C Cambric Moye
• SS Emerson Jimenez
• 1B Correlle Prime
• OF Raimel Tapia
• RHP Eric Nedeljkovic
• RHP Joel Payamps
• LHP Helmis Rodriguez
• RHP Grahamm Wiest
• RHP Chad Zurat
• 2B Sam Bumpers
• OF Denzel Richardson
• OF Marcos Derkes
• LHP Yoely Bello
• RHP Gavin Glanz
• C Hamlet Marte
• 2B Forrest Wall
• OF Omar Carrizales
• LHP Breiling Eusebio
• RHP Salvador Justo
• RHP Lorenz Ozuna
• RHP Yohander Quintana
• RHP Alejandro Requena
• RHP Ismael Viloria
• C Hidekel Gonzalez
• C Wilkyns Jimenez

Three Bold Predictions

• Charlie Blackmon and Corey Dickerson morph into one amorphous blob named Charcor Blackdick.
• After months of research, scientists discover that the only way to keep the ball from flying so far at Coors Field is to hot-box the entire stadium. Coors Field instantly boasts the highest attendance in the National League.
•  Troy Tulowitzki is playing for the Denver Nuggets by August.