2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Francisco Giants

Mar31 by jakemintz

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Anal Pidgin

LF: Norway Checker Hay Yo Key

C: Puss Tarp Hussy

1B: Brown Down Bout

RF: Underpants

2B: Shop Hand Ink

3B: KCMG

SS: Bland Haunt Rockford

SP: Maidstone Butt Corner

SP: Timid Son

SP: Make Gang

SP: Jacob Eevee

SP: Dim Lint Scone

Off-season Haiku

Even year champions!

Bumgarner is famous now

The Panda left you.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Michael Morse off Tyler Chatwood – 458 feet
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How many teams’ farthest home runs of 2014 have been to the opposite field? Still Coors, tho.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Brandon Belt off Bartolo Colon – 337 feet
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The fact that they had time to change the camera angle before the ball landed shows how much hangtime this hilarious dinger had.
Best Names in the Farm System

RHP Mike Broadway
RHP Austin Fleet
LHP Braulio Lara
C Myles Schroder
C Eliezer Zambrano
3B Reegie Corona
2B Skyler Stromsmoe
3B Kelby Tomlinson
LHP Keurin Feliz
RHP Nick Vander Tuig
SS Ydwin Villegas
OF Chuckie Jones
RHP Keury Mella
LHP Andrew Leenhouts
3B Ryder Jones
1B Skyler Ewing
SS Travious Relaford
OF Joneshway Fargas
OF Shilo McCall
RHP Rayan Hernandez
RHP Rodolfo Martinez
RHP Kendry Melo
RHP Nolan Riggs
C Kleiber Rivas
2B Christian Lichtenthaler
LHP Deiyerbert Bolivar
RHP Jonathan Loaisiga
RHP Olbis Parra
LHP Prebito Reyes
RHP Reymi Rodriguez
RHP Raffi Vizcaino
RHP Weilly Yan
RHP Eduin Villa
C Mecky Coronado
C Alilzon Rodriguez
3B Hengerber Medina
OF Stanly German
OF Yendrys Gonzalez
DH Raiby Barias

Three Bold Predictions

Knowing that no matter what they have no chance to win the World Series this year but that they will most certainly win it next year, the Giants trade away all their good players for prospects, cash, and Barry Bonds bobbleheads.
After injuries to Pence, Belt, and Casey McGehee, the Giants resign a 50-year old Bonds to play 1B. Bonds slashes .248/.489/.567.
Joe Panik does just that.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

Mar30 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: My Carp Enter

RF: Geese Sauna Ward

LF: May Taller Day

1B: Might Add Hems

SS: Chaw Nipple Alter

C: Yawn Dire Mole Cleaner

2B: Cold Hen Wrong

CF: Sanjay

SP: Dad The Main Right

SP: Land Sling

SP: Jaw Nail Achey

SP: Mic Quinoa Ca-caw

SP: Careless Martinis

Off-season Haiku

Shelby for Jason.

That’s all I can remember.

Rest in peace, Oscar.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Randal Grichuk off Ryan Dennick – 449 feet
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You probably thought that Matt Holliday bomb was the farthest Cardinals dinger of the year, but Grichuk’s homer actually edged that one out by a few feet, according to HitTracker.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Oscar Taveras off Odrisamer Despaigne – 355 feet
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One hell of a swing. He will be missed.

Best Names in the Farm System

LHP Jonathan Cornelius
RHP Jordan Swagerty
C Travis Tartamella
2B Breyvic Valera
3B Patrick Wisdom
OF Nick Martini
RHP Pedro Echemendia
RHP Silfredo Garcia
RHP Dixon Llorens
LHP Iden Nazario
C Dante Rosenberg
C Gerwuins Velazco
3B Ildemaro Vargas
RHP Kyle Barraclough
C Steve Bean
3B Ronnierd Garcia
2B Richy Pedroza
1B Justin Ringo
OF Rowan Wick
LHP Dewin Perez
RHP Daniel Poncedeleon
SS Leobaldo Pina
SS Robelys Reyes
OF Kenny Peoples-Walls
RHP Jery Then
RHP Dailyn Martinez
1B Jesus Ustariz
OF Bladimil Franco
OF Magneuris Sierra
RHP Silas Bohannan
RHP Frederis Parra
2B Malik Collymore
OF DeAndre Asbury-Heath
RHP Sandy Alcantara
RHP Franyel Casadilla
RHP Will Changarotty
RHP Oneiver Diaz
RHP Junior Fernandez
2B Wadye Ynfante

Three Bold Predictions

After misreading the giant “Big Mac Land” sign in left field as “Big Mark Land”, Mark Reynolds is so motivated to succeed that he develops a Bonds-like approach at the plate and posts a .951 OPS with 47 home runs, 37 to Big Mark Land.
As the newest Matt on the team, reliever Matt Belisle is forced to change his his first name. Jhonny Peralta suggests “Mhatt”, and it sticks. Mhatt Belisle has a stellar year, with career hhighs in strikehouts and hholds.
John Lackey struggles mightily in the first half of the season and loses his rotation spot to young lefty Marco Gonzales, prompting this exchange:

Mike Matheny: John, we can’t afford to throw you out there every fifth day. We’re putting you in the pen.

John Lackey:

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Washington Nationals

Mar27 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Dinners Plan

3B: Anchor Neon Dome

RF: Chasing Wharf

LF: Bright Sharper

1B: Rains Merman

SS: Yawned Despot

C: Whale Sewn Raw Most

2B: You Knee Hellas Cobra

P: Steep Panned Straws Burned

P: Masked Shirts Hurt

P: Gorge Ants Him Or Mine

P: Gorgonzolas

P: DOG FISTER

Off-season Haiku

Who needs more hitting?

Give Max Scherzer all the cash!

Didn’t do much else.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Ian Desmond off Ernesto Frieri – 462 feet
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Frieri is perhaps the best example of what can go wrong if your upper-90’s fastball lacks any sort of life. He gives up bombs like this ALL DA TIME.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Adam LaRoche off A.J. Burnett – 336 feet
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This absurd home run had like a seven-second hang time.
Best Names in the Farm System

1B Kila Ka’aihue
OF Mark Minicozzi
RHP Derek Self
C Spencer Kieboom
C Andruth Ramirez
2B Cutter Dykstra
OF Delta Cleary Jr.
RHP Dakota Bacus
LHP Kylin Turnbull
3B Khayyan Norfork
OF Estarlin Martinez
OF Will Piwnica-Worms
RHP Wirkin Esteven
RHP Wander Suero
1B James Yezzo
OF Narciso Mesa
RHP Michael Sylvestri
C Raudy Reed
C Adderling Ruiz
1B Diomedes Eusebio
2B Chris Riopedre
RHP Kida De La Cruz
RHP D.J. Jauss
LHP Yorlin Reynoso
RHP Melvi Salazar
RHP Maximo Valerio
RHP Deibi Yrizarri
C Jakson Reetz
3B Younaifred Aguero
1B Dionicio Rosario
OF Aldrem Corredor
OF Randy Encarnacion
RHP Aroon Avila
RHP Angher Cespedes
RHP Malvin Pena
RHP Ramses Rosario
LHP Isaias Silfa
C Jeyner Baez
3B Francys Peguero
1B Neivy Pilier
1B Davinson Pimentel
2B Joshual Ramirez
OF Telmito Agustin
OF Aridio Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

To maximize the super-rotation-ness of their super-rotation, the Nationals have Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Jordan Zimmermann utilize the classic three-pitchers-in-one-large-trench-coat strategy, Vincent Adultman style. They still manage to be shorter than Doug Fister.
Frustrated by having to wait for Trea Turner to actually become a National, GM Mike Rizzo orders a covert operation to extract Turner from his Lake Elsinore apartment in the middle the night during the first week of the season.
Bryce Harper finally faces a pitcher younger than him when 21-year-old Mets second baseman is forced to pitch to Harper during a 23-inning marathon against the Nationals in late April.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Texas Rangers

Mar26 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

RF: Skins Hooch Ew

SS: Hell Bison Druze

1B: Bris Feeler

3B: Aid Rained Bell Torrey

DH: Mitchum Whore Land

CF: Lonesome Heart Teen

RF: Shakes Mole Hills Key

C: Rubbing Saunter Keynotes

2B: Roof Need Her Door

SP: Chobani Guy Hardo

SP: Terry Collins

SP: Nicked a Pitch

SP: Go Be Loose

SP: Rocket Wilder

Off-season Haiku

Gallardo: good start.

Down goes Profar, down goes Yu.

Another year of hurt.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Prince Fielder off Blake Beavan – 446 feet
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This Prince dinger came in like the second week of the season. Once everyone on the Rangers roster started dropping like flies, it was hard to expect anyone to hit one farther than this Prince one.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Donnie Murphy off Fernando Abad – 339 feet
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This being a home run might be the only thing that went the Rangers way in 2014.
Best Names in the Farm System

LHP Martire Garcia
SS Guilder Rodriguez
1B Rock Shoulders
RHP Jefri Hernandez
RHP Keone Kela
1B J.T. Wise
OF Teodoro Martinez
RHP Arlett Mavare
LHP Yohander Mdnez
LHP Ryne Slack
3B Janluis Castro
1B Smerling Lantigua
C Sherman Lacrus
SS Isiah Kiner-Falefa
3B Tripp Martin
3B Juremi Profar
OF Saquan Johnson
RHP Easton Napiontek
RHP Storm Rynard
SS Yeyson Yrizarri
3B Ti’Quan Forbes
OF Darius Day
RHP Greidy Martinez
RHP Argenis Rodriguez
C Yohel Pozo
SS Brallan Perez
OF Yimmelvyn Alonzo
DH Andretty Cordero
RHP Israel Cruz
LHP Gionny Fracchiolla
RHP Yancarlos Martinez
RHP Yelfri Minoz
LHP Nerfy Nunez
LHP Yonelvy Pichardo
LHP Yhonson Rojas
1B Porfirio Martinez
OF Darwin Tovar

Three Bold Predictions

After Nick Tepesch gives up seven runs for a fourth consecutive start, the Rangers decide left-handed Yu Darvish is the best option as their fifth starter. Lefty Darvish finishes the year with a 3.57 ERA in 128 innings pitched.
Struggling to maintain any fan interest when out of the playoff race by mid-June, the Rangers cancel their home games in favor of impromptu home run derbies between Prince Fielder, Joey Gallo, and recently acquired Carlos Peguero.
During their series at Coors Field in July, Rougned Odor hits a game-tying homer off Rockies reliever LaTroy Hawkins, who was drafted nearly three years before Odor was born.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

Mar24 by jakemintz

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet
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This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet
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That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

RHP Mark Hamburger
SS Argenis Diaz
3B Heiker Meneses
OF Mike Kvasnicka
RHP D.J. Baxendale
RHP Nick Burdi
RHP Tim Shibuya
3B Niko Goodrum
LHP Mat Batts
C Alex Swim
SS Engelb Vielma
OF Tanner English
LHP Cameron Booser
RHP J.T. Chargois
RHP C.K. Irby
RHP Keaton Steele
C Brett Doe
2B Will Hurt
LHP Onas Farfan
RHP Onesimo Hernandez
RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
RHP Callan Pearce
RHP Matz Schutte
LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
LHP Reyson Zoquiel
C Jarrard Poteete
C Rainis Silva
SS Zaino Henriquez
3B Ruar Verkerk
OF Dubal Baez
OF Zach Granite
OF Amaurys Minier
RHP Robener Cabrera
RHP Brusdar Graterol
RHP Ramses Herrera
LHP Jadison Jimenez
RHP Johan Quezada
LHP Fredderi Soto
RHP Huascar Ynoa
C Darling Cuesto
OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

Mar23 by jakemintz

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet
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Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet
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If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
RHP Tiago Da Silva
RHP Arik Sikula
1B L.B. Dantzler
SS Shane Opitz
RHP Adonys Cardona
LHP Francisco Gracesqui
RHP Starlyn Suriel
2B Jason Leblebijian
SS Dawel Lugo
2B Dickie Joe Thon
OF Derrick Loveless
OF Chaz Frank
RHP Mark Biggs
RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
C Max Pentecost
SS Gunnar Heidt
1B Ryan McBroom
1B Rowdy Tellez
OF Boomer Collins
OF Roemon Fields
RHP Hansel Rodriguez
2B Deiferson Barreto
SS Yeltsin Gudino
LHP Juliandry Higuera
LHP Kelyn Jose
RHP Luis Zerpa
3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

Mar20 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: Ying-Yang Nervous Oh Latte

CF: Wilhelm Eyres

RF: Matic Imp

LF: Just Turnip Tin

1B: Honduras Lawn So

2B: Jedd Jerk-O

C: Dare Rick Norse

SS: Alex E. A Barista

SP: Jay Mush Heels

SP: Ann? Rue cash? NAH.

SP: Ty Sinner Awes

SP: E.N. Canada

SP: Ode Re-sign Mart Español

Off-season Haiku

Myers, Upton, Kemp,

Norris, Middlebrooks, Morrow,

Shields, *inhale*, AND CLINT BARMES!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Seth Smith off Dan Haren – 447 feet
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Only in Petco can the farthest home run of the year barely go over the fence.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yonder Alonso off Jordan Lyles – 342
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These is an example of a Yonder Alonso double that actually turned into a Yonder Alonso home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

RHP Stephen Kohlscheen
RHP Zack Segovia
C Griff Erickson
C Rocky Gale
OF Yeison Asencio
OF Rico Noel
RHP Zechariah Lemond
RHP James Needy
RHP Adys Portillo
RHP Alan Oaks
RHP Genison Reyes
1B Luis Domoromo
OF Alberth Martinez
LHP Payton Baskette
RHP Colby Blueberg
RHP Jason Jester
RHP Justin Livengood
2B Renaldo Bruguera
OF Franmil Reyes
SS Josh VanMeter
SS Franchy Cordero
2B Jalen Goree
2B River Stevens
OF Yale Rosen
RHP Jace Chancellor
RHP Jaimito Lebron
RHP Mayky Perez
RHP Starling Ynfante
SS Ruddy Giron
OF Euri Minaya
LHP Eisler Cordova
RHP Dinelson Lamet
RHP Rosmel Purroy
SS Westhers Magdaleno
OF Dayon Olmo
2B Elys Ugueto

Three Bold Predictions

In order to make sure he never gets traded, Odrisamer Despaigne legally changes his name to San Diego Padres.
In an effort to maximize both health and performance, Josh Johnson and Brandon Morrow literally share the 5th spot in the rotation, each taking turns every other inning during their starts.
A.J. Preller spends the entire season trying to convince impending free agent Justin Upton to sign an extension, without Rymer reason.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

Mar19 by jakemintz

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet
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This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet
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This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

3B Deibinson Romero
OF Gorkys Hernandez
RHP Matt Benedict
C Dwight Childs
2B Gift Ngoepe
RHP Yhonathan Barrios
RHP Jhondaniel Medina
RHP Tyler Sample
1B D.J. Crumlich
OF Raul Fortunato
OF Jonathan Schwind
RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
C Kawika Emsley-Pai
SS JaCoby Jones
OF Maximo Rivera
RHP Montana DuRapau
RHP Sam Street
C Deybi Garcia
2B Trace Tam Sing
RHP Marek Minarik
RHP Oderman Rocha
RHP Jonathan Sandfort
SS Trae Arbet
2B Ulises Montilla
OF Enyel Vallejo
RHP Gage Hinsz
RHP Yunior Montero
LHP Horelbin Ramos
RHP Jandy Vasquez
SS Bealyn Chourio
OF Tito Polo
RHP Jherson Esqueda
RHP Yeudy Garcia
LHP Nestor Oronel
RHP Eumir Sepulveda
C Mikell Granberry
1B Huascar Fuentes
2B Raul Siri
OF Mister Luciano
OF Jeremias Portorreal
OF Sandy Santos
OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

Someone tells Gregory Polanco that his swing is better suited for golf so he changes his name to Greg Plank, buys some brash nickers, and joins the PGA tour.
Clint Hurdle turns into a cherry.
Shortstop Jung-Ho Kang lives up to all the hype and posts a .947 OPS in April, prompting the Pirates to go out and sign all the biggest sluggers from the Korean Baseball Organization, like Eric Thames, Yamaico Navarro, and Felix Pie.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

Mar17 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Bang Erv Here

SS: Fried Egg Elvis

2B: Geisha Lee

1B: Ruined Hour’d

LF: Demonic Prawn

RF: Daring Woof

C: Careless Ruse

3B: Cold Ass Sheep

SP: Clam Holes

SP: Herring Arraign

SP: Day Bid Book Canyon

SP: Germ Whale Hymns

SP: Key Vans Lorrie

Off-season Haiku

The rebuild begins.

Why do they still have Hamels?

NEED ALL THE PROSPECTS!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Marlon Byrd off Mike Dunn – 442 feet
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Center field at Marlins Park looks virtually impossible to reach, but every year during its brief existence, a half-dozen or so sluggers hit one up into those strange bushes. Well, usually it’s just Giancarlo a couple times and then one or two other hitters, but yeah. Byrd’s got some serious raw, though.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jimmy Rollins off Johnny Cueto – 337 feet
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Yawn.

Best Names in the Farm System

C Koyie Hill
3B Cord Phelps
RHP Severino Gonzalez
RHP Ben Lively
RHP Stephen Shackleford
SS Brock Stassi
SS K.C. Serna
RHP Ulises Joaquin
RHP Steven Inch
OF Herlis Rodriguez
2B Jesmuel Valentin
1B Art Charles
RHP Ranfi Casimiro
RHP Yacksel Rios
RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
RHP Tyler Viza
1B Willians Astudillo
SS Malquin Canelo
RHP Preston Packrall
RHP Feliberto Sanchez
1B Rhys Hoskins
OF Jiandido Tromp
RHP Seranthony Dominguez
LHP Elniery Garcia
LHP Denton Keys
RHP Franklyn Kilome
RHP Jason Zgardowski
SS Grenny Cumana
3B Damek Tomscha
OF Venn Biter
RHP Randy Alcantara
RHP Steiner Carmona
RHP Wilkin Familia
RHP Gregorix Mateo
RHP Yonathan Trinidad
SS Braylin Carrasco
OF Yunior Reyes
DH Julsan Kamara
RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
LHP Oberdan Diaz
RHP Reiwal Gonzalez
LHP Tanis Lara
LHP Ranger Suarez
3B Willerker Isava
OF Yorbys Tabares
OF Freddy Zorrilla

Three Bold Predictions

Without any concern for how poorly the 2015 season goes, the Phillies temporarily bring all of their outfield fences in 50 feet in an effort to restore some confidence for struggling hitters Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown. Darin Ruf hits 137 home runs.
Cliff Lee tries to pitch through the pain and reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form when he was basically the worst pitcher in baseball. Inspired by this transformation, outfielder Grady Sizemore also reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form, and is suddenly one of the best outfielders in baseball again. The trade-off is a wash, and the Phillies still lose 103 games.
After holding out for what 29 other MLB teams deemed to be far too much, Ruben Amaro Jr. finally trades Cole Hamels to Iran in exchange for a huge scale-back in nuclear developments, and a player to be named later.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Mar16 by jakemintz

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet
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And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet
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It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

LHP Misael Siverio
RHP Forrest Snow
3B Yordi Calderon
OF Jabari Blash
3B Zach Shank
OF Chantz Mack
OF Jabari Henry
OF Burt Reynolds
RHP Thyago Vieira
RHP Hawtin Buchanan
LHP Joselito Cano
RHP Jody Kerski
RHP Jeffeson Medina
RHP Lukas Schiraldi
OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
RHP Yohailys Millord
RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
RHP Ulises Perez
RHP Marvin Gorgas
C Wei Wang
SS Rayder Ascanio
3B Lachlan Fontaine
2B Kavin Keyes
OF Hersin Martinez
RHP Rigoberto Garcia
RHP Ugueth Urbina
OF Arby Fields
C Georvic Perez
SS Gianfranco Wawoe
LHP Melchor Urquides
LHP Romulo Manzueta
RHP Aneurys Zabala
SS Greifer Andrade
SS Johmbeyker Morales
OF Adalfi Almonte
LHP Liarvis Breto
RHP Wladimir Marruffo
RHP Paolo Padovani
C Geoandry Montilla
C Oberto Munoz
3B Alexdray Laya
2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.

CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE

It's a Roast

Monthly Archives: March 2015

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Francisco Giants

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Washington Nationals

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Texas Rangers

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners