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Projected Lineup

CF: Cookie Christ

2B: Benz O’Bris

RF: Juicer Dick

DH: Bile Heave Butt Hurt

1B: Hiked A Vince

3B: Bread Lottery

C: Steve And Boat

LF: Gray Egg Entry

SS: Mark A. Seaman

SP: Saw Nag Ray

SP: Ascot A Cat A Shmear

SP: Chest Each Haves

SP: Droop Homer Hands

SP: Chest Eon

Off-season Haiku

Traded Donaldson,

and then everybody else.

Totally new team.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Nate Freiman off Mike Minor – 459 feet

This was definitely one of those points in the ESPN broadcast where the commentators are taking a break from actually doing play-by-play because they don’t know much about who is hitting, and then Giant Human Nate Freiman hits this ridiculous dinger to center and they’re not sure how to react. 22nd farthest home run of 2014!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yoenis Cespedes off Matt Daley – 335 feet

Pause the video at contact and try to comprehend how this resulted in a home run. In conclusion: Yo.

Best Names in the Farm System

• RHP Deck McGuire
• 3B Alden Carrithers
• 3B Niuman Romero
• OF Zeke DeVoss
• 2B Conner Crumbliss
• 3B Miles Head
• 1B Max Muncy
• C Nick Rickles
• RHP Dominique Vattuone
• SS Yairo Munoz
• OF J.P. Sportman
• RHP Travis Pitcher
• C Iolana Akau
• C Andy Paz
• C Argenis Raga
• OF Jonesy Zarraga
• OF Vicmal De La Cruz
• OF Rodolfo Penalo
• RHP Ruber Aquino
• LHP Reinaldo Hoyos
• LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
• RHP Emerson Nelo
• RHP Wilfredo Magallanes
• RHP Gerardo Vilchez
• C Jesus Monserratt
• 1B Sandber Pimentel
• OF Yhoelnys Gonzalez
• OF Gean Rigby

Three Bold Predictions

1. Billy Beane tries to trade Josh Reddick in April but ESPN won’t let him because he’s reached his Acquisition Limit for the month.
2. Outfielder Sam Fuld hits .500 for the entire month of April, prompting yet another 10,000 word section in his already obscenely long Wikipedia page.
3. Unaware of the Coliseum’s world-renowned sewage problems, frat star Brett Lawrie leaves an upper decker in the clubhouse bathroom, resulting in an ungodly flood of cataclysmic proportions, ultimately forcing the A’s to build a new stadium. Thanks, Brett!