2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Tampa Bay Rays

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Chess Mound Jeggings

DH: Chonge Ace Hoe

3B: Heaven Lawn Gorier

1B: Game Slow Knee

LF: Steep And Shoots A

RF: Cave Ink Heem Ire

SS: Ass Dribble Capybara

C: Ray Neigh Rave Hair

2B: Nike Frog Line

SP: Crew Starcher

SP: Mate More

SP: Juice My Lee

SP: Jay Code Whore Easy

SP: Al Licks Column Hey

Off-season Haiku

Is there anyone left?

Maddon, Friedman, Zobrist, Wil;


Farthest Home Run of 2014
Sean Rodriguez off Shawn Kelley – 445 feet

Tampa lost a lot of talent this off-season, but in twenty years, we will look back at the Noted Slugger Sean Rodriguez for a PTNBL trade as their most disastrous move.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Wil Myers off Masahiro Tanaka – 335 feet

This bat flip from Myers wasn’t quite up to his standard, but it was still pretty solid.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Mayobanex Acosta
  • C Mike Marjama
  • SS Leonardo Reginatto
  • RHP Eduar Quinonez
  • C Maxx Tissenbaum
  • SS Juniel Quereceto
  • OF Marty Gantt
  • OF Boog Powell
  • OF Johnny Field
  • OF Granden Goetzman
  • RHP Buddy Borden
  • C Armando Araiza
  • OF Yoel Araujo
  • RHP Eli Echarry
  • RHP Enderson Franco
  • SS Alec Sole
  • RHP Hyrum Formo
  • RHP Yonny Chirinos
  • 2B Bill Pujols
  • RHP Brock Burke
  • LHP Cristopher Crisostomo
  • RHP Yael Regalado
  • RHP Abrahan Rodriguez
  • C Mark Clark
  • 3B Isias Alcantar
  • OF Cade Gotta
  • OF Zacrey Law
  • LHP Genesis Cabrera
  • RHP Jeffry Done
  • RHP Herminio Germoso
  • RHP Kendri Salvador
  • RHP Sandy Brito
  • RHP Estarly Cedeno
  • C Rafelin Lorenzo
  • 2B Jilbert Rosario
  • RHP Roimar Guarecuco
  • RHP Chander Sanz
  • 3B Pascual Fiorello
  • CF Randhi Balcazar
  • OF Eleardo Cabrera

Three Bold Predictions

  1. John Jaso’s return to Tampa Bay spawns a series of giant Nike We Are All Witnesses billboards throughout the city, featuring Jaso’s precious face.
  2. The Rays home opener is delayed twenty minutes when the entire team simultaneously forgets who they hired to replace Joe Maddon.
  3. Steven Souza struggles in April while Wil Myers blossoms into a legitimate All-Star talent in San Diego, as the Rays lose their second Wil Myers Trade™ in three years.

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