CFBBQ March Madness

Because I am a student-athlete and thus privy to all the rules and regulations of the NCAA, I am not allowed to gamble or wager on the NCAA basketball tournament in any way. This sucks a whole lot of butt. So instead of losing 20 dollars, I’ve decided to spread the love this year.

The winner of the CFBBQ pool will win a fitted CFBBQ hat and a guest appearance on the podcast. Second place gets a hat. Last place gets a free CFBBQ business card. Sucks.

There are three rules for the bracket. If your bracket does not follow these rules you are disqualified and thus ineligible for our lame prize:

  • You may not pick Kentucky to win a single game.
  • You must have a seed higher than 8 in your final four.
  • Your score for the championship game must be 169-69.

Here is the link for the CFBBQ March Madness bracket:

Happy Picking.

Episode 57: Corvallis Family Barbecue

Welcome to Barbecast 57! Our special guest this week (at 17:23) is one of the best college pitchers in the country, Andrew Moore! Andrew is the Friday starter for the Oregon State Beavers, and he decided to spend the night before his start against Arizona State talking to us about (mostly) silly things, including:

  • his self-scouting report
  • choosing Oregon State over Oregon
  • the Ducks/Beaver rivalry
  • pitch counts for college pitchers
  • pitching for Team USA…
  • …IN CUBA!

…and more!

After Andrew, the weekly B-Ref Battle commenced, and included a guy named Butts, and yet another remarkably strange and unusual death. After B-Ref (at 1:12:08), Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry covered #FerrellTakingTheField, and the things we liked/disliked about it. We concluded by marveling at the astoundingly brief MLB career of Charlton Jimerson, and discussing the realities of Jake’s Varsity Baseball Update. Thanks for listening <3

Musical guest: The Duck Song


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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals


Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: A Seedy Sex Crowbar

LF: Alexa Garden

1B: Harry Kozma

DH: King Grease Moor Allies

C: Saliva Derp Ares

RF: Elixer Hijos

2B: Home Harry Fun Time

3B: Mice Mushed Tacos

CF: Lawrence OK

SP: Your Dong Oven Churro

SP: Trey Song Forge Ass

SP: Gare Meager Us Tree

SP: Adding Son Vole Quest

SP: Dandied Huffy

Off-season Haiku

Well, James Shields is gone.

It was fun while it lasted.

Edinson Volquez?!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Alex Gordon off Cody Allen – 462 feet

This was probably the pinnacle of the Royals’ regular season run, a game-tying dinger in a late August game on national television. It was also absolutely destroyed.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Salvador Perez off Kirby Yates – 338 feet

The left field line situation at Tropicana is arguably even stranger than the Pesky Pole in Fenway. What the hell is that platform even doing there?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Aroni Nina
  • OF Whit Merrifield
  • LHP Tripp Davis
  • RHP Benino Pruneda
  • 1B Mark Threlkeld
  • 2B Justin Trapp
  • LHP Jonathan Dzeidzic
  • LHP Felix Familia
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • RHP Glenn Sparkman
  • LHP Daniel Stumpf
  • OF Daniel Rockett
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Igol Feliz
  • RHP Robinson Yambati
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Scott Blewett
  • LHP Enmanuel Camacho
  • LHP Estarlin Cordero
  • RHP Eric Sandness
  • LHP Dylan Sons
  • 2B D.J. Burt
  • 3B Manny Olloque
  • OF Amalani Fukofuka
  • OF Logan Moon
  • LHP Cruz Guevara
  • RHP Zach Lovvorn
  • LHP Eric Stout
  • SS Jeckson Flores
  • SS Marten Gasparini
  • 3B Wander Franco
  • OF DonAndre Clark
  • OF Brawlun Gomez
  • RHP Gerson Garabito
  • RHP Ofeidy Gomez
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • 1B Yorly Martinez
  • OF Jose Vital
  • OF Yeison Melo

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Terrence Gore makes the Opening Day roster as Kendrys Morales’ designated pinch-runner. Kendrys keeps Gore in his back pocket during at-bats and when he makes contact, he pulls him out and throws him towards first base.
  2. After successfully converting Below-Average Starter Wade Davis into All-Time Great Reliever Wade Davis, the Royals attempt to turn Below-Average Reliever Louis Coleman into All-Time Great Starter Louis Coleman. It doesn’t work.
  3. As a response to somewhat controversially stopping at third base in Game 7 of the World Series, Alex Gordon tries to score on every single ball he hits to the outfield during the year, leading to a record number of inside-the-park home runs and a litany of TOOTBLANs.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Tampa Bay Rays

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Chess Mound Jeggings

DH: Chonge Ace Hoe

3B: Heaven Lawn Gorier

1B: Game Slow Knee

LF: Steep And Shoots A

RF: Cave Ink Heem Ire

SS: Ass Dribble Capybara

C: Ray Neigh Rave Hair

2B: Nike Frog Line

SP: Crew Starcher

SP: Mate More

SP: Juice My Lee

SP: Jay Code Whore Easy

SP: Al Licks Column Hey

Off-season Haiku

Is there anyone left?

Maddon, Friedman, Zobrist, Wil;


Farthest Home Run of 2014
Sean Rodriguez off Shawn Kelley – 445 feet

Tampa lost a lot of talent this off-season, but in twenty years, we will look back at the Noted Slugger Sean Rodriguez for a PTNBL trade as their most disastrous move.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Wil Myers off Masahiro Tanaka – 335 feet

This bat flip from Myers wasn’t quite up to his standard, but it was still pretty solid.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Mayobanex Acosta
  • C Mike Marjama
  • SS Leonardo Reginatto
  • RHP Eduar Quinonez
  • C Maxx Tissenbaum
  • SS Juniel Quereceto
  • OF Marty Gantt
  • OF Boog Powell
  • OF Johnny Field
  • OF Granden Goetzman
  • RHP Buddy Borden
  • C Armando Araiza
  • OF Yoel Araujo
  • RHP Eli Echarry
  • RHP Enderson Franco
  • SS Alec Sole
  • RHP Hyrum Formo
  • RHP Yonny Chirinos
  • 2B Bill Pujols
  • RHP Brock Burke
  • LHP Cristopher Crisostomo
  • RHP Yael Regalado
  • RHP Abrahan Rodriguez
  • C Mark Clark
  • 3B Isias Alcantar
  • OF Cade Gotta
  • OF Zacrey Law
  • LHP Genesis Cabrera
  • RHP Jeffry Done
  • RHP Herminio Germoso
  • RHP Kendri Salvador
  • RHP Sandy Brito
  • RHP Estarly Cedeno
  • C Rafelin Lorenzo
  • 2B Jilbert Rosario
  • RHP Roimar Guarecuco
  • RHP Chander Sanz
  • 3B Pascual Fiorello
  • CF Randhi Balcazar
  • OF Eleardo Cabrera

Three Bold Predictions

  1. John Jaso’s return to Tampa Bay spawns a series of giant Nike We Are All Witnesses billboards throughout the city, featuring Jaso’s precious face.
  2. The Rays home opener is delayed twenty minutes when the entire team simultaneously forgets who they hired to replace Joe Maddon.
  3. Steven Souza struggles in April while Wil Myers blossoms into a legitimate All-Star talent in San Diego, as the Rays lose their second Wil Myers Trade™ in three years.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Chin Meat Raw Wings

LF: Call Call Fjord

CF: Your Seal Pig

1B: Aid Rye Angle Souls

C: Ass Money Grundel

2B: A Weak A Drink

3B: Wander eBay

RF: Shock Beaters On

SP: Cleat Honker Shoe

SP: Saw Cranky

SP: Inching Wee Who

SP: Bring Them Car Thief

SP: Bread Handers On

Off-season Haiku

Where did Matt Kemp go?

Drastic Front Office changes;

Bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Hanley Ramirez off Jorge De La Rosa – 472 feet

Even in the rain, this was the 5th farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014. If Hanley hits one like that this year, the ball could go all the way to [insert Boston suburb you have the most family friends in]!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Scott Van Slyke off Wade Miley – 341 feet

The first thing you’ll notice is that they are playing the game in Australia. Remember that?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Red Patterson
  • 3B Buck Britton
  • SS Erisbel Arruebarrena
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Raydel Sanchez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • C Austin Chubb
  • 2B Casio Grider
  • 1B Justin Chigbogu
  • 1B Josmar Cordero
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • RHP Karch Kowalcyzk
  • RHP Abdiel Velasquez
  • C John Cannon
  • 3B Yensys Capellan
  • OF Billy Bereszniewicz
  • OF Andrew Godbold
  • RHP Danny Danielson
  • RHP Misja Harcksen
  • RHP Lenix Osuna
  • RHP Harlan Richter
  • RHP Sven Schuller
  • RHP Kam Uter
  • RHP M.J. Villegas
  • 1B Ibandel Isabel
  • OF Federico Celli
  • RHP Melvyn Forbes
  • LHP Osiris Ramirez
  • C Hendrik Clementina
  • C Gersel Pitre
  • C Alvaro Rubi
  • 3B Jimy Perez
  • OF Shakir Albert

Three Bold Predictions

  • In line with the organization’s new image the Dodgers formally change their name to the Los Angeles Nerds. The crowd chant of “LETS GO NERDS” during the playoffs inspires millions across the country.
  • Yasiel Puig finds a person named Cütof Mann and hits him in the face.
  • Juan Uribe hits a home run and consequently bat flips the bat over the center field wall. A little known MLB bylaw grants Uribe double the runs for his courageous display of raw strength.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Milwaukee Brewers

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Car Logo Mets

C: Joe Nathan Luke Roy

RF: Rye and Brown

3B: Our Aim Is Ram Ears

1B: A Dim Lint

LF: Khrist Avis

2B: Scoot Her Gen Ed

SS: Genes O’Gura

SP: Matic R. Za

SP: Kai Ill OH SH–!

SP: Will He Pear Altar

SP: Mic Fires

SP: Gym Mean Hell Sun

Off-season Haiku

Hello, Adam Lind.

Not much else besides saying

So long, Gallardo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Rickie Weeks off Travis Wood – 464 feet

It’s not THAT rare for someone to hit a home run on to Waveland Avenue over the left field bleachers, but this was much closer to center field that it was to left. Ridiculous power. Weeks has already showed this spring that he can still hit home runs pretty freakin’ far, and it’ll be interesting to see how his power translates to Safeco.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Braun off David Carpenter – 345 feet

That’s 97 MPH chest high, and Braun just muscles it out down the right field line. Major league baseball players, man. They’re pretty good.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Wirfin Obispo
  • C Robinzon Diaz
  • OF Nathan Orf
  • OF D’Vontrey Richardson
  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • RHP Tommy Toledo
  • C Milan Post
  • OF Yunior Santana
  • 2B Jorge Quiterio
  • RHP Cy Sneed
  • C Natanael Mejia
  • 1B Alan Sharkey
  • LHP Boanerges Nova
  • RHP Nattino Diplan
  • RHP Axel Cordero
  • 2B Roosevert Chal
  • SS Franly Mallen
  • 1B Nicol Valderray
  • OF Joantgel Segovia

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After proving he can mash dingers at every professional level available to him and STILL not having an everyday role on an MLB team, Matt Clark decides to take advantage of the improved diplomatic relations with Cuba and heads south to play in the Cuban National Series for a year. He shatters Jose Abreu’s single-season home run record and becomes best friends with Yo’s family.
  2. Khris Davis’ OBP in the first half struggles to get above .280, forcing the Brewers front office to swap him out with Bernie the Brewer. Despite below-average defense in left, Bernie posts a .921 OPS with 23 dingers at home, each one prompting Davis to slide down the Miller Park Slide.
  3. Having announced during Spring Training that he is retiring after the 2015 season, Aramis Ramirez decides he wants a Jeter-esque retirement tour too. Struggling to come up with original gifts for Aramis, each MLB team decides to just give him Jeter-signed memorabilia instead.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Mets

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

2B: Dangle Em Herpies

LF: My Kegel Dyer

3B: Dave Dried

1B: Lou Cast Tudor

C: Trapeze Doorknob

RF: Grotesque Ranger Sewn

SS: Will Mufflers

CF: On Land Cars

SP: Me Turvy

SP: Barter Loco Loan

SP: Jonny’s

SP: Squealer

SP: Shake Of Pogrom

Off-season Haiku

You got a shortstop?

One that’s not Wilmer Flores.

Where’s Rey Ordonez?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Kevin Correia – 457 feet

Lucas Duda quietly hit 30 home runs in 2014. This was the longest of those 30.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Vance Worley – 341 feet

Wait, Lucas Duda hit 30 home runs in 2014? Huh. This was the shortest of those 30.

Best Names in the Farm System

  •  RHP Rainy Lara
  • C Xorge Carillo
  • OF Maikis De La Cruz
  • RHP Dawrin Frias
  • RHP Chris Flexen
  • RHP Persio Reyes
  • LHP Paul Paez
  • SS Yeixon Ruiz
  • 3B Nelfi Zapata
  • OF Champ Stuart
  • RHP Gaither Bumgardner
  • RHP Martires Arias
  • RHP Scarlyn Reyes
  • RHP Edioglis Villasmil
  • OF Tucker Tharp
  • RHP Nicco Blank
  • RHP Yoryi Nuez
  • LHP David Roseboom
  • OF Wuilmer Becerra
  • RHP Nabil Crismatt
  • 1B Dash Winningham
  • OF Hengelbert Rojas
  • RHP Gregorix Estevez
  • RHP Merandy Gonzalez
  • RHP Luis Popa
  • RHP Ygnacio Rondon
  • RHP Bladimil Vallejo
  • 3B Yeffry De Aza
  • 3B Rigoberto Terrazas
  • OF Ysidro Pierre
  • RHP Wuender Fernandez
  • RHP Enmanuel Berihuete

Three Bold Predictions

  • Noah Syndergaard gets called up in May and opens his own Which Wich sandwich shop inside the Mets clubhouse. Bobby Parnell asks for a trade.
  • Bartolo Colon shows up to spring training in the best shape of his life: spherical.
  • Mets fans will be disappointed with the season. Wait. That’s not bold.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Cookie Christ

2B: Benz O’Bris

RF: Juicer Dick

DH: Bile Heave Butt Hurt

1B: Hiked A Vince

3B: Bread Lottery

C: Steve And Boat

LF: Gray Egg Entry

SS: Mark A. Seaman

SP: Saw Nag Ray

SP: Ascot A Cat A Shmear

SP: Chest Each Haves

SP: Droop Homer Hands

SP: Chest Eon

Off-season Haiku

Traded Donaldson,

and then everybody else.

Totally new team.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Nate Freiman off Mike Minor – 459 feet

This was definitely one of those points in the ESPN broadcast where the commentators are taking a break from actually doing play-by-play because they don’t know much about who is hitting, and then Giant Human Nate Freiman hits this ridiculous dinger to center and they’re not sure how to react. 22nd farthest home run of 2014!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yoenis Cespedes off Matt Daley – 335 feet

Pause the video at contact and try to comprehend how this resulted in a home run. In conclusion: Yo.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Deck McGuire
  • 3B Alden Carrithers
  • 3B Niuman Romero
  • OF Zeke DeVoss
  • 2B Conner Crumbliss
  • 3B Miles Head
  • 1B Max Muncy
  • C Nick Rickles
  • RHP Dominique Vattuone
  • SS Yairo Munoz
  • OF J.P. Sportman
  • RHP Travis Pitcher
  • C Iolana Akau
  • C Andy Paz
  • C Argenis Raga
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga
  • OF Vicmal De La Cruz
  • OF Rodolfo Penalo
  • RHP Ruber Aquino
  • LHP Reinaldo Hoyos
  • LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
  • RHP Emerson Nelo
  • RHP Wilfredo Magallanes
  • RHP Gerardo Vilchez
  • C Jesus Monserratt
  • 1B Sandber Pimentel
  • OF Yhoelnys Gonzalez
  • OF Gean Rigby

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Billy Beane tries to trade Josh Reddick in April but ESPN won’t let him because he’s reached his Acquisition Limit for the month.
  2. Outfielder Sam Fuld hits .500 for the entire month of April, prompting yet another 10,000 word section in his already obscenely long Wikipedia page.
  3. Unaware of the Coliseum’s world-renowned sewage problems, frat star Brett Lawrie leaves an upper decker in the clubhouse bathroom, resulting in an ungodly flood of cataclysmic proportions, ultimately forcing the A’s to build a new stadium. Thanks, Brett!

CFBBQ All-Purim Team



The Jewish Holiday of Purim starts tonight and continues tomorrow. For those of you unfamiliar with the holiday it’s basically a Jewish version of Mardi Gras (huge simplification). If you’ve never heard of Purim you won’t get this post at all, but if you know all about Purim then you might like it.

Here’s the all-Purim squad:


P: Len Perme (Basically named Len Purim)

C: Pat Spieler (Old Pat always put on a good Purim Shpiel)

1B: Susano Perez (Closest thing to Shushan)

2B: Henry Tershinski (I couldn’t find anyone named Bigtan)

3B: Don Magill (The whole Don Magill) 

SS: Anthony Esterquest (Esthers… quest…)

RF: Billy Queen (Because Esther is a Queen…)

CF: Mack Haman (He got booed all the time)

LF: Mike Mordechai (The savior of our team)


Make sure you boo Haman and A-Rod tomorrow!

Episode 56: All-Canadian Reject

Welcome to Barbecast 56! We have TWO special guests this week. Our first special guest (at 21:47) is Evan, the lead-vocalist and founder of the Isotopes, the World’s Greatest Baseball Punk Rock band. We talked to Evan about how one starts a baseball punk rock band, being a baseball fan in Vancouver, Rey Ordonez, and (at 39:30) Evan shares arguably the greatest story in Barbecast history about how and why he was BANNED FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Evan is awesome! After Evan, our B-Ref Battle commenced, names were laughed at, and a guy named Crazy who looked like Hitler. After B-Ref (at 1:20:05), we brought on our second special guest: good friend of the BBQ and Buster Posey rookie card hoarder Wes Yee! We talked to Wes about the art of buying and selling baseball cards, playing NAIA baseball, and that time he asked a few adult film actresses Kelly Vs. Avril. Wes is awesome! Next (at 1:45:20), Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry covered that god damn awful dress. Sorry. We concluded with some appreciative words about the career of Benito Santiago and a mildly disappointing Varsity Baseball Update. Baseball is soon! Thanks for listening <3

Click here to listen to/buy some awesome Isotopes music!

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