2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Houston Astros

Click here for all previous previews. 

astros_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Scott Feldman, new ace.

Stole Fowler from the Rockies.

Japhet Amador.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • DH Japhet Amador
  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • SS Chan Moon
  • RHP Rayderson Chevalier
  • LHP Geronimo Franzua
  • RHP Yonquelys Martinez
  • LHP Christhoper Santamaria
  • LHP Starlyng Sanchez
  • 3B Arturo Michelena
  • SS Kristian Trompiz
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • 2B Parker Hipp
  • RHP Jandel Gustave
  • RHP Luis Ordosgoitti
  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • RHP Euris Quezada
  • OF Brauly Mejia
  • LHP Austin Nicely
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • 3B Adam Nelubowich

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • In a tragic twist of fate that shocks the entire baseball universe, Jose Altuve experiences a growth spurt at the age of 23 and grows a full foot over the course of the season.
  • Lance Berkman disguises himself as a Venezuelan minor leaguer named Ylance Beracmando and slugs .893 before his costume falls off in mid-August.
  • Matt Dominguez tests positive for PED’s, but claims his positive test was caused by the new breakfast waffle at Taco Bell. After brief deliberation, Bud Selig revokes the 50 game suspension and commends Dominguez for always living mas.
  • Frustrated with his team’s lackluster play during the first half of September, Jeff Luhnow calls up himself, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Elias, Mike Fast, and Colin Wyers. Wyers gets on base at a 40% clip, but his base-clogging status soon relegates him to the bench.
  • Jason Castro switches places with American Idol contestant Jason Castro. The Astros are instantly confronted by a lack of catching depth, but an abundance of horrible smelly dreadlocks.
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2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

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 rockies_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Another weird one.

Hopefully Morneau hits bombs.

BOONE LOGAN!?!?!?! THREE YEARS?!?!?!

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • 3B Jayson Langfels
  • 1B Kiel Roling
  • OF Delta Cleary Jr.
  • RHP Jesse Meaux
  • 1B Matt Argyropoulos
  • LHP Yoely Bello
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • 3B Ashley Graeter
  • OF Marcos Derkes
  • OF Kyle Von TungeIn
  • LHP Radhames Valerio
  • RHP Salvador Justo
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • RHP Joel Payamps
  • LHP Helmis Rodriguez
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • SS Emerson Jimenez
  • LHP Breiling Eusebio
  • C Wilkyns Jimenez
  • OF Denzel Richardson
  • OF Omar Carrizales

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Arizona Diamondbacks

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 diamondbacks_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Super-duper weird.

Don’t understand anything.

Bronson Arroyo!

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • C Raywilly Gomez
  • OF Breland Almadova
  • OF Socrates Brito
  • SS Didi Gregorius
  • OF Yogey Perez-Ramos
  • LHP Jose Jose
  • 2B Denver Chavez
  • RHP Bud Jeter
  • 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
  • 2B Fernery Ozuna
  • RHP Wellinton Felix
  • RHP Merkis Montero
  • 3B Vicson Graciano
  • OF Frankies Alcantara
  • RHP Silvino Bracho
  • RHP Tyler Toyfair
  • C Stryker Trahan
  • LHP Anfernee Benitez
  • RHP Alex Byo
  • SS Josue Herrera
  • RHP Johnny Shuttlesworth

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

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 cardinals_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Dumped the hero Freese,

Got Bourjos and his high socks.

Oh, and Mark Ellis.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • C Travis Tartamella
  • 1B Xavier Scruggs
  • C Jesus Montero
  • RHP Jordan Swagerty
  • RHP Silfredo Garcia
  • RHP Dixon Llorens
  • RHP Samiel Tuivailala
  • C Gerwuins Velazco
  • SS Ildemaro Vargas
  • OF Breyvic Valera
  • SS Kenneth Peoples-Walls
  • RHP Will Changarotty
  • RHP Virgilio Encarnacion
  • C Dionenrys Pena
  • OF Magneuris Sierra
  • RHP Fidencio Flores
  • LHP Max Foody
  • 2B Malik Collymore
  • RHP Dailyn Martinez
  • C Steve Bean
  • C Roman Wick
  • 2B Richy Pedroza
  • 2B Robelys Reyes
  • 1B Justin Ringo
  • OF Jhohan Acevedo
  • 3B Ronnierd Garcia
  • RHP Franyal Casadilla
  • SS Wadye Ynfante

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cincinnati Reds

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 reds_withnames copy

Off-season Haiku:

Extended Homer.

Brought in Skip Schumaker.

How exciting. NOT.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • 1B Marquez Smith
  • RHP El’Hajj Muhammad
  • 1B Logan Uxa
  • RHP Werleen Taveras
  • SS Zach Vincej
  • OF Beau Amaral
  • RHP Davide Anselmi
  • LHP Jakub Izold
  • RHO Soid Marquez
  • RHP Franderlyn Romero
  • C Chadwick Tromp
  • C Shedric Long
  • DH Argenis Aldazoro
  • 2B Oviel Florentino
  • OF Aristides Aquino
  • RHP Radhames Quezada
  • 3B Ery Bernabel
  • OF Diohanky Mejia
  • OF Jose Siri
  • C Pabel Manzanero
  • RHP Wendolyn Bautista
  • 2B Anthony Rubicondo
  • RHP Adolfi Telleria
  • 1B Raynar Guerrero
  • OF Diohanky Mejia
  • 1B Jhimmy Lopez

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

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 mariners_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Robinson Cano.

Robinson Cano! Cano!

Robinson Cano.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • OF Cavan Cohoes
  • RHP Mayckol Guaipe
  • RHP Jochi Ogando
  • OF Arby Fields
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • OF Janelfry Zorrilla
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • RHP Neritzon Osorio
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • 2B Gianfranco Wawoe
  • RHP Anjul Hernandez
  • LHP Rohimard Carrillo
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • 3B Jhonbaker Morales
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • OF Adalfi Almonte

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Angels

Angel Eyes

angels_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

Trumbo and Bourjos

will be missed, but too much.

Because Trout. Mike Trout.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • RHP Orangel Arenas
  • C Jett Bandy
  • C Abel Baker
  • C Anthony Bemboom
  • OF Exicardo Cayones
  • OF Chevy Clarke
  • C Enyelber Vivas
  • 2B Kirby Pellant
  • C Cambric Moye
  • OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
  • RHP Spencer Trygg
  • OF Michael Fish
  • LHP Engerberg Rosales
  • LHP Edisson Rosario
  • RHP Crusito Mieses
  • SS Goldny Mills
  • SS Darlyn Mota
  • OF Ayendy Perez
  • OF Junior Pedie
  • RHP Yency Almonte
  • RHP Arjenis Fernandez
  • LHP Eswarlin Jimenes
  • RHP Joey Krehbiel

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • During their final series of the year, long after being eliminated from playoff contention, the Angels bullpen will fail to record any outs. After a decent, 7-inning outing from C.J. Wilson, the bullpen will come in and give up 173 runs until the umpires tell them to “stop trying” after giving up their 12th home run of the game to John Buck, who will be batting left-handed at that point.
  • Now given the opportunity to destroy the Rangers’ soul at least 19 times a year, David Freese will hit at least one walk-off home run off every single Texas reliever. Each home run will force a Game 7, and Joe Buck will see you tomorrow night.
  • Mike Trout will fly to Afghanistan for a USO event to support the troops. An inconveniently informed baseball fan will accuse him of “loving WAR” and “promoting WAR more than anyone else in baseball history”. It’ll be like, sooooo awkward.
  • Using a portion of his gargantuan contract, Albert Pujols will replace the base paths at Angel Stadium with fluffy carpet to help ease the eternal pain in his feet.
  • During the All-Star Break, Josh Hamilton will be eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Across the room, he will see a tray of food being delivered to a table of innocent dinner guests. What’s on the tray? Sliders. He won’t be able to control himself. He will immediately go into a fit of discomfort, wildly swinging his breadsticks in every direction until the sliders are gone and he can go home. Just another sad night out for Josh :(