2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

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Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet

This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet

This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • OF Gorkys Hernandez
  • RHP Matt Benedict
  • C Dwight Childs
  • 2B Gift Ngoepe
  • RHP Yhonathan Barrios
  • RHP Jhondaniel Medina
  • RHP Tyler Sample
  • 1B D.J. Crumlich
  • OF Raul Fortunato
  • OF Jonathan Schwind
  • RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
  • C Kawika Emsley-Pai
  • SS JaCoby Jones
  • OF Maximo Rivera
  • RHP Montana DuRapau
  • RHP Sam Street
  • C Deybi Garcia
  • 2B Trace Tam Sing
  • RHP Marek Minarik
  • RHP Oderman Rocha
  • RHP Jonathan Sandfort
  • SS Trae Arbet
  • 2B Ulises Montilla
  • OF Enyel Vallejo
  • RHP Gage Hinsz
  • RHP Yunior Montero
  • LHP Horelbin Ramos
  • RHP Jandy Vasquez
  • SS Bealyn Chourio
  • OF Tito Polo
  • RHP Jherson Esqueda
  • RHP Yeudy Garcia
  • LHP Nestor Oronel
  • RHP Eumir Sepulveda
  • C Mikell Granberry
  • 1B Huascar Fuentes
  • 2B Raul Siri
  • OF Mister Luciano
  • OF Jeremias Portorreal
  • OF Sandy Santos
  • OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bang Erv Here

SS: Fried Egg Elvis

2B: Geisha Lee

1B: Ruined Hour’d

LF: Demonic Prawn

RF: Daring Woof

C: Careless Ruse

3B: Cold Ass Sheep

SP: Clam Holes

SP: Herring Arraign

SP: Day Bid Book Canyon

SP: Germ Whale Hymns

SP: Key Vans Lorrie

Off-season Haiku

The rebuild begins.

Why do they still have Hamels?

NEED ALL THE PROSPECTS!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Marlon Byrd off Mike Dunn – 442 feet

Center field at Marlins Park looks virtually impossible to reach, but every year during its brief existence, a half-dozen or so sluggers hit one up into those strange bushes. Well, usually it’s just Giancarlo a couple times and then one or two other hitters, but yeah. Byrd’s got some serious raw, though.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jimmy Rollins off Johnny Cueto – 337 feet

Yawn.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Koyie Hill
  • 3B Cord Phelps
  • RHP Severino Gonzalez
  • RHP Ben Lively
  • RHP Stephen Shackleford
  • SS Brock Stassi
  • SS K.C. Serna
  • RHP Ulises Joaquin
  • RHP Steven Inch
  • OF Herlis Rodriguez
  • 2B Jesmuel Valentin
  • 1B Art Charles
  • RHP Ranfi Casimiro
  • RHP Yacksel Rios
  • RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
  • RHP Tyler Viza
  • 1B Willians Astudillo
  • SS Malquin Canelo
  • RHP Preston Packrall
  • RHP Feliberto Sanchez
  • 1B Rhys Hoskins
  • OF Jiandido Tromp
  • RHP Seranthony Dominguez
  • LHP Elniery Garcia
  • LHP Denton Keys
  • RHP Franklyn Kilome
  • RHP Jason Zgardowski
  • SS Grenny Cumana
  • 3B Damek Tomscha
  • OF Venn Biter
  • RHP Randy Alcantara
  • RHP Steiner Carmona
  • RHP Wilkin Familia
  • RHP Gregorix Mateo
  • RHP Yonathan Trinidad
  • SS Braylin Carrasco
  • OF Yunior Reyes
  • DH Julsan Kamara
  • RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
  • LHP Oberdan Diaz
  • RHP Reiwal Gonzalez
  • LHP Tanis Lara
  • LHP Ranger Suarez
  • 3B Willerker Isava
  • OF Yorbys Tabares
  • OF Freddy Zorrilla

Three Bold Predictions

  • Without any concern for how poorly the 2015 season goes, the Phillies temporarily bring all of their outfield fences in 50 feet in an effort to restore some confidence for struggling hitters Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown. Darin Ruf hits 137 home runs.
  • Cliff Lee tries to pitch through the pain and reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form when he was basically the worst pitcher in baseball. Inspired by this transformation, outfielder Grady Sizemore also reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form, and is suddenly one of the best outfielders in baseball again. The trade-off is a wash, and the Phillies still lose 103 games.
  • After holding out for what 29 other MLB teams deemed to be far too much, Ruben Amaro Jr. finally trades Cole Hamels to Iran in exchange for a huge scale-back in nuclear developments, and a player to be named later.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

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Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

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Projected Lineup

SS: A Seedy Sex Crowbar

LF: Alexa Garden

1B: Harry Kozma

DH: King Grease Moor Allies

C: Saliva Derp Ares

RF: Elixer Hijos

2B: Home Harry Fun Time

3B: Mice Mushed Tacos

CF: Lawrence OK

SP: Your Dong Oven Churro

SP: Trey Song Forge Ass

SP: Gare Meager Us Tree

SP: Adding Son Vole Quest

SP: Dandied Huffy

Off-season Haiku

Well, James Shields is gone.

It was fun while it lasted.

Edinson Volquez?!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Alex Gordon off Cody Allen – 462 feet

This was probably the pinnacle of the Royals’ regular season run, a game-tying dinger in a late August game on national television. It was also absolutely destroyed.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Salvador Perez off Kirby Yates – 338 feet

The left field line situation at Tropicana is arguably even stranger than the Pesky Pole in Fenway. What the hell is that platform even doing there?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Aroni Nina
  • OF Whit Merrifield
  • LHP Tripp Davis
  • RHP Benino Pruneda
  • 1B Mark Threlkeld
  • 2B Justin Trapp
  • LHP Jonathan Dzeidzic
  • LHP Felix Familia
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • RHP Glenn Sparkman
  • LHP Daniel Stumpf
  • OF Daniel Rockett
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Igol Feliz
  • RHP Robinson Yambati
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Scott Blewett
  • LHP Enmanuel Camacho
  • LHP Estarlin Cordero
  • RHP Eric Sandness
  • LHP Dylan Sons
  • 2B D.J. Burt
  • 3B Manny Olloque
  • OF Amalani Fukofuka
  • OF Logan Moon
  • LHP Cruz Guevara
  • RHP Zach Lovvorn
  • LHP Eric Stout
  • SS Jeckson Flores
  • SS Marten Gasparini
  • 3B Wander Franco
  • OF DonAndre Clark
  • OF Brawlun Gomez
  • RHP Gerson Garabito
  • RHP Ofeidy Gomez
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • 1B Yorly Martinez
  • OF Jose Vital
  • OF Yeison Melo

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Terrence Gore makes the Opening Day roster as Kendrys Morales’ designated pinch-runner. Kendrys keeps Gore in his back pocket during at-bats and when he makes contact, he pulls him out and throws him towards first base.
  2. After successfully converting Below-Average Starter Wade Davis into All-Time Great Reliever Wade Davis, the Royals attempt to turn Below-Average Reliever Louis Coleman into All-Time Great Starter Louis Coleman. It doesn’t work.
  3. As a response to somewhat controversially stopping at third base in Game 7 of the World Series, Alex Gordon tries to score on every single ball he hits to the outfield during the year, leading to a record number of inside-the-park home runs and a litany of TOOTBLANs.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Tampa Bay Rays

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Projected Lineup

CF: Chess Mound Jeggings

DH: Chonge Ace Hoe

3B: Heaven Lawn Gorier

1B: Game Slow Knee

LF: Steep And Shoots A

RF: Cave Ink Heem Ire

SS: Ass Dribble Capybara

C: Ray Neigh Rave Hair

2B: Nike Frog Line

SP: Crew Starcher

SP: Mate More

SP: Juice My Lee

SP: Jay Code Whore Easy

SP: Al Licks Column Hey

Off-season Haiku

Is there anyone left?

Maddon, Friedman, Zobrist, Wil;

STEVEN SOUZA, THOUGH!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Sean Rodriguez off Shawn Kelley – 445 feet

Tampa lost a lot of talent this off-season, but in twenty years, we will look back at the Noted Slugger Sean Rodriguez for a PTNBL trade as their most disastrous move.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Wil Myers off Masahiro Tanaka – 335 feet

This bat flip from Myers wasn’t quite up to his standard, but it was still pretty solid.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Mayobanex Acosta
  • C Mike Marjama
  • SS Leonardo Reginatto
  • RHP Eduar Quinonez
  • C Maxx Tissenbaum
  • SS Juniel Quereceto
  • OF Marty Gantt
  • OF Boog Powell
  • OF Johnny Field
  • OF Granden Goetzman
  • RHP Buddy Borden
  • C Armando Araiza
  • OF Yoel Araujo
  • RHP Eli Echarry
  • RHP Enderson Franco
  • SS Alec Sole
  • RHP Hyrum Formo
  • RHP Yonny Chirinos
  • 2B Bill Pujols
  • RHP Brock Burke
  • LHP Cristopher Crisostomo
  • RHP Yael Regalado
  • RHP Abrahan Rodriguez
  • C Mark Clark
  • 3B Isias Alcantar
  • OF Cade Gotta
  • OF Zacrey Law
  • LHP Genesis Cabrera
  • RHP Jeffry Done
  • RHP Herminio Germoso
  • RHP Kendri Salvador
  • RHP Sandy Brito
  • RHP Estarly Cedeno
  • C Rafelin Lorenzo
  • 2B Jilbert Rosario
  • RHP Roimar Guarecuco
  • RHP Chander Sanz
  • 3B Pascual Fiorello
  • CF Randhi Balcazar
  • OF Eleardo Cabrera

Three Bold Predictions

  1. John Jaso’s return to Tampa Bay spawns a series of giant Nike We Are All Witnesses billboards throughout the city, featuring Jaso’s precious face.
  2. The Rays home opener is delayed twenty minutes when the entire team simultaneously forgets who they hired to replace Joe Maddon.
  3. Steven Souza struggles in April while Wil Myers blossoms into a legitimate All-Star talent in San Diego, as the Rays lose their second Wil Myers Trade™ in three years.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

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Projected Lineup

SS: Chin Meat Raw Wings

LF: Call Call Fjord

CF: Your Seal Pig

1B: Aid Rye Angle Souls

C: Ass Money Grundel

2B: A Weak A Drink

3B: Wander eBay

RF: Shock Beaters On

SP: Cleat Honker Shoe

SP: Saw Cranky

SP: Inching Wee Who

SP: Bring Them Car Thief

SP: Bread Handers On

Off-season Haiku

Where did Matt Kemp go?

Drastic Front Office changes;

Bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Hanley Ramirez off Jorge De La Rosa – 472 feet

Even in the rain, this was the 5th farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014. If Hanley hits one like that this year, the ball could go all the way to [insert Boston suburb you have the most family friends in]!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Scott Van Slyke off Wade Miley – 341 feet

The first thing you’ll notice is that they are playing the game in Australia. Remember that?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Red Patterson
  • 3B Buck Britton
  • SS Erisbel Arruebarrena
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Raydel Sanchez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • C Austin Chubb
  • 2B Casio Grider
  • 1B Justin Chigbogu
  • 1B Josmar Cordero
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • RHP Karch Kowalcyzk
  • RHP Abdiel Velasquez
  • C John Cannon
  • 3B Yensys Capellan
  • OF Billy Bereszniewicz
  • OF Andrew Godbold
  • RHP Danny Danielson
  • RHP Misja Harcksen
  • RHP Lenix Osuna
  • RHP Harlan Richter
  • RHP Sven Schuller
  • RHP Kam Uter
  • RHP M.J. Villegas
  • 1B Ibandel Isabel
  • OF Federico Celli
  • RHP Melvyn Forbes
  • LHP Osiris Ramirez
  • C Hendrik Clementina
  • C Gersel Pitre
  • C Alvaro Rubi
  • 3B Jimy Perez
  • OF Shakir Albert

Three Bold Predictions

  • In line with the organization’s new image the Dodgers formally change their name to the Los Angeles Nerds. The crowd chant of “LETS GO NERDS” during the playoffs inspires millions across the country.
  • Yasiel Puig finds a person named Cütof Mann and hits him in the face.
  • Juan Uribe hits a home run and consequently bat flips the bat over the center field wall. A little known MLB bylaw grants Uribe double the runs for his courageous display of raw strength.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Milwaukee Brewers

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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Logo Mets

C: Joe Nathan Luke Roy

RF: Rye and Brown

3B: Our Aim Is Ram Ears

1B: A Dim Lint

LF: Khrist Avis

2B: Scoot Her Gen Ed

SS: Genes O’Gura

SP: Matic R. Za

SP: Kai Ill OH SH–!

SP: Will He Pear Altar

SP: Mic Fires

SP: Gym Mean Hell Sun

Off-season Haiku

Hello, Adam Lind.

Not much else besides saying

So long, Gallardo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Rickie Weeks off Travis Wood – 464 feet

It’s not THAT rare for someone to hit a home run on to Waveland Avenue over the left field bleachers, but this was much closer to center field that it was to left. Ridiculous power. Weeks has already showed this spring that he can still hit home runs pretty freakin’ far, and it’ll be interesting to see how his power translates to Safeco.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Braun off David Carpenter – 345 feet

That’s 97 MPH chest high, and Braun just muscles it out down the right field line. Major league baseball players, man. They’re pretty good.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Wirfin Obispo
  • C Robinzon Diaz
  • OF Nathan Orf
  • OF D’Vontrey Richardson
  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • RHP Tommy Toledo
  • C Milan Post
  • OF Yunior Santana
  • 2B Jorge Quiterio
  • RHP Cy Sneed
  • C Natanael Mejia
  • 1B Alan Sharkey
  • LHP Boanerges Nova
  • RHP Nattino Diplan
  • RHP Axel Cordero
  • 2B Roosevert Chal
  • SS Franly Mallen
  • 1B Nicol Valderray
  • OF Joantgel Segovia

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After proving he can mash dingers at every professional level available to him and STILL not having an everyday role on an MLB team, Matt Clark decides to take advantage of the improved diplomatic relations with Cuba and heads south to play in the Cuban National Series for a year. He shatters Jose Abreu’s single-season home run record and becomes best friends with Yo’s family.
  2. Khris Davis’ OBP in the first half struggles to get above .280, forcing the Brewers front office to swap him out with Bernie the Brewer. Despite below-average defense in left, Bernie posts a .921 OPS with 23 dingers at home, each one prompting Davis to slide down the Miller Park Slide.
  3. Having announced during Spring Training that he is retiring after the 2015 season, Aramis Ramirez decides he wants a Jeter-esque retirement tour too. Struggling to come up with original gifts for Aramis, each MLB team decides to just give him Jeter-signed memorabilia instead.