2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Mets

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Projected Lineup

2B: Dangle Em Herpies

LF: My Kegel Dyer

3B: Dave Dried

1B: Lou Cast Tudor

C: Trapeze Doorknob

RF: Grotesque Ranger Sewn

SS: Will Mufflers

CF: On Land Cars

SP: Me Turvy

SP: Barter Loco Loan

SP: Jonny’s

SP: Squealer

SP: Shake Of Pogrom

Off-season Haiku

You got a shortstop?

One that’s not Wilmer Flores.

Where’s Rey Ordonez?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Kevin Correia – 457 feet

Lucas Duda quietly hit 30 home runs in 2014. This was the longest of those 30.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Vance Worley – 341 feet

Wait, Lucas Duda hit 30 home runs in 2014? Huh. This was the shortest of those 30.

Best Names in the Farm System

  •  RHP Rainy Lara
  • C Xorge Carillo
  • OF Maikis De La Cruz
  • RHP Dawrin Frias
  • RHP Chris Flexen
  • RHP Persio Reyes
  • LHP Paul Paez
  • SS Yeixon Ruiz
  • 3B Nelfi Zapata
  • OF Champ Stuart
  • RHP Gaither Bumgardner
  • RHP Martires Arias
  • RHP Scarlyn Reyes
  • RHP Edioglis Villasmil
  • OF Tucker Tharp
  • RHP Nicco Blank
  • RHP Yoryi Nuez
  • LHP David Roseboom
  • OF Wuilmer Becerra
  • RHP Nabil Crismatt
  • 1B Dash Winningham
  • OF Hengelbert Rojas
  • RHP Gregorix Estevez
  • RHP Merandy Gonzalez
  • RHP Luis Popa
  • RHP Ygnacio Rondon
  • RHP Bladimil Vallejo
  • 3B Yeffry De Aza
  • 3B Rigoberto Terrazas
  • OF Ysidro Pierre
  • RHP Wuender Fernandez
  • RHP Enmanuel Berihuete

Three Bold Predictions

  • Noah Syndergaard gets called up in May and opens his own Which Wich sandwich shop inside the Mets clubhouse. Bobby Parnell asks for a trade.
  • Bartolo Colon shows up to spring training in the best shape of his life: spherical.
  • Mets fans will be disappointed with the season. Wait. That’s not bold.
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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

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Projected Lineup

CF: Cookie Christ

2B: Benz O’Bris

RF: Juicer Dick

DH: Bile Heave Butt Hurt

1B: Hiked A Vince

3B: Bread Lottery

C: Steve And Boat

LF: Gray Egg Entry

SS: Mark A. Seaman

SP: Saw Nag Ray

SP: Ascot A Cat A Shmear

SP: Chest Each Haves

SP: Droop Homer Hands

SP: Chest Eon

Off-season Haiku

Traded Donaldson,

and then everybody else.

Totally new team.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Nate Freiman off Mike Minor – 459 feet

This was definitely one of those points in the ESPN broadcast where the commentators are taking a break from actually doing play-by-play because they don’t know much about who is hitting, and then Giant Human Nate Freiman hits this ridiculous dinger to center and they’re not sure how to react. 22nd farthest home run of 2014!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yoenis Cespedes off Matt Daley – 335 feet

Pause the video at contact and try to comprehend how this resulted in a home run. In conclusion: Yo.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Deck McGuire
  • 3B Alden Carrithers
  • 3B Niuman Romero
  • OF Zeke DeVoss
  • 2B Conner Crumbliss
  • 3B Miles Head
  • 1B Max Muncy
  • C Nick Rickles
  • RHP Dominique Vattuone
  • SS Yairo Munoz
  • OF J.P. Sportman
  • RHP Travis Pitcher
  • C Iolana Akau
  • C Andy Paz
  • C Argenis Raga
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga
  • OF Vicmal De La Cruz
  • OF Rodolfo Penalo
  • RHP Ruber Aquino
  • LHP Reinaldo Hoyos
  • LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
  • RHP Emerson Nelo
  • RHP Wilfredo Magallanes
  • RHP Gerardo Vilchez
  • C Jesus Monserratt
  • 1B Sandber Pimentel
  • OF Yhoelnys Gonzalez
  • OF Gean Rigby

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Billy Beane tries to trade Josh Reddick in April but ESPN won’t let him because he’s reached his Acquisition Limit for the month.
  2. Outfielder Sam Fuld hits .500 for the entire month of April, prompting yet another 10,000 word section in his already obscenely long Wikipedia page.
  3. Unaware of the Coliseum’s world-renowned sewage problems, frat star Brett Lawrie leaves an upper decker in the clubhouse bathroom, resulting in an ungodly flood of cataclysmic proportions, ultimately forcing the A’s to build a new stadium. Thanks, Brett!

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Detroit Tigers

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Projected Lineup

2B: He And King Slurp

CF: Ray Jade Avis

1B: Mink Elk Appear Uh

DH: Sphinx Termer Teens

RF: Your Anus Say PED’s

LF: Jane D Marty’s Knees

3B: Knee Kissed Allan Goes

C: Alexa Vile

SS: Hoe Says Igloo Says

SP: Day Per Ice

SP: Juice Denver Lanyard

SP: On The Balls Hand Cheese

SP: Shame Careen

SP: Elf Rodeos I’m On

Off-season Haiku

Bye, Rich Porn Seller!

Detroit smells like dinger time.

Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off Tyler Matzek – 445 feet

“Hit a ton, but there’s a lot of room out there for Stubbs OH NOPE IT’S MIGUEL CABRERA ALRIGHT”

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Miguel Cabrera off John Lackey – 329 feet

This would be a foul ball at your local little league park.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Jheyson Manzueta
  • RHP Guido Knudson
  • RHP Warwick Saupold
  • RHP Endrys Briceno
  • RHP Whit Mayberry
  • RHP Montreal Robertson
  • RHP Scott Sitz
  • LHP Trent Szkutnik
  • C Grayson Greiner
  • C Arvicent Perez
  • 1B Dominic Ficociello
  • OF Raph Rhymes
  • RHP Josh Laxer
  • RHP Confesor Lara
  • RHP Cale Elam
  • RHP Gage Smith
  • 3B Joey Pankake
  • C James Philibossian
  • 1B Corey Baptist
  • 1B Giancarlo Bugnoni
  • OF Orvin Tovar
  • 1B Magglio Ordonez Jr.
  • RHP Wildenson Yanez
  • RHP Adenson Verastegui
  • RHP Jesus Paricaguan
  • LHP Eudis Idrogo
  • C Andres Sthormes
  • C Jheyser Azuaje
  • 2B Keyder Aristigueta
  • 1B Junnell Ledezma
  • RHP Yei Almonte
  • RHP Franchi Batista
  • LHP Derlin Espinal
  • RHP Janry Obispo
  • SS Isrrael De La Cruz
  • 2B Eurys Felipe
  • 2B Gregoris Hidalgo
  • OF Sauris Mejia
  • OF Ignacio Valdez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Justin Verlander starts wearing size Men’s Large baseball pants instead of Youth Medium pants. The switch increases circulation in his lower half and propels him back to Cy Young form.
  • 6″7′ outfield prospect Steven Moya breaks camp with the Tigers but plays small forward for the Pistons until they want to start his service clock. He wins Eastern Conference Rookie of the Month for April.
  • Yoenis Cespedes wins his 3rd consecutive Home Run Derby with an Internet-pleasing, record-breaking 69 total home runs. His legend grows exponentially when he exhausts every “BACK BACK BACK” Chris Berman has left in the tank, rendering him unconscious for the entire final round.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Yankees

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Projected Lineup

LF: Bet Carton Her

CF: Jay Cubby Hells Perry

RF: Carl O’Spelled Wrong

C: Prying My Gang

1B: Marked Escher-A

3B: Shake Said Lee

DH: Carriage Owns

2B: Steve Andrew

SS: Deed Eager Glorious

SP: Sea Seesaw Bath Yeehaw

SP: Massive Hero Tanker

SP: My Kelp An Nader

SP: Neigh Thin Ne-Yo Balding

SP: Crisp Cup Toronto

Off-season Haiku

They’ll get Scherzer, right?

Lester? Hanley? Moncada?!?!

Nope. Just Chase Headley.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Carlos Beltran off Edward Mujica – 434 feet

This relatively unspectacular Farthest Home Run of 2014 is yet another example of the Yankees’ relatively unspectacular 2014.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brett Gardner off Marcus Stroman – 331 feet

This home run was terrible but man, even when he gives up home runs, I continue to be extremely impressed by Marcus Stroman. Dat movement.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Andury Acevedo
  • RHP Wilking Rodriguez
  • RHP Nick Rumbelow
  • OF Slade Heathcott
  • LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
  • RHP Nick Goody
  • RHP Zach Nuding
  • 1B Greg Bird
  • OF Jake Cave
  • LHP Dietrich Enns
  • RHP Brett Gerritse
  • SS Cito Culver
  • 2B Angelo Gumbs
  • 2B Derek Toadvine
  • OF Ericson Leonora
  • OF Danny Oh
  • RHP Cale Coshow
  • RHP Rookie Davis
  • RHP Giovanny Gallegos
  • LHP Justin Kamplain
  • LHP Evan Rutckyj
  • C Kale Valera
  • SS Abiatal Avelino
  • 1B Bubba Jones
  • OF Yeicok Calderon
  • OF Claudio Custodio
  • LHP Andrew Chin
  • C Radley Haddad
  • SS Vicente Conde
  • SS Jose Javier
  • 3B Renzo Martini
  • RHP Dayton Dawe
  • LHP Jonny Drozd
  • RHP Deshorn Lake
  • RHP Manolo Reyes
  • LHP Orby Tavares
  • C Roybell Herrera
  • SS Thairo Estrada
  • C Rainiero Coa
  • SS Angel Aguilar
  • SS Yancarlos Baez
  • LHP Havid Burgos
  • RHP Raynel Espinal
  • RHP Anyelo Gomez
  • RHP Raudy Guzman
  • RHP Hershelon Juliana
  • RHP Bringnel Mendez
  • C Jerry Seitz
  • SS Griffin Garabito
  • 2B Welfrin Mateo
  • OF Greidy Encarnacion
  • OF Dario Unda
  • RHP Freddery Arias
  • RHP Jeris Casanova
  • LHP Corby McCoy
  • RHP Leyfer Ramirez
  • C Algeni Mateo
  • 2B Tirson Guzman
  • SS Yonauris Rodriguez
  • OF Yeangel Pujols
  • OF Wascar Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Alex Rodriguez plays 150 games, and hits over .300 with 40+ dingers. The New York Post sports section goes out of business soon thereafter.
  • Towards the end of spring training, Didi Gregorius legally changes his name to “Derek Jeter”, making life hell for Michael Kay and David Cone up in the booth.
  • Mark Teixeira loses 24 pounds, but his lap gains 32 pounds.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

charlie brown dinger

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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Leap Lake Man

RF: Car Lost Gun Soles

SS: Trout Who Lauren Ski

1B: Trusting Borneo

3B: No Lanyard Hey Nando

LF: Corny Tick Carton

C: Whaling Row Sorry Hoe

2B: Teach A Lame Hay Hue

SP: Whore Aiding La-Toaster

SP: Shoeless Chasing

SP: Caulk Header Ink

SP: Gourd and Liars

SP: Dialer Matchstick

Off-season Haiku

ARE THEY FINALLY

GONNA TRADE TULOWITZKI?

No. Of course not. Stop.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Mike Minor – 468 feet

This homer made it 10-6 in the fourth inning. #Coors4Ever

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brandon Barnes off Sergio Romo – 304 feet

This was easily one of the craziest plays of the entire 2014 season, and a healthy reminder that Brandon Barnes had over 300 plate appearances for the Rockies last year.

Shortest Actual Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Cole Hamels – 351 feet

Rosario has his fair share of flaws as a baseball player, particularly defensively: he’s lead the league in passed balls for each of the past three years. However, hitting baseballs over the fence is not a problem for Mr. Rosario.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Boshers
  • 2B Angelys Nina
  • RHP Nate Striz
  • 3B Jayson Langfels
  • SS Trevor Story
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Rayan Gonzalez
  • RHP Alving Mejias
  • C Abel Baker
  • OF Kyle Von Tungeln
  • 3B Dean Espy
  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • RHP Matt Pierpont
  • C Ashley Graeter
  • C Cambric Moye
  • SS Emerson Jimenez
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • OF Raimel Tapia
  • RHP Eric Nedeljkovic
  • RHP Joel Payamps
  • LHP Helmis Rodriguez
  • RHP Grahamm Wiest
  • RHP Chad Zurat
  • 2B Sam Bumpers
  • OF Denzel Richardson
  • OF Marcos Derkes
  • LHP Yoely Bello
  • RHP Gavin Glanz
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • 2B Forrest Wall
  • OF Omar Carrizales
  • LHP Breiling Eusebio
  • RHP Salvador Justo
  • RHP Lorenz Ozuna
  • RHP Yohander Quintana
  • RHP Alejandro Requena
  • RHP Ismael Viloria
  • C Hidekel Gonzalez
  • C Wilkyns Jimenez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Charlie Blackmon and Corey Dickerson morph into one amorphous blob named Charcor Blackdick.
  • After months of research, scientists discover that the only way to keep the ball from flying so far at Coors Field is to hot-box the entire stadium. Coors Field instantly boasts the highest attendance in the National League.
  •  Troy Tulowitzki is playing for the Denver Nuggets by August.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cincinnati Reds

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bile He Milton

3B: Turd Frizzer

1B: Shoe Heave Otter

C: Diving Messy Rocky

RF: Gabe Ruse

2B: Browned Hen Flips

LF: Maryland Purred

SS: Sack O’Shart

SP: Chaw Knee Kuwait Her

SP: Home Orb Allie

SP: My Clique

SP: Toe Niece Ingrained

SP: Die Linux Hell Road

Off-season Haiku

Latos, Simon: gone.

Marlon Byrd in left field now.

PLEASE STAY, CUETO! PLEASE!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Ludwick off Yohan Flande – 458 feet

At :10, Yohan Flande expresses two decades-worth of Coors Field frustration with a single look.
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brayan Pena off Jim Henderson – 340 feet

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Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Donovan Hand
  • RHP Euclides Leyer
  • 1B Marquez Smith
  • 2B Hernan Iribarren
  • 3B Irving Falu
  • RHP El’Hajj Muhammad
  • SS Zach Vincej
  • OF Beau Amaral
  • OF Jeff Gelalich
  • OF Sebastian Elizalde
  • C Chad Tromp
  • SS Carlton Daal
  • 1B Avain Rachal
  • RHP Tejay Antone
  • RHP Soid Marquez
  • C Shedric Long
  • 1B Argenis Aldazoro
  • 3B Alberti Chavez
  • SS Josciel Veras
  • OF Aristides Aquino
  • RHP Israel Cuevas
  • RHP Franderlyn Romero
  • LHP Mason Felt
  • C Mitch Trees
  • SS Montrell Marshall
  • OF Narciso Crook
  • OF Reydel Medina
  • OF Jose Siri
  • OF Jonathan Martijn
  • RHP Wendolyn Bautista
  • RHP Eriberto Garcia
  • LHP Yean Paredes
  • RHP Adolfi Telleria
  • C Pabel Manzanero
  • 1B Derik Capitillo
  • OF Sucre Doval

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Todd Frazier, easily the most dad player in all of MLB, fulfills his destiny by getting traded to the Padres at the trade deadline for Rymer Lirano and Yangervis Solarte’s credit card debt.
  2. Three more casual Reds fans finally learn who Zack Cozart is.
  3. Billy Hamilton gets a 50 game suspension after an umpire discovers that his blazing speed on the basepaths has been aided by wheels at the bottom of his cleats. That’s right people; Billy Hamilton wears Heelys to work.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Miami Marlins

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Projected Lineup

2B: Dig Or Down

LF: Cries Tunnel Itch

RF: Junk Harlots Tanking

1B: My Shell Mouse

CF: Morsel Ozone

3B: More Temp Hardo

C: Chair Heads A Turtle My Kia

SS: Aid O’Niece Have Area

SP: O’Safe Or Andes

SP: Mettle A Toast

SP: Hand Her Son All Bores

SP: Shared Coke Shart

SP: Dang A Rang

Off-season Haiku

Giancarlo got PAID.

Latos, Dee Gordon, Mike Morse,

They signed Ichiro!!!!!11!1!!!!!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Giancarlo Stanton off Eric Stults – 484 feet

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Garrett Jones off Gonzalez Germen – 352 feet

And to think, Garrett Jones is about to play 81 games at Yankee Stadium. The lame RF home runs have only just begun!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Lay Batista
  • 3B Terrence Dayleg
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • C Chadd Krist
  • C Sharif Othman
  • SS Yosmany Guerra
  • OF Jesus Solorzano
  • RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
  • LHP Stone Speer
  • C Chris Hoo
  • 3B Rehiner Cordova
  • 3B J.T. Riddle
  • OF Yefri Perez
  • RHP Juancito Martinez
  • RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
  • C Rodrigo Vigil
  • 2B Iramis Olivencia
  • RHP Ayron Adames
  • SS Justin Twine
  • OF Stone Garrett
  • OF Anfernee Seymour
  • OF Isael Soto
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • LHP Mauricio Atizol
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • LHP Jose Quijada
  • SS Garvis Lara
  • 1B Yobanis Pinto
  • 2B Leisman Acosta
  • 3B Yefry Reyes

Three Bold Predictions

  • In celebration of signing his $325 million contract, Giancarlo Stanton decides to pimp out his home away from home: right field at Marlins Park. Upgrades will include ripping up the natural grass in order to lay down an expensive handwoven Persian rug, flat screens on the right field wall, and a mini-fridge down the line so Giancarlo can have his hilariously enormous bottles of champagne whenever he wants.
  • Jose Fernandez comes back, but isn’t close to the same. He now wants to be known as Giancarlo Fernandez.
  • Dee Gordon falls in love with Long John Silver’s, eats frozen fish-sticks for 60% of his meals, gains 14o pounds, and is out of baseball by July.