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Projected Lineup

CF: My Caleb Horn

1B: Knee Cuz Wisher

LF: My Caleb Errantly

3B: Kyle Lohse Antenna

C: On Gnomes

2B: J. Sunk Hip Knees

1B: Brain Dead Moose

DH: Lawn Niche His And All

SS: France Disco Indoor

SP: Corniche Lube Her

SP: Car Locker Ask Hoe

SP: Tee Rev Her Bee Hour

SP: Teach A Oust

SP: Denice Ala Czar

Off-season Haiku

Gavin Floyd, Bruce Chen,

Stole Brandon Moss from Oakland,

And that’s about it!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lonnie Chisenhall off Matt Shoemaker – 446 feet

You gotta love the defeated “aw man” kick of the dust from Shoemaker here. Unfortunately, the camera guy kinda sorta totally screwed up this shot, so it’s hard to tell where exactly the ball initially landed, but anywhere near the back of that bullpen is pretty insane.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jose Ramirez off Brandon McCarthy – 338 feet

This was Jose Ramirez’s first career home run. I’m pretty sure Younger Ichiro could have scaled the wall there and made the catch.

Best Names in the Farm System

• RHP Jeff Manship
• RHP Enosil Tejeda
• OF Destin Hood
• RHP Duke von Schamann
• RHP Grant Sides
• RHP Michael Peoples
• 3B Yandy Riaz
• 3B Yhoxian Medina
• OF Torsten Boss
• LHP Wander Beras
• RHP Dace Kime
• C Sicnarf Loopstok
• OF Dorssys Paulino
• OF Mike Papi
• RHP J.P. Feyereisen
• RHP Kieran Lovegrove <3
• 2B Ordomar Valdez
• OF David Armendariz
• OF D’vone McClure
• RHP Argenis Angulo
• RHP Yoiber Marquina
• LHP Justus Sheffield
• 3B Grofi Cruz
• OF Silento Sayles
• OF Jodd Carter
• RHP Rainer Florez
• RHP Alejandro Izaguirre
• RHP Bijelic Mena
• RHP Felix Tati
• RHP Rodolfo Villasmil
• 3B Erlin Cerda
• 2B Hazent Torrealba
• SS Jorma Rodriguez
• 3B Efrin Ortega
• OF Junior Soto
• OF Yosmar Mujica

Three Bold Predictions

1. Under heavy fire for their mascot and name, the Indians sign Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, the pitchers from Million Dollar Arm. The press release simply reads, “You happy now?”
2. Carlos Santana and Carlos Santana pee in the same fountain and undergo a Freaky Friday situation with each other. Musician Carlos Santana inside the body of baseball player Carlos Santana struggles mightily throughout the season while baseball player Carlos Santana inside the body of musician Carlos Santana bombs a series of live performances. The two eventually switch back during Game 7 of the World Series before the national anthem and all is well.
3. In order to make sure that his achievement last season never fades away, Corey Kluber legally changes his name to “Cy Young Award Winner Corey Kluber.”