Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!
2B: Dig Or Down
LF: Cries Tunnel Itch
RF: Junk Harlots Tanking
1B: My Shell Mouse
CF: Morsel Ozone
3B: More Temp Hardo
C: Chair Heads A Turtle My Kia
SS: Aid O’Niece Have Area
SP: O’Safe Or Andes
SP: Mettle A Toast
SP: Hand Her Son All Bores
SP: Shared Coke Shart
SP: Dang A Rang
Off-season Haiku
Giancarlo got PAID.
Latos, Dee Gordon, Mike Morse,
They signed Ichiro!!!!!11!1!!!!!
Farthest Home Run of 2014
Giancarlo Stanton off Eric Stults – 484 feet
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Garrett Jones off Gonzalez Germen – 352 feet
And to think, Garrett Jones is about to play 81 games at Yankee Stadium. The lame RF home runs have only just begun!
Best Names in the Farm System
- LHP Pat Urckfitz
- RHP Lay Batista
- 3B Terrence Dayleg
- 1B Viosergy Rosa
- C Chadd Krist
- C Sharif Othman
- SS Yosmany Guerra
- OF Jesus Solorzano
- RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
- LHP Stone Speer
- C Chris Hoo
- 3B Rehiner Cordova
- 3B J.T. Riddle
- OF Yefri Perez
- RHP Juancito Martinez
- RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
- C Rodrigo Vigil
- 2B Iramis Olivencia
- RHP Ayron Adames
- SS Justin Twine
- OF Stone Garrett
- OF Anfernee Seymour
- OF Isael Soto
- OF Galvi Moscat
- LHP Mauricio Atizol
- RHP Yonqueli Perez
- LHP Jose Quijada
- SS Garvis Lara
- 1B Yobanis Pinto
- 2B Leisman Acosta
- 3B Yefry Reyes
Three Bold Predictions
- In celebration of signing his $325 million contract, Giancarlo Stanton decides to pimp out his home away from home: right field at Marlins Park. Upgrades will include ripping up the natural grass in order to lay down an expensive handwoven Persian rug, flat screens on the right field wall, and a mini-fridge down the line so Giancarlo can have his hilariously enormous bottles of champagne whenever he wants.
- Jose Fernandez comes back, but isn’t close to the same. He now wants to be known as Giancarlo Fernandez.
- Dee Gordon falls in love with Long John Silver’s, eats frozen fish-sticks for 60% of his meals, gains 14o pounds, and is out of baseball by July.
