We were out at the Hagerstown Suns game all night, so I have absolutely no clue what happened in the national ballbasket draft, but based on my past knowledge of the sport, I’ll recap the night’s exciting action the best I can. Even if I have no clue who was taken by who when where why what which whatever.

THE PICKS

 THE FIRST PICK – 6″7 Athletic  Player From Marginally Impressive University

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Exciting player with impressive wingspan; plenty of upside; plays basketball; has good relationship with his parents; can dunk; knows how to win; plays the game the right way; has a nice smile; this is an upside play; fantastic athlete; can do a lot of things with the basketball; huge potential

THE SECOND PICK – Fun To Watch Undersized Guard Who Made A Lot Of Big Shots For Big School

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Wow; wow!; whoa; he is fun; makes big shots; he is probably not taller than 5″10 but he has a big heart; wow, he is so fun to watch; he once took 67 shots in one game; he did that thing in that tournament with that basketball; fun to watch

THE THIRD PICK – Incredibly Caucasian Seven-Footer Who Looks Awkward But Is Seven Feet Tall

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Gamer; enjoys basketball; has work to do offensively; can block some shots; is white; is not black; not noticeably athletic; solid defender; we will see how his game translates to the NBA; has long arms because he is tall; his game will not translate to the NBA; is white

THE FOURTH PICK – Mysterious Lanky European Whose Name Would Be Automatic Victory In Scrabble

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: We don’t know; he is athletic; can dunk; he can dunk; did you see that dunk?; look at that dunk; has attractive girlfriend; will stay in Europe because reasons; enjoys gyros; has averaged 4.3 points per game but is definitely a top prospect; is somewhere between the ages of 14 and 23; hates airplanes; will never actually come to the United States

THE FIFTH PICK – That Guy Who Has Overcome So Much To Get To This Point, Wow, How Inspirational

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Incredible story; he has come so far; his background is tragic; he started from the bottom; grew up without one parent; grew up in a bad neighborhood; unclear if he can play basketball but wow, he has come so far; amazing makeup; loves the game; great story; did we mention the adversity he has faced?; can dribble; needs a haircut

THE SIXTH PICK – Whoa Did Not See That Pick Coming Can Someone Figure Out Who He Is Please

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Ummmm; it appears he attended (name of small school in the mid-west); he once scored 74 points in a game; here is some grainy video of him dominating in high school; uhhhhhh; this is a head-scratcher but I am sure that Team X knows something we don’t

THE SEVENTH PICK – Famous Guy Who Is Injured But Is Famous Wow Look At His Expensive Suit 

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Superstar coming out of high school; broke all of his bones doing something non-basketball related; can really play basketball; unsure if he will be healthy; will not be able to play for three years but man he is really good at basketball; was on the cover of Sports Illustrated when he was seven years old; he is so famous; has a lot of Twitter followers which is important because we don’t have any highlights of him playing because he hasn’t played in two years; presumably awesome at basketball

THE EIGHTH PICK – African Guy Who First Picked Up A Basketball Three Weeks Ago But Wow He Is Special

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Amazing story; is from Africa; still learning English; when he was in Africa, he played basketball in specific interesting condition that us privileged Americans could never fathom; is already really good at English which shows his off-the-charts maturity and intellect; is eight feet tall; is trying to make it in the NBA for his fourteen siblings back home; he loves his mom

THE NINTH PICK – Basketball Player From Small School That Made That Shot In That Tournament Thing

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Hero; he was the hero; performed heroic acts of hero-ness; will always be the hero; did not make it past the second round; still a hero; beloved by Small University X; can really shoot the three; basically only shoots the three; such a hero; that buzzer-beater was the greatest moment in the history of sports; he made that shot; unclear if he will ever play any NBA minutes

THE TENTH PICK – White Point Guard Who Is A Leader On And Off The Court

• INSTANT ANALYSIS: Such a leader; is a floor general; is respected; does charity work; his teammates love him; look at this crafty alley-oop he threw to his significantly more talented teammate; will find a way to succeed in the NBA; knows how to win; high basketball IQ; always makes the right decision; coaches love him; joke about how he might run for office some day; he will probably not run for office some day; high basketball IQ; has leadership qualities that you cannot teach; high basketball IQ

That’s all I got.