Baseball is full of acronyms. Everywhere you look, be it a box score, stadium, or Baseball Prospectus, you see acronyms. These acronyms have meaning to us because we know what they stand for. Those three or four or five letters, when strung together, bring to life a particular image in our head.

But what if they didn’t? What if a baseball writer, let’s call him… Thug Doorburn, had an accident and got amnesia? What would these acronyms come to mean to Thug? How would Thug approach this random alphabet soup? I think it would go a little something like this……

Stat: ERA

What We Think: Earned Run Average

What Thug Thinks: Everyone’s Real Age

Thought Process: “Well, these players have ages” Thug will ponder to himself at night alone on his floral pattern couch. “But are they the real ages….?” Good point, Thug. Good point.

Calculations: Player 1’s Age + Player 2’s age + Player 3’s age…….

League Leader: N/A. This is more of a league wide stat.

Stat: BABIP

What We Think: Batting Average on Balls In Play

What Thug Thinks: Balls that Are Bunted plus Infield Popups

Thought Process: Thug will watch maddeningly as players waste outs with useless bunts. He will realize that the only way to fix this dilemma is to add those bunts to popups to show everyone all the useless outs.

Calculations: It’s pretty self explanatory. 

League Leader: Probably either Elvis Andrus or Pete Kozma

Stat: WHIP

What We Think: Walks Hits Innings Pitched

What Thug Thinks: Width of Hips Innings Pitched

Thought Process: It’s important to know who is pitching a lot of innings right? Thug has figured this out and has realized that the fatness of a player contributes to his innings count. 

Calculations: The width of a player’s midsection divided by his innings pitched.

League Leader: Chris Sale. Forever Chris Sale.

Stat: WARP

What We Think: Wins Above Replacement Player

What Thug Thinks: Which Arm Really Pitches?

Thought Process: Before the accident, Thug was a fantastic analyst when it came to pitching mechanics. But ever since he has been confused about the concept of lefties and righties. “DOESN’T EVERYONE HAVE TWO ARMS?” Thug would scream at the ceiling “WHICH ONE IS REALLY PITCHING?”

Calculations: Less of a stat and more of an observation, but it is calculated by adding up the total number of arms used to pitch.

League Leader: Minor league leader would be Pat Venditte with two arms used. Major League leader is Buddy Groom who is tied for the lead with one arm used.