Tha BBQ Part II

This was the first post on this website:

didi

With that horrible joke in mind, we’d like to formally welcome you to the last post on this website.

Hey everybody, Jake Mintz, Jordan Shusterman here. We’ve been teasing some news now for a while and the day has come to finally explain ourselves.

As some of you know, we graduated college a few weeks ago. One of the many shitty things about graduating college is that afterwards you’re usually expected to get a job and make money and stuff. After four years of dicking around on this website and on the Internet in general, the time has finally come for us to face reality and get our sorry asses a job. Now we have to do adult things like cleaning up dishes and peeing in the toilet and paying a mortgage (honest thing: I don’t know what a mortgage consists of. Is it a physical thing? Can I trade it? Does someone win? I don’t know…).

Lucky for us, we are happy to announce that we have in fact successfully obtained an ADULT JOB™. Even more lucky for us, said job will not stop us from watching an unhealthy amount of baseball on a regular basis. In fact, said job encourages such behavior! Starting this week, you can find whatever the heck it is that we do on MLB.com, primarily on Cut4 (where you may have seen some videos from us over the past year). Today is our first day at the offices in NYC (cubicles are weird, I want to rearrange all of them to fit together like Tetris blocks… apparently ADHD doesn’t subside when you graduate college), where we’ll be working regularly to produce entertaining baseball-related #content, as opposed to just whenever we don’t have too much homework to do. So while the BBQ as currently presented to you will be no more, there is a bigger and better version on the way.

When we started this thing four years ago in my living room during a game of MVP Baseball 2004, we never expected it to get us a job or even get us a following, let alone a follower. The whole journey from December 2012 to now has been inexplicable and hilarious.

OG stop on the OG road trip circa July 2013

OG stop on the OG road trip circa July 2013

The first game we attended together as the BBQ was in July of 2013. We drove from our homes near Washington D.C. to Clinton, Iowa and paid ten dollars to watch the Clinton LumberKings take on the Cedar Rapids Kernels (19-year-old Jose Berrios actually started that game!).

The most recent game we attended together was Game 5 of the 2017 World Series at Wrigley Field. Before the game we made a video with a Cubs pitcher in the dugout and then watched the game in the auxiliary press box. I guess life is like baseball: weird, unpredictable and running around in a circle might actually get you somewhere.

It sounds dumb and cliche, because it is, but we owe a lot of it to you people. Jordan and I always say that the most enjoyable part of Twitter is seeing what funny stuff people tweet at us. There’s only two of us and there’s thousands of you, so your collective humor is miles better than anything we could ever come up with. So yeah, thanks. Don’t expect a card or a hug or anything, but still, thanks for making it super worth breaking Rule #1 all the time.

We also want to thank our parents for keeping us alive for 21+ years and supporting (almost) all of our BBQ-related decisions over the past four years, Kendall Guillemette being our behind-the-scenes tech magician and one of our earliest supporters, and of course, Yoenis Cespedes for being the most entertaining, bizarre, and captivating dude in baseball. If Yo wasn’t Yo, we’d just be two lame dorky unemployed guys who just graduated college. Instead, we’re two lame dorky employed guys who just graduated college. Thanks, Yo.

So now what are we gonna do? That’s a really good question. Over the next few weeks our role at MLB.com will become clearer, but there are a few things you can definitely expect. We’ll be working mostly with the kind, talented, and deceptively athletic folks over at Cut4. We’ll also be focused on developing a bunch of video content for them, in studio, at parks, in the house, with a mouse, etc. And yes, we’ll still be tweeting goofy baseball shit @cespedesbbq and posting silly Snapchats at the same handle.

I think I speak for Jordan and I — actually I know I speak for us because I am me and he edited this — when I say that MLB’s resources, access, and platform will allow us to do way more cool stuff that will be available for your eyeballs. As White Sox legend Michael Jordan once said, “The ceiling is the roof.”

People always talked about what would happen if Bo Jackson quit football and dedicated himself only to baseball. We’ve always talked about what if the BBQ quit school and dedicated itself exclusively to baseball jokes. Well, time to see if Yo is Bo…

BBQ signing off… for now.

salt flats

HOUSEKEEPING (a couple important FYIs about where you can find our stuff/contact us):

  • Our Twitter (@CespedesBBQ) will remain active and operated by both of us. Nothing changes on that front.
  • Same thing goes for our Snapchat, which we will hopefully start to pick back up now that this is our job and not our hobby (also @cespedesbbq). Snapchat is also the best way to reach us if you have a question or wanna tell us something — we are far more likely to respond on there than on Twitter. You can also still e-mail us at cespedesfb@gmail.com. 
  • The Barbecast in its current form will be ending this week. Our final regular Barbecast (Episode 110, the Podultimate Pod) is available now. Our final see-ya-later Barbecast (AKA the BarbeLast) will be released soon and will basically just be us saying a lot of this post out loud + a few special guests. The current plan is to keep all past episodes available here on our site and on iTunes for you to peruse. You can find a list of links to all old episodes + which special guests were featured on each on by clicking here.

 

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

mauer wow

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet

This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet

That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mark Hamburger
  • SS Argenis Diaz
  • 3B Heiker Meneses
  • OF Mike Kvasnicka
  • RHP D.J. Baxendale
  • RHP Nick Burdi
  • RHP Tim Shibuya
  • 3B Niko Goodrum
  • LHP Mat Batts
  • C Alex Swim
  • SS Engelb Vielma
  • OF Tanner English
  • LHP Cameron Booser
  • RHP J.T. Chargois
  • RHP C.K. Irby
  • RHP Keaton Steele
  • C Brett Doe
  • 2B Will Hurt
  • LHP Onas Farfan
  • RHP Onesimo Hernandez
  • RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
  • RHP Callan Pearce
  • RHP Matz Schutte
  • LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
  • LHP Reyson Zoquiel
  • C Jarrard Poteete
  • C Rainis Silva
  • SS Zaino Henriquez
  • 3B Ruar Verkerk
  • OF Dubal Baez
  • OF Zach Granite
  • OF Amaurys Minier
  • RHP Robener Cabrera
  • RHP Brusdar Graterol
  • RHP Ramses Herrera
  • LHP Jadison Jimenez
  • RHP Johan Quezada
  • LHP Fredderi Soto
  • RHP Huascar Ynoa
  • C Darling Cuesto
  • OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

  • The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
  • Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
  • Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
  • RHP Tiago Da Silva
  • RHP Arik Sikula
  • 1B L.B. Dantzler
  • SS Shane Opitz
  • RHP Adonys Cardona
  • LHP Francisco Gracesqui
  • RHP Starlyn Suriel
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • SS Dawel Lugo
  • 2B Dickie Joe Thon
  • OF Derrick Loveless
  • OF Chaz Frank
  • RHP Mark Biggs
  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • C Max Pentecost
  • SS Gunnar Heidt
  • 1B Ryan McBroom
  • 1B Rowdy Tellez
  • OF Boomer Collins
  • OF Roemon Fields
  • RHP Hansel Rodriguez
  • 2B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Yeltsin Gudino
  • LHP Juliandry Higuera
  • LHP Kelyn Jose
  • RHP Luis Zerpa
  • 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

  • Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
  • In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
  • Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet

This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet

This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • OF Gorkys Hernandez
  • RHP Matt Benedict
  • C Dwight Childs
  • 2B Gift Ngoepe
  • RHP Yhonathan Barrios
  • RHP Jhondaniel Medina
  • RHP Tyler Sample
  • 1B D.J. Crumlich
  • OF Raul Fortunato
  • OF Jonathan Schwind
  • RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
  • C Kawika Emsley-Pai
  • SS JaCoby Jones
  • OF Maximo Rivera
  • RHP Montana DuRapau
  • RHP Sam Street
  • C Deybi Garcia
  • 2B Trace Tam Sing
  • RHP Marek Minarik
  • RHP Oderman Rocha
  • RHP Jonathan Sandfort
  • SS Trae Arbet
  • 2B Ulises Montilla
  • OF Enyel Vallejo
  • RHP Gage Hinsz
  • RHP Yunior Montero
  • LHP Horelbin Ramos
  • RHP Jandy Vasquez
  • SS Bealyn Chourio
  • OF Tito Polo
  • RHP Jherson Esqueda
  • RHP Yeudy Garcia
  • LHP Nestor Oronel
  • RHP Eumir Sepulveda
  • C Mikell Granberry
  • 1B Huascar Fuentes
  • 2B Raul Siri
  • OF Mister Luciano
  • OF Jeremias Portorreal
  • OF Sandy Santos
  • OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.

CFBBQ March Madness

Because I am a student-athlete and thus privy to all the rules and regulations of the NCAA, I am not allowed to gamble or wager on the NCAA basketball tournament in any way. This sucks a whole lot of butt. So instead of losing 20 dollars, I’ve decided to spread the love this year.

The winner of the CFBBQ pool will win a fitted CFBBQ hat and a guest appearance on the podcast. Second place gets a hat. Last place gets a free CFBBQ business card. Sucks.

There are three rules for the bracket. If your bracket does not follow these rules you are disqualified and thus ineligible for our lame prize:

  • You may not pick Kentucky to win a single game.
  • You must have a seed higher than 8 in your final four.
  • Your score for the championship game must be 169-69.

Here is the link for the CFBBQ March Madness bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2015/en/group?groupID=797610

Happy Picking.

30 Ways the Rockies “Tulowizki” Giveaway Could Have Gone Worse

Earlier today, the Twitter universe learned of the Rockies giveaway disaster. They managed to spell the name of their superstar wrong on all X number of free jerseys they gave away to their home fans. Tulowizki. Troy Tulowizki! No, seriously, Troy Tulowizki:

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsShortly after, we saw this wonderful tweet from Mr. Grant Brisbee:

It got us thinking. The Rockies sure messed up, but it could have been a lot worse for some other teams.

Baltimore Orioles

Screen Shot 2014-07-26 at 8.17.14 PM

New York Yankees

Screen Shot 2014-07-26 at 8.39.56 PM

Boston Red Sox

Screen Shot 2014-07-26 at 8.19.11 PM

Toronto Blue Jays

Screen Shot 2014-07-26 at 8.22.55 PM

Tampa Bay Rays

Screen Shot 2014-07-26 at 8.47.59 PM

Continue reading

The Time I Struck Out A Minor League Pitcher

Yesterday, I pitched against a professional baseball player. What did you do yesterday?

BFF of the BBQ Kieran Lovegrove was the unlucky victim forced to stand toe to toe against America’s ROOGY. The setting was less than ideal, as I would prefer to be in a Major League park wearing actual baseball clothing. Forced to suffer through the reprehensible conditions in the parking lot behind the State College Spikes stadium, I had a great deal to overcome.

PITCH ONE:

https://vine.co/v/M20pFI09Hw0/embed/simple

I knew the legend known as Lovegrove struggles with hard stuff in under the hands so I decided to start off the at-bat with a two-seamer on the inner half. The devastating arm-side run on my fastball was too much for him to handle as he jammed the ball foul the other way.

Continue reading

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

Click here for all previous previews. 

Athletic Eyes (including injured Jarrod Parker)

athletics_withnames

Off-season Haiku:

A bunch of weird trades.

Kazmir and Punto. GET PUMPED.

We love Yoenis.

Best Names in the Farm System:

  • 1B Max Muncy
  • OF D’Arby Myers
  • OF Conner Crumbliss
  • 3B Miles Head
  • 3B B.A. Vollmuth
  • C Nick Rickles
  • RHP Kayvon Bahramzadeh
  • LHP Jerad Grundy
  • OF Herschel Powell
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga
  • LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
  • 1B Sandber Pimentel
  • RHP Wilfredo Magallenes
  • RHP Emerson Nelo
  • C Jesus Monserratt
  • RHP Travis Pitcher
  • OF Vicmal De La Cruz

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

  • After a slew of pitching injuries, the A’s re-sign Vida Blue who then posts a 3.41 ERA in 130 innings as a 64 year old.
  • Sean Doolittle will do more doing.
  • To save money on concessions, the A’s will repurpose the overflowing sewage from the dugouts as “Oakland Chili” to be sold on hot dogs throughout the stadium
  • Billy Beane will hang ’em up after the season and the A’s will replace him with the actual Brad Pitt.
  • Yoenis Cespedes will win the Home Run Derby, the Silver Slugger, the MVP, the World Series, Mr. Universe, Ms. Universe, the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the 2014 congressional seat for Alameda County, 14 episodes of Jeopardy in a row, and the hearts, minds, and souls of the American people.