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 Brewer Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

Weird place for Garza.

They got Will Smith, movie star!

Oh. Not that one. Damn.

Best Names in the Farm System:

• OF Hainley Statia
• C Robinzon Diaz
• RHP Santo Manzanillo
• 3B Shea Vucinich
• OF Brock Kjeldgaard
• OF Chadwin Stang
• RHP Damien Magnifico
• OF T.J. Mittelstaedt
• OF D’Vontrey Richardson
• OF Max Walla
• RHP Axel Cordero
• RHP Yosmer Leal
• LHP Boanerges Nova
• 2B Roosevert Chal
• 3B Raphachel Colatosti
• 3B Sthervin Matos
• 2B Jorge Quiterio
• OF Yerald Martinez
• OF Yunior Santana
• RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
• OF Dionis Hinojosa
• RHP Nattino Diplan
• C Johel Atencio
• 1B Nicol Valderrey
• OF Joantgel Segovia
• RHP Gian Rizzo

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Marlin Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

I don’t know. I guess

Miami got Saltier.

Other than that, blah.

Best Names in the Farm System:

• RHP Anthony DeSclafani
• C Sharif Othman
• 2B Terrence Dayleg
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Dane Stone
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• OF Jesus Solorzano
• 3B J.T. Riddle
• OF Wildert Pujols
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• OF Galvi Moscat
• RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
• RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
• 2B Iramis Olivencia
• C Yobanis Pinto
• SS Garvis Lara
• 3B Geuris Santana
• SS Geral Silva
• OF Galvi Moscat
• OF Isael Soto
• OF Alinson Peguero
• OF Coco Johnson

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Phillie Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

Marlon Byrd, baby!

Somehow got AJ Burnett.

Fausto Carmona.

Best Names in the Farm System:

• C Bob Stumpo
• 1B Art Charles
• OF Jiandido Tromp
• LHP Ervis Manzanillo
• RHP Ulises Joaquin
• RHP Yacksel Rios
• SS Malquin Canelo
• SS Willerker Isava
• RHP Seranthony Dominguez
• RHP Franklyn Kilome
• OF Freddy Zorrilla
• LHP Denton Keys
• OF Venn Biter
• RHP Steiner Carmona
• LHP Francibel Alejo
• RHP Gregorix Mateo
• RHP Yonathan Trinidad
• 2B Olvy Marte
• OF Julsan Kamara
• 3B Jesus Posso
• LHP Elniery Garcia
• RHP Feliberto Sachez
• RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
• LHP Oberdan Diaz
• RHP Edubray Ramos
• LHP Ranger Suarez
• SS Grenny Cumana

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Athletic Eyes (including injured Jarrod Parker)

Off-season Haiku:

A bunch of weird trades.

Kazmir and Punto. GET PUMPED.

We love Yoenis.

Best Names in the Farm System:

• 1B Max Muncy
• OF D’Arby Myers
• OF Conner Crumbliss
• 3B Miles Head
• 3B B.A. Vollmuth
• C Nick Rickles
• RHP Kayvon Bahramzadeh
• LHP Jerad Grundy
• OF Herschel Powell
• OF Jonesy Zarraga
• LHP Jhenderson Hurtado
• 1B Sandber Pimentel
• RHP Wilfredo Magallenes
• RHP Emerson Nelo
• C Jesus Monserratt
• RHP Travis Pitcher
• OF Vicmal De La Cruz

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

• After a slew of pitching injuries, the A’s re-sign Vida Blue who then posts a 3.41 ERA in 130 innings as a 64 year old.
• Sean Doolittle will do more doing.
• To save money on concessions, the A’s will repurpose the overflowing sewage from the dugouts as “Oakland Chili” to be sold on hot dogs throughout the stadium
• Billy Beane will hang ’em up after the season and the A’s will replace him with the actual Brad Pitt.
• Yoenis Cespedes will win the Home Run Derby, the Silver Slugger, the MVP, the World Series, Mr. Universe, Ms. Universe, the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the 2014 congressional seat for Alameda County, 14 episodes of Jeopardy in a row, and the hearts, minds, and souls of the American people.

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Padre Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

They made some odd trades

and gambled on Josh Johnson.

Joaquin Benoit! Yay!

Best Names in the Farm System:

• RHP Kevin Quackenbush
• RHP Adys Portillo
• SS Bridger Hunt
• RHP Walker Weickel
• 1B Diego Goris
• OF Mallex Smith
• 2B River Stevens
• DH Malquiel Brito
• LHP Payton Baskette
• RHP Jace Chancellor
• SS Franchy Cordero
• RHP Starling Ynfante
• LHP Deninson Martinez
• RHP Mayky Perez
• RHP Jaimito Lebron
• SS Westhers Magdaleno
• SS Ruddy Giron
• OF Dayon Olmo
• SS Daniel Bravo
• 1B Derwin Pomare
• 2B Elys Ugueto
• OF Yorky Diaz
• 2B Jalen Goree
• OF Franmil Reyes

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

• The Padres move the fences in again. The fences will be roughly 50 feet behind the infield dirt. Petco will be a pitcher’s park no more. Alexi Amarista will hit 93 home runs.
• San Diego will trade top prospect Cameron Maybin to the Detroit Tigers for Miguel Cabrera.
• Chris Denorfia will hit a walk-off single in the 12th inning of every single Sunday home game of the season.
• Tommy John will have Josh Johnson surgery.
• Kyle Blanks will get recalled from Triple-A El Paso. Blanks, Xavier Nady, and Yonder Alonso will form the least intimidating first base platoon in baseball. They will be known as Kyle XY.