2014 CFBBQ Season Previews

After a slew of pitching injuries, the A’s re-sign Vida Blue who then posts a 3.41 ERA in 130 innings as a 64 year old.
Sean Doolittle will do more doing.
To save money on concessions, the A’s will repurpose the overflowing sewage from the dugouts as “Oakland Chili” to be sold on hot dogs throughout the stadium
Billy Beane will hang ’em up after the season and the A’s will replace him with the actual Brad Pitt.
Yoenis Cespedes will win the Home Run Derby, the Silver Slugger, the MVP, the World Series, Mr. Universe, Ms. Universe, the Iditarod Dog Sled Race, the 2014 congressional seat for Alameda County, 14 episodes of Jeopardy in a row, and the hearts, minds, and souls of the American people.

2014 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

Padre Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

They made some odd trades

and gambled on Josh Johnson.

Joaquin Benoit! Yay!

Best Names in the Farm System:

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

The Padres move the fences in again. The fences will be roughly 50 feet behind the infield dirt. Petco will be a pitcher’s park no more. Alexi Amarista will hit 93 home runs.
San Diego will trade top prospect Cameron Maybin to the Detroit Tigers for Miguel Cabrera.
Chris Denorfia will hit a walk-off single in the 12th inning of every single Sunday home game of the season.
Tommy John will have Josh Johnson surgery.
Kyle Blanks will get recalled from Triple-A El Paso. Blanks, Xavier Nady, and Yonder Alonso will form the least intimidating first base platoon in baseball. They will be known as Kyle XY.

Royal Eyes

Off-season Haiku:

Four years for Vargas,

How terribly exciting.

BRUCE CHEN IS BACK YEAH

Best Names in the Farm System:

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

Lorde will finish with a higher SLG% than Mike Moustakas
The Royals will film a crazy music video for their new smash hit “Pursuit of the Postseason (Norichika Aoki Remix)” starring Jarrod Dyson and Danny Valencia.
By August, Yordano Ventura will be wearing his hat backwards. No one will complain.
After their first major baseball-related announcement, the Royals will decide to take another route right before the trade deadline. Word will get out that they have a minor football-related announcement. They will trade Billy Butler to the Kansas City Chiefs for whoever is on the Kansas City Chiefs. Dante Hall? Is he still on the Kansas City Chiefs? The Royals will trade Billy Butler for Dante Hall.
Eric Hosmer will finally become the magical unicorn that Royals fans have been hoping for. That is, until the fans realize that unicorns struggle to play baseball. The Royals will release Eric Hosmer because he will be a unicorn. Science will sign unicorn-Eric Hosmer to long-term deal.

Off-season Haiku:

Scott Feldman, new ace.

Stole Fowler from the Rockies.

Japhet Amador.

Best Names in the Farm System:

FIVE BOLD PREDICTIONS:

In a tragic twist of fate that shocks the entire baseball universe, Jose Altuve experiences a growth spurt at the age of 23 and grows a full foot over the course of the season.
Lance Berkman disguises himself as a Venezuelan minor leaguer named Ylance Beracmando and slugs .893 before his costume falls off in mid-August.
Matt Dominguez tests positive for PED’s, but claims his positive test was caused by the new breakfast waffle at Taco Bell. After brief deliberation, Bud Selig revokes the 50 game suspension and commends Dominguez for always living mas.
Frustrated with his team’s lackluster play during the first half of September, Jeff Luhnow calls up himself, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Elias, Mike Fast, and Colin Wyers. Wyers gets on base at a 40% clip, but his base-clogging status soon relegates him to the bench.
Jason Castro switches places with American Idol contestant Jason Castro. The Astros are instantly confronted by a lack of catching depth, but an abundance of horrible smelly dreadlocks.