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Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet

This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet

That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

• RHP Mark Hamburger
• SS Argenis Diaz
• 3B Heiker Meneses
• OF Mike Kvasnicka
• RHP D.J. Baxendale
• RHP Nick Burdi
• RHP Tim Shibuya
• 3B Niko Goodrum
• LHP Mat Batts
• C Alex Swim
• SS Engelb Vielma
• OF Tanner English
• LHP Cameron Booser
• RHP J.T. Chargois
• RHP C.K. Irby
• RHP Keaton Steele
• C Brett Doe
• 2B Will Hurt
• LHP Onas Farfan
• RHP Onesimo Hernandez
• RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
• RHP Callan Pearce
• RHP Matz Schutte
• LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
• LHP Reyson Zoquiel
• C Jarrard Poteete
• C Rainis Silva
• SS Zaino Henriquez
• 3B Ruar Verkerk
• OF Dubal Baez
• OF Zach Granite
• OF Amaurys Minier
• RHP Robener Cabrera
• RHP Brusdar Graterol
• RHP Ramses Herrera
• LHP Jadison Jimenez
• RHP Johan Quezada
• LHP Fredderi Soto
• RHP Huascar Ynoa
• C Darling Cuesto
• OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

• The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
• Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
• Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.