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Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

• RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
• RHP Tiago Da Silva
• RHP Arik Sikula
• 1B L.B. Dantzler
• SS Shane Opitz
• RHP Adonys Cardona
• LHP Francisco Gracesqui
• RHP Starlyn Suriel
• 2B Jason Leblebijian
• SS Dawel Lugo
• 2B Dickie Joe Thon
• OF Derrick Loveless
• OF Chaz Frank
• RHP Mark Biggs
• RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
• C Max Pentecost
• SS Gunnar Heidt
• 1B Ryan McBroom
• 1B Rowdy Tellez
• OF Boomer Collins
• OF Roemon Fields
• RHP Hansel Rodriguez
• 2B Deiferson Barreto
• SS Yeltsin Gudino
• LHP Juliandry Higuera
• LHP Kelyn Jose
• RHP Luis Zerpa
• 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

• Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
• In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
• Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.