2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Francisco Giants

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Projected Lineup

CF: Anal Pidgin

LF: Norway Checker Hay Yo Key

C: Puss Tarp Hussy

1B: Brown Down Bout

RF: Underpants

2B: Shop Hand Ink

3B: KCMG

SS: Bland Haunt Rockford

SP:  Maidstone Butt Corner

SP: Timid Son

SP: Make Gang

SP: Jacob Eevee

SP: Dim Lint Scone

Off-season Haiku

Even year champions!

Bumgarner is famous now

The Panda left you.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Michael Morse off Tyler Chatwood – 458 feet

How many teams’ farthest home runs of 2014 have been to the opposite field? Still Coors, tho.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Brandon Belt off Bartolo Colon – 337 feet

The fact that they had time to change the camera angle before the ball landed shows how much hangtime this hilarious dinger had.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mike Broadway
  • RHP Austin Fleet
  • LHP Braulio Lara
  • C Myles Schroder
  • C Eliezer Zambrano
  • 3B Reegie Corona
  • 2B Skyler Stromsmoe
  • 3B Kelby Tomlinson
  • LHP Keurin Feliz
  • RHP Nick Vander Tuig
  • SS Ydwin Villegas
  • OF Chuckie Jones
  • RHP Keury Mella
  • LHP Andrew Leenhouts
  • 3B Ryder Jones
  • 1B Skyler Ewing
  • SS Travious Relaford
  • OF Joneshway Fargas
  • OF Shilo McCall
  • RHP Rayan Hernandez
  • RHP Rodolfo Martinez
  • RHP Kendry Melo
  • RHP Nolan Riggs
  • C Kleiber Rivas
  • 2B Christian Lichtenthaler
  • LHP Deiyerbert Bolivar
  • RHP Jonathan Loaisiga
  • RHP Olbis Parra
  • LHP Prebito Reyes
  • RHP Reymi Rodriguez
  • RHP Raffi Vizcaino
  • RHP Weilly Yan
  • RHP Eduin Villa
  • C Mecky Coronado
  • C Alilzon Rodriguez
  • 3B Hengerber Medina
  • OF Stanly German
  • OF Yendrys Gonzalez
  • DH Raiby Barias

Three Bold Predictions

  • Knowing that no matter what they have no chance to win the World Series this year but that they will most certainly win it next year, the Giants trade away all their good players for prospects, cash, and Barry Bonds bobbleheads.
  • After injuries to Pence, Belt, and Casey McGehee, the Giants resign a 50-year old Bonds to play 1B. Bonds slashes .248/.489/.567.
  • Joe Panik does just that.
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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

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Projected Lineup

3B: My Carp Enter

RF: Geese Sauna Ward

LF: May Taller Day

1B: Might Add Hems

SS: Chaw Nipple Alter

C: Yawn Dire Mole Cleaner

2B: Cold Hen Wrong

CF: Sanjay

SP: Dad The Main Right

SP: Land Sling

SP: Jaw Nail Achey

SP: Mic Quinoa Ca-caw

SP: Careless Martinis

Off-season Haiku

Shelby for Jason.

That’s all I can remember.

Rest in peace, Oscar.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Randal Grichuk off Ryan Dennick – 449 feet

You probably thought that Matt Holliday bomb was the farthest Cardinals dinger of the year, but Grichuk’s homer actually edged that one out by a few feet, according to HitTracker.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Oscar Taveras off Odrisamer Despaigne – 355 feet

One hell of a swing. He will be missed.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Jonathan Cornelius
  • RHP Jordan Swagerty
  • C Travis Tartamella
  • 2B Breyvic Valera
  • 3B Patrick Wisdom
  • OF Nick Martini
  • RHP Pedro Echemendia
  • RHP Silfredo Garcia
  • RHP Dixon Llorens
  • LHP Iden Nazario
  • C Dante Rosenberg
  • C Gerwuins Velazco
  • 3B Ildemaro Vargas
  • RHP Kyle Barraclough
  • C Steve Bean
  • 3B Ronnierd Garcia
  • 2B Richy Pedroza
  • 1B Justin Ringo
  • OF Rowan Wick
  • LHP Dewin Perez
  • RHP Daniel Poncedeleon
  • SS Leobaldo Pina
  • SS Robelys Reyes
  • OF Kenny Peoples-Walls
  • RHP Jery Then
  • RHP Dailyn Martinez
  • 1B Jesus Ustariz
  • OF Bladimil Franco
  • OF Magneuris Sierra
  • RHP Silas Bohannan
  • RHP Frederis Parra
  • 2B Malik Collymore
  • OF DeAndre Asbury-Heath
  • RHP Sandy Alcantara
  • RHP Franyel Casadilla
  • RHP Will Changarotty
  • RHP Oneiver Diaz
  • RHP Junior Fernandez
  • 2B Wadye Ynfante

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After misreading the giant “Big Mac Land” sign in left field as “Big Mark Land”, Mark Reynolds is so motivated to succeed that he develops a Bonds-like approach at the plate and posts a .951 OPS with 47 home runs, 37 to Big Mark Land.
  2. As the newest Matt on the team, reliever Matt Belisle is forced to change his his first name. Jhonny Peralta suggests “Mhatt”, and it sticks. Mhatt Belisle has a stellar year, with career hhighs in strikehouts and hholds.
  3. John Lackey struggles mightily in the first half of the season and loses his rotation spot to young lefty Marco Gonzales, prompting this exchange:

Mike Matheny: John, we can’t afford to throw you out there every fifth day. We’re putting you in the pen.

John Lackey:                                                                                                                                                                                  

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Washington Nationals

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Projected Lineup

CF: Dinners Plan

3B: Anchor Neon Dome

RF: Chasing Wharf

LF: Bright Sharper

1B: Rains Merman

SS: Yawned Despot

C: Whale Sewn Raw Most

2B: You Knee Hellas Cobra

P: Steep Panned Straws Burned

P: Masked Shirts Hurt

P: Gorge Ants Him Or Mine

P: Gorgonzolas

P: DOG FISTER

Off-season Haiku

Who needs more hitting?

Give Max Scherzer all the cash!

Didn’t do much else.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Ian Desmond off Ernesto Frieri – 462 feet

Frieri is perhaps the best example of what can go wrong if your upper-90’s fastball lacks any sort of life. He gives up bombs like this ALL DA TIME.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Adam LaRoche off A.J. Burnett – 336 feet

This absurd home run had like a seven-second hang time.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • 1B Kila Ka’aihue
  • OF Mark Minicozzi
  • RHP Derek Self
  • C Spencer Kieboom
  • C Andruth Ramirez
  • 2B Cutter Dykstra
  • OF Delta Cleary Jr.
  • RHP Dakota Bacus
  • LHP Kylin Turnbull
  • 3B Khayyan Norfork
  • OF Estarlin Martinez
  • OF Will Piwnica-Worms
  • RHP Wirkin Esteven
  • RHP Wander Suero
  • 1B James Yezzo
  • OF Narciso Mesa
  • RHP Michael Sylvestri
  • C Raudy Reed
  • C Adderling Ruiz
  • 1B Diomedes Eusebio
  • 2B Chris Riopedre
  • RHP Kida De La Cruz
  • RHP D.J. Jauss
  • LHP Yorlin Reynoso
  • RHP Melvi Salazar
  • RHP Maximo Valerio
  • RHP Deibi Yrizarri
  • C Jakson Reetz
  • 3B Younaifred Aguero
  • 1B Dionicio Rosario
  • OF Aldrem Corredor
  • OF Randy Encarnacion
  • RHP Aroon Avila
  • RHP Angher Cespedes
  • RHP Malvin Pena
  • RHP Ramses Rosario
  • LHP Isaias Silfa
  • C Jeyner Baez
  • 3B Francys Peguero
  • 1B Neivy Pilier
  • 1B Davinson Pimentel
  • 2B Joshual Ramirez
  • OF Telmito Agustin
  • OF Aridio Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

  1. To maximize the super-rotation-ness of their super-rotation, the Nationals have Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Jordan Zimmermann utilize the classic three-pitchers-in-one-large-trench-coat strategy, Vincent Adultman style. They still manage to be shorter than Doug Fister.
  2. Frustrated by having to wait for Trea Turner to actually become a National, GM Mike Rizzo orders a covert operation to extract Turner from his Lake Elsinore apartment in the middle the night during the first week of the season.
  3. Bryce Harper finally faces a pitcher younger than him when 21-year-old Mets second baseman is forced to pitch to Harper during a 23-inning marathon against the Nationals in late April.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Texas Rangers

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Projected Lineup

RF: Skins Hooch Ew

SS: Hell Bison Druze

1B: Bris Feeler

3B: Aid Rained Bell Torrey

DH: Mitchum Whore Land

CF: Lonesome Heart Teen

RF: Shakes Mole Hills Key

C: Rubbing Saunter Keynotes

2B: Roof Need Her Door

SP: Chobani Guy Hardo

SP: Terry Collins

SP: Nicked a Pitch

SP: Go Be Loose

SP: Rocket Wilder

Off-season Haiku

Gallardo: good start.

Down goes Profar, down goes Yu.

Another year of hurt.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Prince Fielder off Blake Beavan – 446 feet

This Prince dinger came in like the second week of the season. Once everyone on the Rangers roster started dropping like flies, it was hard to expect anyone to hit one farther than this Prince one.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Donnie Murphy off Fernando Abad – 339 feet

This being a home run might be the only thing that went the Rangers way in 2014.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Martire Garcia
  • SS Guilder Rodriguez
  • 1B Rock Shoulders
  • RHP Jefri Hernandez
  • RHP Keone Kela
  • 1B J.T. Wise
  • OF Teodoro Martinez
  • RHP Arlett Mavare
  • LHP Yohander Mdnez
  • LHP Ryne Slack
  • 3B Janluis Castro
  • 1B Smerling Lantigua
  • C Sherman Lacrus
  • SS Isiah Kiner-Falefa
  • 3B Tripp Martin
  • 3B Juremi Profar
  • OF Saquan Johnson
  • RHP Easton Napiontek
  • RHP Storm Rynard
  • SS Yeyson Yrizarri
  • 3B Ti’Quan Forbes
  • OF Darius Day
  • RHP Greidy Martinez
  • RHP Argenis Rodriguez
  • C Yohel Pozo
  • SS Brallan Perez
  • OF Yimmelvyn Alonzo
  • DH Andretty Cordero
  • RHP Israel Cruz
  • LHP Gionny Fracchiolla
  • RHP Yancarlos Martinez
  • RHP Yelfri Minoz
  • LHP Nerfy Nunez
  • LHP Yonelvy Pichardo
  • LHP Yhonson Rojas
  • 1B Porfirio Martinez
  • OF Darwin Tovar

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After Nick Tepesch gives up seven runs for a fourth consecutive start, the Rangers decide left-handed Yu Darvish is the best option as their fifth starter. Lefty Darvish finishes the year with a 3.57 ERA in 128 innings pitched.
  2. Struggling to maintain any fan interest when out of the playoff race by mid-June, the Rangers cancel their home games in favor of impromptu home run derbies between Prince Fielder, Joey Gallo, and recently acquired Carlos Peguero.
  3. During their series at Coors Field in July, Rougned Odor hits a game-tying homer off Rockies reliever LaTroy Hawkins, who was drafted nearly three years before Odor was born.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

mauer wow

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Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet

This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet

That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mark Hamburger
  • SS Argenis Diaz
  • 3B Heiker Meneses
  • OF Mike Kvasnicka
  • RHP D.J. Baxendale
  • RHP Nick Burdi
  • RHP Tim Shibuya
  • 3B Niko Goodrum
  • LHP Mat Batts
  • C Alex Swim
  • SS Engelb Vielma
  • OF Tanner English
  • LHP Cameron Booser
  • RHP J.T. Chargois
  • RHP C.K. Irby
  • RHP Keaton Steele
  • C Brett Doe
  • 2B Will Hurt
  • LHP Onas Farfan
  • RHP Onesimo Hernandez
  • RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
  • RHP Callan Pearce
  • RHP Matz Schutte
  • LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
  • LHP Reyson Zoquiel
  • C Jarrard Poteete
  • C Rainis Silva
  • SS Zaino Henriquez
  • 3B Ruar Verkerk
  • OF Dubal Baez
  • OF Zach Granite
  • OF Amaurys Minier
  • RHP Robener Cabrera
  • RHP Brusdar Graterol
  • RHP Ramses Herrera
  • LHP Jadison Jimenez
  • RHP Johan Quezada
  • LHP Fredderi Soto
  • RHP Huascar Ynoa
  • C Darling Cuesto
  • OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

  • The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
  • Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
  • Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

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Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
  • RHP Tiago Da Silva
  • RHP Arik Sikula
  • 1B L.B. Dantzler
  • SS Shane Opitz
  • RHP Adonys Cardona
  • LHP Francisco Gracesqui
  • RHP Starlyn Suriel
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • SS Dawel Lugo
  • 2B Dickie Joe Thon
  • OF Derrick Loveless
  • OF Chaz Frank
  • RHP Mark Biggs
  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • C Max Pentecost
  • SS Gunnar Heidt
  • 1B Ryan McBroom
  • 1B Rowdy Tellez
  • OF Boomer Collins
  • OF Roemon Fields
  • RHP Hansel Rodriguez
  • 2B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Yeltsin Gudino
  • LHP Juliandry Higuera
  • LHP Kelyn Jose
  • RHP Luis Zerpa
  • 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

  • Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
  • In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
  • Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

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Projected Lineup

3B: Ying-Yang Nervous Oh Latte

CF: Wilhelm Eyres

RF: Matic Imp

LF: Just Turnip Tin

1B: Honduras Lawn So

2B: Jedd Jerk-O

C: Dare Rick Norse

SS: Alex E. A Barista

SP: Jay Mush Heels

SP: Ann? Rue cash? NAH.

SP: Ty Sinner Awes

SP: E.N. Canada

SP: Ode Re-sign Mart Español

Off-season Haiku

Myers, Upton, Kemp,

Norris, Middlebrooks, Morrow,

Shields, *inhale*, AND CLINT BARMES!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Seth Smith off Dan Haren – 447 feet

Only in Petco can the farthest home run of the year barely go over the fence.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yonder Alonso off Jordan Lyles – 342

These is an example of a Yonder Alonso double that actually turned into a Yonder Alonso home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Stephen Kohlscheen
  • RHP Zack Segovia
  • C Griff Erickson
  • C Rocky Gale
  • OF Yeison Asencio
  • OF Rico Noel
  • RHP Zechariah Lemond
  • RHP James Needy
  • RHP Adys Portillo
  • RHP Alan Oaks
  • RHP Genison Reyes
  • 1B Luis Domoromo
  • OF Alberth Martinez
  • LHP Payton Baskette
  • RHP Colby Blueberg
  • RHP Jason Jester
  • RHP Justin Livengood
  • 2B Renaldo Bruguera
  • OF Franmil Reyes
  • SS Josh VanMeter
  • SS Franchy Cordero
  • 2B Jalen Goree
  • 2B River Stevens
  • OF Yale Rosen
  • RHP Jace Chancellor
  • RHP Jaimito Lebron
  • RHP Mayky Perez
  • RHP Starling Ynfante
  • SS Ruddy Giron
  • OF Euri Minaya
  • LHP Eisler Cordova
  • RHP Dinelson Lamet
  • RHP Rosmel Purroy
  • SS Westhers Magdaleno
  • OF Dayon Olmo
  • 2B Elys Ugueto

Three Bold Predictions

  • In order to make sure he never gets traded, Odrisamer Despaigne legally changes his name to San Diego Padres.
  • In an effort to maximize both health and performance, Josh Johnson and Brandon Morrow literally share the 5th spot in the rotation, each taking turns every other inning during their starts.
  • A.J. Preller spends the entire season trying to convince impending free agent Justin Upton to sign an extension, without Rymer reason.