2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

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Projected Lineup

3B: My Carp Enter

RF: Geese Sauna Ward

LF: May Taller Day

1B: Might Add Hems

SS: Chaw Nipple Alter

C: Yawn Dire Mole Cleaner

2B: Cold Hen Wrong

CF: Sanjay

SP: Dad The Main Right

SP: Land Sling

SP: Jaw Nail Achey

SP: Mic Quinoa Ca-caw

SP: Careless Martinis

Off-season Haiku

Shelby for Jason.

That’s all I can remember.

Rest in peace, Oscar.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Randal Grichuk off Ryan Dennick – 449 feet

You probably thought that Matt Holliday bomb was the farthest Cardinals dinger of the year, but Grichuk’s homer actually edged that one out by a few feet, according to HitTracker.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Oscar Taveras off Odrisamer Despaigne – 355 feet

One hell of a swing. He will be missed.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Jonathan Cornelius
  • RHP Jordan Swagerty
  • C Travis Tartamella
  • 2B Breyvic Valera
  • 3B Patrick Wisdom
  • OF Nick Martini
  • RHP Pedro Echemendia
  • RHP Silfredo Garcia
  • RHP Dixon Llorens
  • LHP Iden Nazario
  • C Dante Rosenberg
  • C Gerwuins Velazco
  • 3B Ildemaro Vargas
  • RHP Kyle Barraclough
  • C Steve Bean
  • 3B Ronnierd Garcia
  • 2B Richy Pedroza
  • 1B Justin Ringo
  • OF Rowan Wick
  • LHP Dewin Perez
  • RHP Daniel Poncedeleon
  • SS Leobaldo Pina
  • SS Robelys Reyes
  • OF Kenny Peoples-Walls
  • RHP Jery Then
  • RHP Dailyn Martinez
  • 1B Jesus Ustariz
  • OF Bladimil Franco
  • OF Magneuris Sierra
  • RHP Silas Bohannan
  • RHP Frederis Parra
  • 2B Malik Collymore
  • OF DeAndre Asbury-Heath
  • RHP Sandy Alcantara
  • RHP Franyel Casadilla
  • RHP Will Changarotty
  • RHP Oneiver Diaz
  • RHP Junior Fernandez
  • 2B Wadye Ynfante

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After misreading the giant “Big Mac Land” sign in left field as “Big Mark Land”, Mark Reynolds is so motivated to succeed that he develops a Bonds-like approach at the plate and posts a .951 OPS with 47 home runs, 37 to Big Mark Land.
  2. As the newest Matt on the team, reliever Matt Belisle is forced to change his his first name. Jhonny Peralta suggests “Mhatt”, and it sticks. Mhatt Belisle has a stellar year, with career hhighs in strikehouts and hholds.
  3. John Lackey struggles mightily in the first half of the season and loses his rotation spot to young lefty Marco Gonzales, prompting this exchange:

Mike Matheny: John, we can’t afford to throw you out there every fifth day. We’re putting you in the pen.

John Lackey:                                                                                                                                                                                  

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Washington Nationals

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Projected Lineup

CF: Dinners Plan

3B: Anchor Neon Dome

RF: Chasing Wharf

LF: Bright Sharper

1B: Rains Merman

SS: Yawned Despot

C: Whale Sewn Raw Most

2B: You Knee Hellas Cobra

P: Steep Panned Straws Burned

P: Masked Shirts Hurt

P: Gorge Ants Him Or Mine

P: Gorgonzolas


Off-season Haiku

Who needs more hitting?

Give Max Scherzer all the cash!

Didn’t do much else.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Ian Desmond off Ernesto Frieri – 462 feet

Frieri is perhaps the best example of what can go wrong if your upper-90’s fastball lacks any sort of life. He gives up bombs like this ALL DA TIME.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Adam LaRoche off A.J. Burnett – 336 feet

This absurd home run had like a seven-second hang time.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • 1B Kila Ka’aihue
  • OF Mark Minicozzi
  • RHP Derek Self
  • C Spencer Kieboom
  • C Andruth Ramirez
  • 2B Cutter Dykstra
  • OF Delta Cleary Jr.
  • RHP Dakota Bacus
  • LHP Kylin Turnbull
  • 3B Khayyan Norfork
  • OF Estarlin Martinez
  • OF Will Piwnica-Worms
  • RHP Wirkin Esteven
  • RHP Wander Suero
  • 1B James Yezzo
  • OF Narciso Mesa
  • RHP Michael Sylvestri
  • C Raudy Reed
  • C Adderling Ruiz
  • 1B Diomedes Eusebio
  • 2B Chris Riopedre
  • RHP Kida De La Cruz
  • RHP D.J. Jauss
  • LHP Yorlin Reynoso
  • RHP Melvi Salazar
  • RHP Maximo Valerio
  • RHP Deibi Yrizarri
  • C Jakson Reetz
  • 3B Younaifred Aguero
  • 1B Dionicio Rosario
  • OF Aldrem Corredor
  • OF Randy Encarnacion
  • RHP Aroon Avila
  • RHP Angher Cespedes
  • RHP Malvin Pena
  • RHP Ramses Rosario
  • LHP Isaias Silfa
  • C Jeyner Baez
  • 3B Francys Peguero
  • 1B Neivy Pilier
  • 1B Davinson Pimentel
  • 2B Joshual Ramirez
  • OF Telmito Agustin
  • OF Aridio Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

  1. To maximize the super-rotation-ness of their super-rotation, the Nationals have Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Jordan Zimmermann utilize the classic three-pitchers-in-one-large-trench-coat strategy, Vincent Adultman style. They still manage to be shorter than Doug Fister.
  2. Frustrated by having to wait for Trea Turner to actually become a National, GM Mike Rizzo orders a covert operation to extract Turner from his Lake Elsinore apartment in the middle the night during the first week of the season.
  3. Bryce Harper finally faces a pitcher younger than him when 21-year-old Mets second baseman is forced to pitch to Harper during a 23-inning marathon against the Nationals in late April.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Texas Rangers

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Projected Lineup

RF: Skins Hooch Ew

SS: Hell Bison Druze

1B: Bris Feeler

3B: Aid Rained Bell Torrey

DH: Mitchum Whore Land

CF: Lonesome Heart Teen

RF: Shakes Mole Hills Key

C: Rubbing Saunter Keynotes

2B: Roof Need Her Door

SP: Chobani Guy Hardo

SP: Terry Collins

SP: Nicked a Pitch

SP: Go Be Loose

SP: Rocket Wilder

Off-season Haiku

Gallardo: good start.

Down goes Profar, down goes Yu.

Another year of hurt.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Prince Fielder off Blake Beavan – 446 feet

This Prince dinger came in like the second week of the season. Once everyone on the Rangers roster started dropping like flies, it was hard to expect anyone to hit one farther than this Prince one.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Donnie Murphy off Fernando Abad – 339 feet

This being a home run might be the only thing that went the Rangers way in 2014.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Martire Garcia
  • SS Guilder Rodriguez
  • 1B Rock Shoulders
  • RHP Jefri Hernandez
  • RHP Keone Kela
  • 1B J.T. Wise
  • OF Teodoro Martinez
  • RHP Arlett Mavare
  • LHP Yohander Mdnez
  • LHP Ryne Slack
  • 3B Janluis Castro
  • 1B Smerling Lantigua
  • C Sherman Lacrus
  • SS Isiah Kiner-Falefa
  • 3B Tripp Martin
  • 3B Juremi Profar
  • OF Saquan Johnson
  • RHP Easton Napiontek
  • RHP Storm Rynard
  • SS Yeyson Yrizarri
  • 3B Ti’Quan Forbes
  • OF Darius Day
  • RHP Greidy Martinez
  • RHP Argenis Rodriguez
  • C Yohel Pozo
  • SS Brallan Perez
  • OF Yimmelvyn Alonzo
  • DH Andretty Cordero
  • RHP Israel Cruz
  • LHP Gionny Fracchiolla
  • RHP Yancarlos Martinez
  • RHP Yelfri Minoz
  • LHP Nerfy Nunez
  • LHP Yonelvy Pichardo
  • LHP Yhonson Rojas
  • 1B Porfirio Martinez
  • OF Darwin Tovar

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After Nick Tepesch gives up seven runs for a fourth consecutive start, the Rangers decide left-handed Yu Darvish is the best option as their fifth starter. Lefty Darvish finishes the year with a 3.57 ERA in 128 innings pitched.
  2. Struggling to maintain any fan interest when out of the playoff race by mid-June, the Rangers cancel their home games in favor of impromptu home run derbies between Prince Fielder, Joey Gallo, and recently acquired Carlos Peguero.
  3. During their series at Coors Field in July, Rougned Odor hits a game-tying homer off Rockies reliever LaTroy Hawkins, who was drafted nearly three years before Odor was born.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

mauer wow

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Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet

This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet

That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mark Hamburger
  • SS Argenis Diaz
  • 3B Heiker Meneses
  • OF Mike Kvasnicka
  • RHP D.J. Baxendale
  • RHP Nick Burdi
  • RHP Tim Shibuya
  • 3B Niko Goodrum
  • LHP Mat Batts
  • C Alex Swim
  • SS Engelb Vielma
  • OF Tanner English
  • LHP Cameron Booser
  • RHP J.T. Chargois
  • RHP C.K. Irby
  • RHP Keaton Steele
  • C Brett Doe
  • 2B Will Hurt
  • LHP Onas Farfan
  • RHP Onesimo Hernandez
  • RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
  • RHP Callan Pearce
  • RHP Matz Schutte
  • LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
  • LHP Reyson Zoquiel
  • C Jarrard Poteete
  • C Rainis Silva
  • SS Zaino Henriquez
  • 3B Ruar Verkerk
  • OF Dubal Baez
  • OF Zach Granite
  • OF Amaurys Minier
  • RHP Robener Cabrera
  • RHP Brusdar Graterol
  • RHP Ramses Herrera
  • LHP Jadison Jimenez
  • RHP Johan Quezada
  • LHP Fredderi Soto
  • RHP Huascar Ynoa
  • C Darling Cuesto
  • OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

  • The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
  • Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
  • Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

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Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
  • RHP Tiago Da Silva
  • RHP Arik Sikula
  • 1B L.B. Dantzler
  • SS Shane Opitz
  • RHP Adonys Cardona
  • LHP Francisco Gracesqui
  • RHP Starlyn Suriel
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • SS Dawel Lugo
  • 2B Dickie Joe Thon
  • OF Derrick Loveless
  • OF Chaz Frank
  • RHP Mark Biggs
  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • C Max Pentecost
  • SS Gunnar Heidt
  • 1B Ryan McBroom
  • 1B Rowdy Tellez
  • OF Boomer Collins
  • OF Roemon Fields
  • RHP Hansel Rodriguez
  • 2B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Yeltsin Gudino
  • LHP Juliandry Higuera
  • LHP Kelyn Jose
  • RHP Luis Zerpa
  • 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

  • Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
  • In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
  • Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Diego Padres

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Projected Lineup

3B: Ying-Yang Nervous Oh Latte

CF: Wilhelm Eyres

RF: Matic Imp

LF: Just Turnip Tin

1B: Honduras Lawn So

2B: Jedd Jerk-O

C: Dare Rick Norse

SS: Alex E. A Barista

SP: Jay Mush Heels

SP: Ann? Rue cash? NAH.

SP: Ty Sinner Awes

SP: E.N. Canada

SP: Ode Re-sign Mart Español

Off-season Haiku

Myers, Upton, Kemp,

Norris, Middlebrooks, Morrow,

Shields, *inhale*, AND CLINT BARMES!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Seth Smith off Dan Haren – 447 feet

Only in Petco can the farthest home run of the year barely go over the fence.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Yonder Alonso off Jordan Lyles – 342

These is an example of a Yonder Alonso double that actually turned into a Yonder Alonso home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Stephen Kohlscheen
  • RHP Zack Segovia
  • C Griff Erickson
  • C Rocky Gale
  • OF Yeison Asencio
  • OF Rico Noel
  • RHP Zechariah Lemond
  • RHP James Needy
  • RHP Adys Portillo
  • RHP Alan Oaks
  • RHP Genison Reyes
  • 1B Luis Domoromo
  • OF Alberth Martinez
  • LHP Payton Baskette
  • RHP Colby Blueberg
  • RHP Jason Jester
  • RHP Justin Livengood
  • 2B Renaldo Bruguera
  • OF Franmil Reyes
  • SS Josh VanMeter
  • SS Franchy Cordero
  • 2B Jalen Goree
  • 2B River Stevens
  • OF Yale Rosen
  • RHP Jace Chancellor
  • RHP Jaimito Lebron
  • RHP Mayky Perez
  • RHP Starling Ynfante
  • SS Ruddy Giron
  • OF Euri Minaya
  • LHP Eisler Cordova
  • RHP Dinelson Lamet
  • RHP Rosmel Purroy
  • SS Westhers Magdaleno
  • OF Dayon Olmo
  • 2B Elys Ugueto

Three Bold Predictions

  • In order to make sure he never gets traded, Odrisamer Despaigne legally changes his name to San Diego Padres.
  • In an effort to maximize both health and performance, Josh Johnson and Brandon Morrow literally share the 5th spot in the rotation, each taking turns every other inning during their starts.
  • A.J. Preller spends the entire season trying to convince impending free agent Justin Upton to sign an extension, without Rymer reason.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

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Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet

This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet

This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • OF Gorkys Hernandez
  • RHP Matt Benedict
  • C Dwight Childs
  • 2B Gift Ngoepe
  • RHP Yhonathan Barrios
  • RHP Jhondaniel Medina
  • RHP Tyler Sample
  • 1B D.J. Crumlich
  • OF Raul Fortunato
  • OF Jonathan Schwind
  • RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
  • C Kawika Emsley-Pai
  • SS JaCoby Jones
  • OF Maximo Rivera
  • RHP Montana DuRapau
  • RHP Sam Street
  • C Deybi Garcia
  • 2B Trace Tam Sing
  • RHP Marek Minarik
  • RHP Oderman Rocha
  • RHP Jonathan Sandfort
  • SS Trae Arbet
  • 2B Ulises Montilla
  • OF Enyel Vallejo
  • RHP Gage Hinsz
  • RHP Yunior Montero
  • LHP Horelbin Ramos
  • RHP Jandy Vasquez
  • SS Bealyn Chourio
  • OF Tito Polo
  • RHP Jherson Esqueda
  • RHP Yeudy Garcia
  • LHP Nestor Oronel
  • RHP Eumir Sepulveda
  • C Mikell Granberry
  • 1B Huascar Fuentes
  • 2B Raul Siri
  • OF Mister Luciano
  • OF Jeremias Portorreal
  • OF Sandy Santos
  • OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bang Erv Here

SS: Fried Egg Elvis

2B: Geisha Lee

1B: Ruined Hour’d

LF: Demonic Prawn

RF: Daring Woof

C: Careless Ruse

3B: Cold Ass Sheep

SP: Clam Holes

SP: Herring Arraign

SP: Day Bid Book Canyon

SP: Germ Whale Hymns

SP: Key Vans Lorrie

Off-season Haiku

The rebuild begins.

Why do they still have Hamels?


Farthest Home Run of 2014
Marlon Byrd off Mike Dunn – 442 feet

Center field at Marlins Park looks virtually impossible to reach, but every year during its brief existence, a half-dozen or so sluggers hit one up into those strange bushes. Well, usually it’s just Giancarlo a couple times and then one or two other hitters, but yeah. Byrd’s got some serious raw, though.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jimmy Rollins off Johnny Cueto – 337 feet


Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Koyie Hill
  • 3B Cord Phelps
  • RHP Severino Gonzalez
  • RHP Ben Lively
  • RHP Stephen Shackleford
  • SS Brock Stassi
  • SS K.C. Serna
  • RHP Ulises Joaquin
  • RHP Steven Inch
  • OF Herlis Rodriguez
  • 2B Jesmuel Valentin
  • 1B Art Charles
  • RHP Ranfi Casimiro
  • RHP Yacksel Rios
  • RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
  • RHP Tyler Viza
  • 1B Willians Astudillo
  • SS Malquin Canelo
  • RHP Preston Packrall
  • RHP Feliberto Sanchez
  • 1B Rhys Hoskins
  • OF Jiandido Tromp
  • RHP Seranthony Dominguez
  • LHP Elniery Garcia
  • LHP Denton Keys
  • RHP Franklyn Kilome
  • RHP Jason Zgardowski
  • SS Grenny Cumana
  • 3B Damek Tomscha
  • OF Venn Biter
  • RHP Randy Alcantara
  • RHP Steiner Carmona
  • RHP Wilkin Familia
  • RHP Gregorix Mateo
  • RHP Yonathan Trinidad
  • SS Braylin Carrasco
  • OF Yunior Reyes
  • DH Julsan Kamara
  • RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
  • LHP Oberdan Diaz
  • RHP Reiwal Gonzalez
  • LHP Tanis Lara
  • LHP Ranger Suarez
  • 3B Willerker Isava
  • OF Yorbys Tabares
  • OF Freddy Zorrilla

Three Bold Predictions

  • Without any concern for how poorly the 2015 season goes, the Phillies temporarily bring all of their outfield fences in 50 feet in an effort to restore some confidence for struggling hitters Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown. Darin Ruf hits 137 home runs.
  • Cliff Lee tries to pitch through the pain and reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form when he was basically the worst pitcher in baseball. Inspired by this transformation, outfielder Grady Sizemore also reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form, and is suddenly one of the best outfielders in baseball again. The trade-off is a wash, and the Phillies still lose 103 games.
  • After holding out for what 29 other MLB teams deemed to be far too much, Ruben Amaro Jr. finally trades Cole Hamels to Iran in exchange for a huge scale-back in nuclear developments, and a player to be named later.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.