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Projected Lineup

CF: Dinners Plan

3B: Anchor Neon Dome

RF: Chasing Wharf

LF: Bright Sharper

1B: Rains Merman

SS: Yawned Despot

C: Whale Sewn Raw Most

2B: You Knee Hellas Cobra

P: Steep Panned Straws Burned

P: Masked Shirts Hurt

P: Gorge Ants Him Or Mine

P: Gorgonzolas

P: DOG FISTER

Off-season Haiku

Who needs more hitting?

Give Max Scherzer all the cash!

Didn’t do much else.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Ian Desmond off Ernesto Frieri – 462 feet

Frieri is perhaps the best example of what can go wrong if your upper-90’s fastball lacks any sort of life. He gives up bombs like this ALL DA TIME.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Adam LaRoche off A.J. Burnett – 336 feet

This absurd home run had like a seven-second hang time.
Best Names in the Farm System

• 1B Kila Ka’aihue
• OF Mark Minicozzi
• RHP Derek Self
• C Spencer Kieboom
• C Andruth Ramirez
• 2B Cutter Dykstra
• OF Delta Cleary Jr.
• RHP Dakota Bacus
• LHP Kylin Turnbull
• 3B Khayyan Norfork
• OF Estarlin Martinez
• OF Will Piwnica-Worms
• RHP Wirkin Esteven
• RHP Wander Suero
• 1B James Yezzo
• OF Narciso Mesa
• RHP Michael Sylvestri
• C Raudy Reed
• C Adderling Ruiz
• 1B Diomedes Eusebio
• 2B Chris Riopedre
• RHP Kida De La Cruz
• RHP D.J. Jauss
• LHP Yorlin Reynoso
• RHP Melvi Salazar
• RHP Maximo Valerio
• RHP Deibi Yrizarri
• C Jakson Reetz
• 3B Younaifred Aguero
• 1B Dionicio Rosario
• OF Aldrem Corredor
• OF Randy Encarnacion
• RHP Aroon Avila
• RHP Angher Cespedes
• RHP Malvin Pena
• RHP Ramses Rosario
• LHP Isaias Silfa
• C Jeyner Baez
• 3B Francys Peguero
• 1B Neivy Pilier
• 1B Davinson Pimentel
• 2B Joshual Ramirez
• OF Telmito Agustin
• OF Aridio Rodriguez

Three Bold Predictions

1. To maximize the super-rotation-ness of their super-rotation, the Nationals have Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Jordan Zimmermann utilize the classic three-pitchers-in-one-large-trench-coat strategy, Vincent Adultman style. They still manage to be shorter than Doug Fister.
2. Frustrated by having to wait for Trea Turner to actually become a National, GM Mike Rizzo orders a covert operation to extract Turner from his Lake Elsinore apartment in the middle the night during the first week of the season.
3. Bryce Harper finally faces a pitcher younger than him when 21-year-old Mets second baseman is forced to pitch to Harper during a 23-inning marathon against the Nationals in late April.