Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

• LHP Misael Siverio
• RHP Forrest Snow
• 3B Yordi Calderon
• OF Jabari Blash
• 3B Zach Shank
• OF Chantz Mack
• OF Jabari Henry
• OF Burt Reynolds
• RHP Thyago Vieira
• RHP Hawtin Buchanan
• LHP Joselito Cano
• RHP Jody Kerski
• RHP Jeffeson Medina
• RHP Lukas Schiraldi
• OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
• RHP Yohailys Millord
• RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
• RHP Ulises Perez
• RHP Marvin Gorgas
• C Wei Wang
• SS Rayder Ascanio
• 3B Lachlan Fontaine
• 2B Kavin Keyes
• OF Hersin Martinez
• RHP Rigoberto Garcia
• RHP Ugueth Urbina
• OF Arby Fields
• C Georvic Perez
• SS Gianfranco Wawoe
• LHP Melchor Urquides
• LHP Romulo Manzueta
• RHP Aneurys Zabala
• SS Greifer Andrade
• SS Johmbeyker Morales
• OF Adalfi Almonte
• LHP Liarvis Breto
• RHP Wladimir Marruffo
• RHP Paolo Padovani
• C Geoandry Montilla
• C Oberto Munoz
• 3B Alexdray Laya
• 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

• King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
• Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
• Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.