2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.
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One comment on “2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

  1. Mariner says:

    You forgot Estarlyn Morales as one of the best names in the farm system.

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