2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Philadelphia Phillies

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bang Erv Here

SS: Fried Egg Elvis

2B: Geisha Lee

1B: Ruined Hour’d

LF: Demonic Prawn

RF: Daring Woof

C: Careless Ruse

3B: Cold Ass Sheep

SP: Clam Holes

SP: Herring Arraign

SP: Day Bid Book Canyon

SP: Germ Whale Hymns

SP: Key Vans Lorrie

Off-season Haiku

The rebuild begins.

Why do they still have Hamels?

NEED ALL THE PROSPECTS!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Marlon Byrd off Mike Dunn – 442 feet

Center field at Marlins Park looks virtually impossible to reach, but every year during its brief existence, a half-dozen or so sluggers hit one up into those strange bushes. Well, usually it’s just Giancarlo a couple times and then one or two other hitters, but yeah. Byrd’s got some serious raw, though.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jimmy Rollins off Johnny Cueto – 337 feet

Yawn.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • C Koyie Hill
  • 3B Cord Phelps
  • RHP Severino Gonzalez
  • RHP Ben Lively
  • RHP Stephen Shackleford
  • SS Brock Stassi
  • SS K.C. Serna
  • RHP Ulises Joaquin
  • RHP Steven Inch
  • OF Herlis Rodriguez
  • 2B Jesmuel Valentin
  • 1B Art Charles
  • RHP Ranfi Casimiro
  • RHP Yacksel Rios
  • RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
  • RHP Tyler Viza
  • 1B Willians Astudillo
  • SS Malquin Canelo
  • RHP Preston Packrall
  • RHP Feliberto Sanchez
  • 1B Rhys Hoskins
  • OF Jiandido Tromp
  • RHP Seranthony Dominguez
  • LHP Elniery Garcia
  • LHP Denton Keys
  • RHP Franklyn Kilome
  • RHP Jason Zgardowski
  • SS Grenny Cumana
  • 3B Damek Tomscha
  • OF Venn Biter
  • RHP Randy Alcantara
  • RHP Steiner Carmona
  • RHP Wilkin Familia
  • RHP Gregorix Mateo
  • RHP Yonathan Trinidad
  • SS Braylin Carrasco
  • OF Yunior Reyes
  • DH Julsan Kamara
  • RHP Miguelangel Bastidas
  • LHP Oberdan Diaz
  • RHP Reiwal Gonzalez
  • LHP Tanis Lara
  • LHP Ranger Suarez
  • 3B Willerker Isava
  • OF Yorbys Tabares
  • OF Freddy Zorrilla

Three Bold Predictions

  • Without any concern for how poorly the 2015 season goes, the Phillies temporarily bring all of their outfield fences in 50 feet in an effort to restore some confidence for struggling hitters Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown. Darin Ruf hits 137 home runs.
  • Cliff Lee tries to pitch through the pain and reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form when he was basically the worst pitcher in baseball. Inspired by this transformation, outfielder Grady Sizemore also reverts back to 2007 Cleveland Indians form, and is suddenly one of the best outfielders in baseball again. The trade-off is a wash, and the Phillies still lose 103 games.
  • After holding out for what 29 other MLB teams deemed to be far too much, Ruben Amaro Jr. finally trades Cole Hamels to Iran in exchange for a huge scale-back in nuclear developments, and a player to be named later.
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